Tuesday, 1 May 2007

"If you write it, they will come"


Which is probably what Hugh Hefner reassured his editorial team back in the early days of Playboy.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I started to write this blog (such a geeky nerdish word). I wasn't sure if anyone would get what I was on about, I know it ain't War n peace, but you know what I mean. I've never doubted my own abilities, I am a waiter after all and we are a masterful and all powerful group of individuals. But as I wasn't getting a thousand hits a day I was disappointed. I have since reigned in such high ambitions. Seriously, talking to yourself is bad, but talking to yourself via the Internet is sadder than looking at yourself in the mirror and calling yourself "Big Guy!"

But like the new kid at school you have to go and find friends. I pushed the random button and what a Pandora's box of bitterness and swearing was revealed to me. Old Bitter balls, Toast, Troika, Fat Sparrow, Fat Mammy Cat, Kav, Conortje, Paddy etc all became my new bestest friends. Little Miss Manuel however is convinced you are all just grooming me for bad sex and are going rob my dinner money off me. She works with kids with behavioural problems and is offering to take you all on as clients over the summer to turn you all into good little citizens. It's something to think about.

As I start the third month of the the very excellent tome that is WELL DONE FILLET, I am again feeling reflective. This is in part due to my near death experience today. Whilst out cycling this afternoon I found myself heading up a tight little street with a car coming towards me. No worries thought I, a little shimmy to the right and we'll all be on our way. Not to be! One badly executed maneuver later and there I was lying in the middle of the road with a frigging Fiat Punto chugging towards me. The car driver managed to stop with a comfortable 5 yards to spare. Thank the Sweet Baby Jesus it wasn't a Range Rover, an ironic death would be just my luck. The lady in the Punto wound down her window and asked how I was. Thanks love, I'll just untangle my bike from my groin, no need for you to get out. She got rather impatient as it took me a moment or two to get my ass together and drag myself to the side of the road.

There was blood. My bike was all bent out of shape. And my manly man bag was ripped. And all because I had clipped the wing mirror of a bloody Volkswagen Polo! I dragged my sorry bent out of shape ass and bike home and phoned Little Miss Manuel for some love and sympathy. She arrived round and almost seemed disappointed that nothing was broken. I was then marched by the ear out to the car as LMM wanted to visit the scene of the accident. She burst out of the car in a fury popped the wing mirror back in place, removed my note with my phone number on it and got back into the car muttering something about "growing some balls". Nice.

Any way I survived. I looked death in the face and my life flashed before me. And you know what? I regret nothing, and wouldn't change a thing! Up yours, grim reaper.

So comrades, it is Mayday after all, here is your WELL DONE FILLET review of the month.

I had two weddings to deal with in April, one at work which went like a dream. The other wasn't so hot due to the rock star shenanigans of my friend. I am constrained at what I can say to customers at work but not on here. Cunts, like the one who booked for Christmas days after Easter. I shared my recipes for penis and horse. Where else would you get that? Teachers pissed me off as did Satan's bum chum Raul. I introduced you to the Management, not that they like being called that. I was taught a new phrase for fat birds by Emily. Smoking or the lack of it has caused me to swear more often than normal. And cultchie types were given advice on how to handle themselves in public. And never ever send your food back. All in all we all learnt a little something this month. Which is always good.

18 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Little Miss Manuel said...

You just about broke skin. Get over yourself you dick. Sorry, I mean darling.

Twenty Major said...

I too suffered tonight. I nearly had my little finger sliced clean off.

Must be the full moon.

Charlie said...

i had a near death experience tonight when a table of 16 rang @ 10.25 and booked for tomorrow evening.. Oh how it hurt, there was blood. Hahaha the "peoples car gotcha!
Volkswagen polo 1 - 0 Manuel

Manuel said...

Twenty: its mayday, the anarchists are taking down the blogosphere 1 limb/digit at a time

Charlie: I fell a to do list coming on...You know what i mean

Manuel said...

I FEEL a to do list coming on. grrrrrr

Conortje said...

I'm sensing a Little Miss Manuel -The Spin Off.

I can't help but wonder if your little accident wasn't on account of you trying to shimmy. Face it - straight men just are not supposed to be at that and there will be consequences, as indeed there were. Hope your ego and bruises are recovering!

Old Knudsen said...

I'm soo glad you're alive and with us as me and the rest were wondering if you'd like some bad sex.

toast said...

I too am thinking that a L'l Ms Manuel blog would be a good companion piece.

ellie said...

I think LMM was paying the car driver!

paddy said...

Nice one, and all the others- good posts they were too. Happy (belated) May-Day. Long live the proleteriate, and a good slap in the ear for low-wage-workers, I don't care where they're from let them join a union.O yes, glad you survived that little run-in. I had a car hit me last year; not a scratch; it was only when I got home I realised my eye tooth was gone.
Y:-) Paddy

Twenty Major said...

I forgot about the Mayday thing. I was wondering why there were so many fucking communists going around the place trying to do communism in a communist fashion.

JD said...

Woah, some who actually has something significant to blog about!

In the spirit of shared experiences, I am delighted to report that I also got hit by a car once. I was six years old, was in a coma for ten days and then hospitalised in London for a further three weeks, unable to speak or walk. Amazing to think I've recovered to grow into such a well-rounded adult. I also have a scar on forhead where they opened up my head to stop my brain exploding, or something. Now that my hairline has started to gracefully recede it is permanently visible, making me look (though I say so myself) quite hard.

Congratulations on getting to three months. Enjoying the blog. Nice one.

whyioughtta said...

Trying to overlook the fact that I'm not on your list of new friends...it's the ginger thing, isn't it? ISN'T IT???

Having said that, still sorry to hear about your accident, especially your ripped manly man bag. I'm hoping you're referring to a man-purse/murse and not that other man bag.

charlie said...

My first order tonight.... 2 well done fillets with gravy. That pretty much sums up my whole entire night actually. Stuck with a manager who fills his 8 hour shift emptying, counting and re-bagging 50p pieces because he wasnt sure if they were grouped in 10 pound bundles.. read the bag!!! BUT when it comes to cashing up seems to lose ALL the ability to count.. pfft!!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Ah, happy 3 months to you, Manuel. I was all astonished and what-a-bloody-hero!-ish when I read the casual way you recounted the ripping of your manly man-bag. I was nearly all "Hey come and see how hard they're growing 'em in Belfast, these days!" to the Problem Husband. And then I realized it was an actual man bag that ripped and not an actual man-bag, after all.

Now I don't think you're nearly so hard. I can't help it. Don't blame yourself. It's just that the minute a fellow fails to have his man-bag ripped (actual variety) he just ceases to be a cool, hard, hero to me. However your blog still rawks, Mister Man-bag-uel.

Manuel said...

I've to go to work now, but i'll deal with all these wonderful comments when I get home. I suffered a relapse yesterday and wasn't very well at all. Little Miss bloody know it all, says i shouldn't have fallen asleep in the sun and that I probably got sun stroke. I'm sure it's the flu...

Manuel said...

Conortje: Spin off? Like Joey? Jesus theres a thought!

Old K: No ta

toast: As above, well maybe. mmmmmmm

ellie: Nothing would surprise me!

Paddy: Cheers as always. up the workers!

twenty: commies eh! bless

JD: coma?! Nightmare! Cheers though...

WIO: What was I thinkn! sorry sorry sorry. Yeah just my murse, that made me titter.

Charlie: Managers are like children, best kept out of reach

SamPCB: I'm not hard, not hard at all. Very jelly like if iam being honest

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