Friday, 29 February 2008

Introducing Leunam

Two big sleeps to go!

Well the excitement is building ahead of Saturday's Irish Blog Awards.
I literally cannot contain myself although LMM says this is due to over eating and lack of regular exercise and little to do with the IBAs.

Pfft.
I think I have more concerns than hopes for the event, well for me more than the event itself. I haven't had a proper drink since Halloween, and that didn't end particularly well. And as I am off work for a week now I will probably let my, metaphorical, hair down.

Will I get drunk and fall down? The answer to that is of course yes, a very definite yes. But what collateral damage will be caused both on my way to the ground and as I drink my way through the contents of the bar? This thought alone has kept me awake for weeks now. I have visions of rubbing my hand down Mr Mulley's face telling him what a great guy he is. I worry that I'll run round the place playing a game of guess the blogger, which for a while will be fun but you will bore of it soon enough.

And then there is the issue of the mystique and aura of splendidness (arf! -LMM) that I have carefully crafted about myself. Let me assure/warn you that it wont last for long once the devils buttermilk starts flowing. No before long I will knocking your drinks over, ordering shots for everyone in the room, and telling you my life story.

Good grief why am I going?!

With all this in mind let me give you a few handy tips if you find yourself cornered by Leunam (backwards Manuel, my drunken alter ego) and ways to ensure that both you and I have a great/safe night.
  1. Leunam is basically a friendly chap even with lots of beer/wine/whiskey in his system. But if you think he is going on a bit and doing your head in start a conversation about cars. Leunam knows nothing about cars and he will just wander off, probably whilst you are talking.
  2. Leunam is a little deaf so he tends to shout. This is not aggression. When he says, "YES I'D LOVE A PINT" he is not implying that it is about time you bought one, he is just happy that you have. You should also direct all conversation to his RIGHT ear as the left one is banjaxed.
  3. Much like a Gremlin, Leunam should not be given any liquids after 12am or he will sleep in and miss his train home and then you will be stuck with him for another night. You don't want that, he doesn't want that, the good people of Dublin don't want that.
  4. Leunam is Manuel, he is not Twenty Major, Fat Mammy Cat, Grandad, or Old Knudsen despite what he will tell you. He will think it's funny to say that he is someone else but it's not and you shouldn't laugh at this "joke" it will only encourage him.
  5. Leunam doesn't take drugs. Don't encourage him to do so, he is easily led and will do whatever the big kids are doing. The world isn't ready for a coked up Leunam.
  6. If Leunam decides he wants to go for a kebab someone please go with him. He and LMM will reward you with cash for looking after him.
  7. Leunam is no good in physical situations so don't rely on him for backup if it all kicks off after the Best Blog Post winner is announced.
  8. Leunam is a sleeper when drunk. It is essentially a safety measure that kicks in to prevent him from causing any more damage. If you find him asleep please wake him and sent him back to his hotel. This information has been sewn into the lining of his jacket by LMM. In the event of him having lost his jacket please direct him to the nearest fireplace, his comfort zone.
  9. Leunam is also a crier. This can be very hard to stop. LMM's number is in his mobile phone, call her she will know what to do.
  10. Leunam is also a smoker so if you want to avoid him stay inside at all times. Also you may need to remind him of the smoking laws, he will "forget."
I apologise in advance........

(I will also pay cash for incriminating photos of myself)

22 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Green Ink said...

I thought we all are to wear name badges, so just keep an eye for Green Ink, make yourself known to me, than I can studiously avoid you all night.

savannah said...

take a ton of pics and email them to ME, sugar! i wish i could see all y'all there!

bendersbetterbrother said...

You forgot the trigger phrase. You know the one you say to even complete strangers you just met 5 minutes ago when you're completely shit-faced and well on the road to a week of embarrassing flashbacks. Say a phrase like "You're a really good mate" and the Drunk Police Swat team should scoop you up and frog march you directly to the front of a taxi queue with a note of where you have to go having removed all valuables and excess money/bank cards from your pockets for safekeeping.

In saying that have a few for me and take a camera.

MJ said...

I have more incriminating photos of you.

To be posted in near future.

Old Knudsen said...

I think people will suss out we are one and the same when you accept the food and drink award and the pop culture award but we don't care any more who knows you'd think they'd see that uel is 'old' in scots gheylick and man means 'man' we are just so clever. Are we taking Ginger Gerry? he did help us with most of our posts.

Deborah said...

Jesus, God help us if Leunam and Harobed meet up. Both smokers too... not good! If she stays on the G&T's and away from the white wine, all will be ok. Thankfully she's a room upstairs if things get too much! ;-)

dave said...

Good luck at the awards.

Have you got your acceptance speech prepared?
Or have you been practicing your 'Bollox, I lost, but I'd better feign delight for the winner' facial expression?

Rosie said...

looking forward to it, head-the-ball...

Martin said...

Brilliant! And I thought you young whippersnappers would be the ones to keep Nitram away from the white wine.

Rosie said...

have just realised that this makes me Eisor. how apt.

sheepworrier said...

Hope you have a good 'un Manuel, and watch out for the Drunken Monkey when you go to bed - the one that shits in your mouth, steals all your money and hits you on the head causing temporary amnesia and a blinding headache the next morning.

toast said...

have a great time - all of you - i'm not making it i'm afraid - jsut back from spending lots of money in NY and left it too late to get aflight - have a great time all

Manuel said...

greenie: like a name badge will stop me!

savannah: awh...will do

bbb: that'll be when i TELL PEOPLE FOR 4OOOTH time that i'm a waiter....

mj: oh no you don't ......what? crikey

old k: I would be he is still on his "special vacation"

debs: and gin too?! see you at the bar then

dave: the second one.......I've been practicing my johnny depp angry but fake happy face......

rosie: you say that now....

martin: it's every blogger for themselves.......

rosie: very.................?

sheepo: aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhh......and I mean that

toast: excuses excuses ........boooo

Crispy said...

Oh for the love of good God, just stay at home. I've seen you drunk, crying and I've heard you "talking"!!!!....and the award goes to Manuel...unfortunately Manuel can't be here tonight but collecting his award on his behalf is Crispy & Percy!!!! Can't you imagine me n Percy, actually you go, LMM will mind us!!!!

Manuel said...

Crispy: HA! If only I had a camera to record all the shenanigans.....[cough cough]

Gypsy said...

I cannot wait to read the post about this Saturday night. Short of actually being there, its the next best thing. Good Luck Manuel, I'll be rooting for ya from afar.

psychicgeek.com said...

Good luck Leunam at the awards. Since MJ posted a picture of your arse, folks may take advantage of your inebriation to get you to drop trou, and check to see if it's really you, and not Old Knudsen of the moisturizing regimen.

fatmammycat said...

I like the sound of this Leunam. Cars eh?
Either way, I hope you have a terrific time and enjoy the night.

Nick said...

You're obviously a very sensitive and vulnerable sort of chap, Manuel, so I'm sending a highly-qualified professional carer to keep an eye on you and make sure you don't come to any harm. Her name is Voluptua, look for the short blonde with the enormous (hang on, the phone's ringing)

yoyo said...

Rofllolwtfbbqguineapiglol!

You sound adorable! like a big clumsy dog that eats everything and knocks stuff over but still manages to be loveable.
Bless.

lorraine@italianfoodies said...

Hahaha brilliant!!!

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