Monday, 30 April 2007

Today, I am mostly bitter, mostly



Smoking ban eh? What a pain in the ass. Already my morning routine has been ruined by having to sit outside for my coffee/croissant/fag (the breakfast of true athletes). And as I froze my bitter ass off (I could have crossed the road and gone to another place not in the shade but I'm a contrary old shite) I began to ruminate over the things that I would like to ban from public places for the good of society as a whole, but mainly for the good of me!


Top Ten Things To Ban for the Good of Society but Mainly Me....


1. Range Rovers. Absolutely no need for these behemoths. But mainly no need for the cretins that drive them. Jumpers over the shoulders, never leaves the city, drives at 60mph in built up areas, and parks where he likes. COCKS. No bloody need.


2. Children. Far too much energy, far too loud, far too demanding, far too messy, to be allowed out in public. Children should be seen and not heard, served, or acknowledged in anyway.



3. Gingers. Hideous. Go away and get your hair dyed and don't forget your eyebrows. Makeup will cover the freckles you evil night walkers.


4. Razorlight/Pete Doherty. You can't sing, you can't play and you look awful. Your regurgitated pish rock makes me want to rip my ears off. You impress nobody but the fickle sheep who will move on soon enough to the next 'hot thing". Mr Doherty please just take the overdose we all know is coming you talentless, skinny, dying looking, junkie cunt. You are not a genius, you sir are a buffoon.


5. Ladies who lunch. The bane of restaurant/bar/coffee shop staff the world over. You add nothing to society. You order lunch, you push it round the plate, you complain about the temperature of the bottled water, and pay with a Gold Card. My God I hate you. Go and get a job you Gucci clad whore.



6. Guardianistas. Hippie, liberal, bleeding heart, hypocrites. Get your haircut and move out of leafy South Belfast and move into a council estate. And then tell me "they are just misunderstood". I bet your fridge is covered in Greenpeace stickers and your kids are called Josh and Poppy. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!


7. Daily Mail readers. Right wing bigots of the worst sort. It's everyone else's fault isn't it? All that bloody moaning about tax and asylum seekers gets right on my tits. Get off your arse and help someone you brown shirt wearing bastards.


8. Politicians. You scum sucking, self absorbed, self interest obsessed, sell your granny for a vote, worthless shites. I despise you all. Tony Benn the exception. George Galloway, Nick Griffin, Tony Blair, Peter "the shouter" Robinson, Gerry "I wasn't in the Ra" Adams, all local politicians, fuck you all. I'd check the calender if you told me the date you lying bastards. Get off your asses and do some work.




9. Me, I offer nothing to society that can't be done by a well shaved monkey. And I can only think of nine things. I was going to say Leeds United but that seems to have been sorted. Result.

I'm off for a smoke. Someones gonna get it today, get it bad....

14 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Kav said...

If you could add delivery cunts who expect you to take a full day off work to wait in for a small package that may or may not show up, I'd be delighted.

paddy said...

Jesus, sounds like a bad day in the life of manuel Denisovich. Look it could be a hell of a lot....well, it could be scag... "I'm sorry sir you'll have to fix outside, no bangin' up in here."
Cold turkey man, take the heat a couple a days. I was there done that; got the t-shirt et cetera.

fatmammycat said...

Poor old sausage, sounds to me like you're having my Friday. Don't worry, at least you can't get a period.

whyioughtta said...

Reading this post was an emotional rollercoster ride. You had me right away with the Range Rovers (add soccer-mom-driven minivans to that as well). Then the Santa tombstone pic had me howling with laughter...

But then you picked on the redheads. We are people too, dammit! I will never dye my hair or my beautiful gingerlicious eyebrows. I will never cover my freckles. I will fly my freak-flag, loud and proud!!!!

I read the rest of the post in a rage-fueled blur--much the same spirit in which it was written. Now go pick on those lunching ladies and leave us gingers alone.

Fat Sparrow said...

You're dead on with the liberals. I am an actual poor person, living in the ghetto, and I highly recommend that all the liberals should come and live here, so they can see the reality of social Darwinism at work. The weak (that's you, you crystal-clutching Birkenstock-wearing tree-hugging fair-trade-buying Starbucks-sipping twats, and don't think I don't understand you, because I used to be you) get picked off first. Welcome to reality.

But I'll have to cap you with my 9 if you bag on redheads, as I dye my hair red.

Manuel said...

kav: I share your pain.

Paddy: I know, I know just ain't easy man

FMC: All though some would say otherwise!

WIO: Youre a ginger eh. Little Miss Manuel suffers from the gigervitus too. She pointed this out to me as kicked me square in the nuts...


Fat Sparrow: Funny thing is I actually do read the Guardian! Eek! But my God you carrot tops dont half stick up for your own.

toast said...

"Funny thing is I actually do read the Guardian!"

self-hating liberals - the worst kind

Manuel said...

Toast: I know I know, and guess where I live too....

Medbh said...

Sorry about the smoke ban, Manuel. It does make you cranky. May we add to your list bureaucrats who make medical decisions for women which force them to suffer needlessly?
Cheers!

EmmaK said...

I agree with you on most of these points, especially about kids being a bleeding nuisance (I have two of my own). I am wondering if I could patent a soundproof glass screen like they have in cabs, that i could put between myself and the screaming kids in the back thereby guaranteeing a nice quiet drive. If suffocation occurs a light could go off or something??

I am upset you don't like ladies who lunch, because i've always aspired to be one of those rich bitches.

Manuel said...

medbh: without question. A great choice.

emmak:You patent it, i'll sell em. Nah ladies what lunch are a waste of good skin, all be it well tanned skin

Old Knudsen said...

The Mirror supported Oswald Mosley and his fascists back in the day.

Manuel said...

as did the Mail. the Mirror has always been pish...

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