No......I just have something in my eye...

Congratulations to Sweary and all the winners. I shall raise a cuppa in your honour....

Robert Downey Jr and I have practiced our loser faces....

So, everybody is away to the Irish Blog Awards then eh. I have never felt more alone in all my life, sniff sniff. But never fear I'll man the internet and what have you whilst the rest of the world wide web's greatest heros stuff their little faces with cocktails sausages and free bubbly. Maybe I'll twit to myself for amusement or most likely I'll just cry into my pillow........again.

So for all those about to rock, in a twitterish/wordpressy/bloggery kind of way, I salute you! And remember it's got fuck all to do with taking part and making new friends and contacts, it's about winning. So with that in mind will somebody give Twenty Major a playful thump on the arm from me when he gets his award, for he still deserves it the most. It's like I told Robert Downey Jr the other day, "You cant beat a dead guy who wore lipstick and gurned like a mentalist for an hour or two and you cant beat The Major."

If you are going have a great time.

Best of luck to all my blog chums, you know who you are, and I hope you win. If anybody needs me I'll be cursing my luck and crying worse than an Oscar winner.....

Anna Magnowska - Crikey....!

I was wandering aimlessly round the caverns and caves of the internet on Monday evening, steering clear of the naughty places where dirty men hang out (MySpace is so hideous). It was all rather indiscriminate - clicking from football to music to notepads to chocolate to googling my name. Useful it was not. But on I clicked. I was just about to call it quits and retire to the sitting room for a pre dinner snackette of macaroon and tea when I realised I hadn't visited the wonderful Made in England by Gentlemen in a week or two.

Well I nearly spat my tea out, nearly. For there, at Made in England by Gentlemen, was the work of Anna Magnowska, a waitress/artist. And it blew me away. Here have a peep...

by Anna Magnowska

by Laura Quick

As you can see they are actually done on sheets from order pads and if you look closely enough you can still see the actual order on the sheet. I have to say that I am totally taken with these, they really are just superb. The way she has captured the attitude and indeed ugliness of spirit of some guests is just remarkable. These pictures say more and say it better than any of my rage filled missives and with more humour too.

I have wasted my life. (Irish Blog Award shortlisting aside, which is a definite yippee moment)

If anybody needs me I shall be crying into my pillow whilst eating a macaroon bar.

Check out more of Anna's waitressing work here

and with other work by Anna and her waiter chum Laura Quick in The Independent here

purchase prints and originals from here.

I'll have two please....with chips, thanks.

Competitive blogging...

manuel took last years defeat very hard
and made this child cry....

Nominations for the Irish Blog Awards close at 6pm on January the 14th.

Just saying.

Nominate your favourites here.

The mysterious no show of Leunam

Northerners love going South of the border down Mexico way. We get to do our "funny" top o' the morning voices, and that's always fun! We take the piss and say "t'be sure" when anyone asks us something.

"Taxi sir?" says he.

"T'be sure" says I.

"Wanker" says he.

I had to stop it, I was in danger of getting my ass handed to me by shop keepers, taxi drivers and a rather angry man in the train station. Some people cant take a joke.

The Irish Blog Awards were a blast. Weird in many respects but a blast all the same. I say weird because whilst you feel you know a lot about the people there you really don't know them at all. You don't know their real names, you don't know what they look like, you don't know if they are going to be the sort of people you would usually cross the road to get away from or if you will make a new life long friend.

What I discovered though was that the people who rant and rave and swear and threaten on their blogs were very quiet almost shy in real life and that those who appear quiet and sane online are in fact bonkers in the flesh. That was quite odd.

Reading blogs is no different to reading books. You imagine what the characters look like, how tall they will be, what their voice sounds like, even down to the type of clothes they wear. I was stunned as people who I assumed were as tall as buildings turned out to be no taller than a dwarf in heels. People who I assumed were young turned out to be as old as my dad. It was strange. And it did take a while to get used to the new faces with real names.

All these shocks and oddities aside the most shocking part of the night was the no show of my alter ego Leunam. I remained lucid and at no point felt the need to cry, shout, swear, or offer anyone outside. I did have to bite my lip for a moment to stop myself from crying when I realised I wouldn't be going home with anything more than a pounding headache. But despite having drunk many many gin and tonics I remained fairly, well sober is not the word, but I wasn't totally shit faced. This is a definite first for me.

I am suffering though.

And a cyclist did have to swerve round me on Harcourt Street as I puked the last of the gin out of my system whilst I waited outside my hotel for my taxi. Very very classy. I was later to discover that the last of my gin had not been expelled. And had to make a rushed visit to the toilets in Connolly Station. If I hadn't needed to puke because of the gin then the toilets alone would have had you gagging. Very fucking grim.

I had a giggle and the night wouldn't have been so much fun if it hadn't have been for Medbh and Gimme. Cheers for that! And to everyone that I met I say thanks, it was a great night. I'm not gonna name you all because I'll miss someone and you'll get upset and pull me from your blogroll. You know I'm right. And I have to finish with an apology, well done fillet isn't known for apologies, Deborah I'm so sorry that I missed the foodies lunch. I was sick....really really sick.....sorry

Normal order tomorrow folks right now I have dwarves to entertain/expel........

****afternoon update****
dwarves have gone, which is a fucking result as has Gimme,
to Spain on his jollys, but not before he left us his take on the IBAs
you should read this, for balance.....

Manuel's diets

Today I will mostly be vomiting
and sweating

artistic recreation of Manuel being sick
there were actually more carrots and less yellow stars

Well done to the winners, big hugs to the losers, and hello again to everyone else. Well done in particular to Lorraine from the Italian Foodies, and to my favourite winner on the night Fat Mammy Cat. She deserved that and more! Cheers Damien for a great night.

When I can get my head out of the bowl for long enough I'll write more. Until then.........aaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh or something like that......

Phone for a takeaway...

The waiter is busy




Back Sunday....
....I hope

Introducing Leunam

Two big sleeps to go!

Well the excitement is building ahead of Saturday's Irish Blog Awards.
I literally cannot contain myself although LMM says this is due to over eating and lack of regular exercise and little to do with the IBAs.

Pfft.

I think I have more concerns than hopes for the event, well for me more than the event itself. I haven't had a proper drink since Halloween, and that didn't end particularly well. And as I am off work for a week now I will probably let my, metaphorical, hair down.

Will I get drunk and fall down? The answer to that is of course yes, a very definite yes. But what collateral damage will be caused both on my way to the ground and as I drink my way through the contents of the bar? This thought alone has kept me awake for weeks now. I have visions of rubbing my hand down Mr Mulley's face telling him what a great guy he is. I worry that I'll run round the place playing a game of guess the blogger, which for a while will be fun but you will bore of it soon enough.

And then there is the issue of the mystique and aura of splendidness (arf! -LMM) that I have carefully crafted about myself. Let me assure/warn you that it wont last for long once the devils buttermilk starts flowing. No before long I will knocking your drinks over, ordering shots for everyone in the room, and telling you my life story.

Good grief why am I going?!

With all this in mind let me give you a few handy tips if you find yourself cornered by Leunam (backwards Manuel, my drunken alter ego) and ways to ensure that both you and I have a great/safe night.

1. Leunam is basically a friendly chap even with lots of beer/wine/whiskey in his system. But if you think he is going on a bit and doing your head in start a conversation about cars. Leunam knows nothing about cars and he will just wander off, probably whilst you are talking.
2. Leunam is a little deaf so he tends to shout. This is not aggression. When he says, "YES I'D LOVE A PINT" he is not implying that it is about time you bought one, he is just happy that you have. You should also direct all conversation to his RIGHT ear as the left one is banjaxed.
   
3. Much like a Gremlin, Leunam should not be given any liquids after 12am or he will sleep in and miss his train home and then you will be stuck with him for another night. You don't want that, he doesn't want that, the good people of Dublin don't want that.
4. Leunam is Manuel, he is not Twenty Major, Fat Mammy Cat, Grandad, or Old Knudsen despite what he will tell you. He will think it's funny to say that he is someone else but it's not and you shouldn't laugh at this "joke" it will only encourage him.
5. Leunam doesn't take drugs. Don't encourage him to do so, he is easily led and will do whatever the big kids are doing. The world isn't ready for a coked up Leunam.
   
6. If Leunam decides he wants to go for a kebab someone please go with him. He and LMM will reward you with cash for looking after him.
7. Leunam is no good in physical situations so don't rely on him for backup if it all kicks off after the Best Blog Post winner is announced.
   
8. Leunam is a sleeper when drunk. It is essentially a safety measure that kicks in to prevent him from causing any more damage. If you find him asleep please wake him and sent him back to his hotel. This information has been sewn into the lining of his jacket by LMM. In the event of him having lost his jacket please direct him to the nearest fireplace, his comfort zone.
9. Leunam is also a crier. This can be very hard to stop. LMM's number is in his mobile phone, call her she will know what to do.
10. Leunam is also a smoker so if you want to avoid him stay inside at all times. Also you may need to remind him of the smoking laws, he will "forget."

I apologise in advance........

(I will also pay cash for incriminating photos of myself)

Short list for a short sort of chap....

I made the short list! Check me out! Nominated for 5, shortlisted in one. Fair enough. Now I know how Scorcese felt. As a way of thanking those who nominated me for an Irish Blog Award I'm offering ten more free badge sets for the first ten to ask for them. Just email me with your address. But it doesn't end there, oh no, there's more....

There is a Well Done Fillet Reader Loyalty Card for everyone!

Just follow the handy instruction below and start reaping the "benefits"

1. Right click and save the image
2. Print the image onto some nice paper, preferably glossy stuff
3. Carefully cut out the image. I've included some handy "cut along" lines so even the drunkest of you can do it without making a bollocks of it.
4. Using some paper glue stick the two halves together
5. Take to your local print shop or mate's office and get it laminated.
6. Present at your favourite restaurant before you are seated and start getting some real waiter love, the sort you always heard about but never got.
   

Small Print
1.Card can be revoked at any time and without any obvious reason
2. Well Done Fillet, it's employees, editors, family members, financiers and Manuel T Waiter will
not be held responsible for any embarrassment caused by presenting this card at any restaurant
3. Cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer
4. Not all "benefits" are available at all times (this applies particularly to sarcasm and wisecracks)
5. Hot Waiter guarantee not available on Mondays
6. Don't ever use this card whilst drinking
7. Don't ever use this card

Rumbling on

Dueling waiters
That's me second from the right

"Manuel is a perfect gentleman..."

Well you wouldn't have expected anything else. Not my words but the words of a fellow waiter Lola (real name I'm sure) who rumbled me (ooh er missus) in The Mourne Seafood Bar on Monday. In case you missed it here is what Lola said in full...

I just want to clear something up here guys, i offered to hug manuel but he declined!! And crept sideways out the door like a crab, excuse the pun!
And regarding the comment made by "belfast plate carrier", all my customers are VIPs, but unless i clone myself, i can't possibly hug them all goodbye, and serve them at the same time (while listening in on their conversations! Come on, we all do it!!)
And the juice/jus for "bendersbetterbrother": Manuel is a perfect gentleman to serve, i say no more! lol

Confirmation indeed that I am a gentleman and that we all listen to your conversations. Lola also got a wee dig back at Ginger's Belfast Plate Carrier who said....

I knew you were talking about Robin even before I clickyed the link. Love the dude to bits even though the last time he was in Ginger I had to tell him off for arm wrestling Micheal McKeegan of Therapy? fame. And i do have to point out you got the love that i provide every customer without the knowledge you'd be writing about it.

Not like MSB

Ooooohhhh

Now in the last 2 days I have eaten in both The Mourne Seafood Bar and Ginger (it's been a rough week - hehehehe) and had lunch in The Spaniard. Let me tell you how I see it. Without question the best service I received during my two days of indulgence was in the The Spaniard, no question.

Friendly, warm, and genuine. It's the sort of service you cant teach. You either have it or you don't. The Spaniard has it. There wasn't any chit chat, there was proper conversation. There wasn't suggestive selling there was proper personal recommendations. I'll go back again for the Martin Millers Gin and Tonic (with cucumber), the best I've had in years. But I'll go back again and again for the service.

The food in Ginger and The Mourne Seafood Bar is amongst the best you will get anywhere let alone in Belfast. But service is my thing, obviously, and it's quite often what I remember most when I leave a restaurant. If the service has been bad, which is very rare anywhere these days, it annoys me more than if the food is bad. When it's great I just wanna ......well I just wanna hug the waiter. I don't though for obvious reasons. I normally just leave a good tip.

Belfast is really blessed with some great restaurants serving some fantastic food.

So before Lola and Belfast Plate Carrier (a name I wish I had thought of) end up dueling at dawn with waiter's friends and service cloths at the ready I will say that the service is equally as good in both place. The food is equally as good in both places. But The Spaniard beats them both for what Manuel cares about most......the love.

And in other news....

I cant thank the people who nominated Well Done Fillet for recognition in the Irish Blog Awards enough. Thank you a thousand times over. I'm touching myself touched. To those who didn't nominate me....soup in your laps you bastards.....Joke. Honest!

I'm nominated for....

Best Blog Post for "The customer that broke this camels back"
Best Food and Drink Blog
Best Blog
Best Personal Blog
Best Newcomer
Best Badges
Best Use of the word "Crikey"
Okay I made the last two up but maybe next year....

If I don't win something I'm burning the place down. Just to be nominated is enough for me. Well done to everybody who has been nominated and to those that I nominated.

Also the latest RoundTable is up....

The largest collection of thimbles in Europe? Bollocks!

The Irish Blog Awards are to take place on the 1st of March in the Alexander Hotel. And I'm starting to get excited. It's not the will I won't I win thing that has me excited, I blog for the love of blogging not for fame or awards*, but rather I am excited about meeting fellow bloggers. It will be amusing to put faces to names, even if the names aren't their real names, I assume their faces will be genuine. It will also be a relief to be in a place with lots of like minded people who share the same concerns as you, stats, hits, counts, links, etc. I guess it must be like a meeting of NAMBLA but without the inappropriate boy love.

It will be a bit like reading a book and imagining the characters in a particular way then watching the movie version only to find your illusions shattered when Ben Stiller plays the lead role. You know what I mean? I've spent the long dull evenings at work recently wondering what my favourite Irish bloggers look like.....I haven't slept well since.

Is Fat Mammy Cat really a Fat Mammy or is she Amy Winehouse with a flame red mop of hair? She is, in my thoughts. Is Gimme really Dublin's answer to Lance Armstrong or is he a fat man on a little bike. (Much like me) And why do I have this constant nagging feeling that Twenty Major is actually Mary Harney? Too far with that one? Sorry.

through the reality filter

Gimme and Fat Mammy Cat

Point is that with blogging you can make yourself what ever you want to be. You can do a post saying that you have 2 degrees from Oxford and that you have the largest collections of thimbles in Europe and that you are a 27 year old woman when in fact you are a 53 year old man with no formal qualifications and only the second largest collection of thimbles in Europe. I expect things to be different after the blog awards. Maybe there will be a loss of innocence....

...especially if I vomit on you. And that is a distinct possibility. Reading my stories of being drunk and the inevitable hangover is one thing but being there live from the crime is a whole other life threatening scenario. One that few people would volunteer for. Now you can say things like "you don't have to get drunk" or "drink water between pints" but that isn't the way things go down when Manuel hits the hot sauce. I drink until if fall over. I'm not being macho here. I wish I could realise when I've had enough but I cant. I just keep glug glugging until I've told everyone a. that I love them b. my deepest darkest secrets, and c. that I'm a waiter and I love being a waiter blah blah blah. Oh sweet Jebus what am I doing? Ah blog gold people, sick covered blog gold but gold all the same.

I note that there is a ladies only pre awards meet up organised by Sabrina and Ina in The Market Bar on Fade Street, Dublin 2 (01) 6139094 From 4:30 until whenever. Clicky the piccy for details.

tea?
doubt it some how....

If anyone with a penis or even without a wonder stick wants to meet up before hand and help get Manuel pished before he gets to the hotel relaxed and in the mood for a night of amusement and gaiety then lets get something organised. If the ladies are having a tea party I want one too suggest a meeting at a car show room or auto garage or in a tool shop. Or a bar, probably best off in a bar? Maybe a restaurant, is Mr Mulley feeding us? Any thoughts? Also I need an hotel for the night. Any good/sensibly priced ideas? There's a pint in it.....

...well there will be a few pints over it by the time I finish.

* I don't mean that, I don't mean that, I don't mean that one little bit

like meat?
try this.

The Time of Judgment be upon us....Crikey!

The wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, well read, charismatic, funny and all round good eggs from the Irish Blog Awards (that'll do darling-LMM) are now inviting nominations for this years awards. Different format this year as the winners will be decided by a panel of judges as opposed to a popularity vote. I wonder who the judges could be......[wavy dream lines]

Judging Panel A - Judges from 2000AD

1. Judge Dread - firm but fair - likes well organised blogs with tidy sidebars and that follow a strict adherence to blogging etiquette such as linking back and despises multiple personalities. Catchphrase, "I am the law....on all things related to Wordpress and Blogger blog systems. But not Typepad." Catchy....
   
2. Judge Judy Janus - being a psychic she probably knows the results already - tends to favour blogs about horoscopes and earth stones and other such keek. Catchphrase, "I knew you were going to write that."
   
3. Judge Death - no sense of humour being dead and all - but is known to enjoy the musings of Twenty Major and Old Bitter Balls - also known to really enjoy stories from Iraq which he thinks are just hilarious. Catchphrase, "Deeeeeaaaaaatttthhh to bad blogs...."

Judging Panel B - Judges off the TV

1. Judge John Deed - Former Professional turned Judge, big fan of the ladies and would tend to throw his weight, and anything else, behind blogs by the ladies. But he would probably upset the people from the Irish Blog Awards as Judge John Deed plays by his own rules, a rebel with a wig and gown. Catchphrase, "I find you guilty....guilty of being sexy." This got him into trouble when he judged this years small dog's section at Crufts.
   
2. Judge Judy (didn't see that coming eh!) - Takes a no nonsense approach to judging - favours blogs that, like herself, are plain speaking and that didn't have an affair or run out the day the baby was born. Beware, if you put your blog in front of her to be judged you might end up paying half of your hits to the eventual winner in blog alimony. Catchphrase, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's a blog."
   
3. Judge Reinhold - Also known as Billy - he is a nice guy, this makes it very difficult for him to make a fucking decision, and he falls down a lot - being a born again (wasn't once enough?) Christian, Billy takes a dim view of blogs with any nakedness, swearing, blaspheming, evolution, drink and drug references, music other than the God rock of Resurrection, books other than the bible, derogatory remarks about GWB, questioning of the War on Terra, and anything related to Richard Dawkins. All things considered he probably shouldn't get involved. Catchphrase, "Only God can judge you on the last day blah blah blah....."
   

Judging Panel C Various Types of Teenagers

1. Emo/Goth Kids - They were actually a surprise hit at this years Ireland's Beautiful Baby Contest and helped sway the panel towards the 3 year old with the cross eyes and three giant freckles. They tend to favour blogs on the darker side of life. The actually wanted to vote The Samaritans website as last years winner but withdrew that idea when they were convinced it wasn't a blog. Catchphrase, "What's the point, no but really, what's the point?
2. Indie Kids - They were they first person to read your blog, and stopped when it became popular. They are always on the cutting edge, not like the Emo/Goth kids who are actually on the edge of cutting........themselves. The Indie kids prefer blogs left of centre and despise the populist blogs. And if their mum's read it, then there is no chance of them voting for you. Catchphrase, "Like that was so last year/I read that when he had only 5 hits."
3. Ned's/Scallies/Spides/Knackers - They probably wont take part and will just rob the bowl of fruit, do your pockets, steal your lap top, and beat you up for money for Buckfast. And beware if they do vote you as winner make sure you leave somebody in your house when you go to get your award as they will know you're out and will come round and do your house over. Catchphrase, "Blog? Are you a fruit or wah?"

Or of course they could just be well respected members of the community who have donated their time to judge this years award, but secretly I hope its Judging Panel A......