Smoking ban eh? What a pain in the ass. Already my morning routine has been ruined by having to sit outside for my coffee/croissant/fag (the breakfast of true athletes). And as I froze my bitter ass off (I could have crossed the road and gone to another place not in the shade but I'm a contrary old shite) I began to ruminate over the things that I would like to ban from public places for the good of society as a whole, but mainly for the good of me!
1. Range Rovers. Absolutely no need for these behemoths. But mainly no need for the cretins that drive them. Jumpers over the shoulders, never leaves the city, drives at 60mph in built up areas, and parks where he likes. COCKS. No bloody need.
2. Children. Far too much energy, far too loud, far too demanding, far too messy, to be allowed out in public. Children should be seen and not heard, served, or acknowledged in anyway.
3. Gingers. Hideous. Go away and get your hair dyed and don't forget your eyebrows. Makeup will cover the freckles you evil night walkers.
4. Razorlight/Pete Doherty. You can't sing, you can't play and you look awful. Your regurgitated pish rock makes me want to rip my ears off. You impress nobody but the fickle sheep who will move on soon enough to the next 'hot thing". Mr Doherty please just take the overdose we all know is coming you talentless, skinny, dying looking, junkie cunt. You are not a genius, you sir are a buffoon.
5. Ladies who lunch. The bane of restaurant/bar/coffee shop staff the world over. You add nothing to society. You order lunch, you push it round the plate, you complain about the temperature of the bottled water, and pay with a Gold Card. My God I hate you. Go and get a job you Gucci clad whore.
6. Guardianistas. Hippie, liberal, bleeding heart, hypocrites. Get your haircut and move out of leafy South Belfast and move into a council estate. And then tell me "they are just misunderstood". I bet your fridge is covered in Greenpeace stickers and your kids are called Josh and Poppy. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
7. Daily Mail readers. Right wing bigots of the worst sort. It's everyone else's fault isn't it? All that bloody moaning about tax and asylum seekers gets right on my tits. Get off your arse and help someone you brown shirt wearing bastards.
8. Politicians. You scum sucking, self absorbed, self interest obsessed, sell your granny for a vote, worthless shites. I despise you all. Tony Benn the exception. George Galloway, Nick Griffin, Tony Blair, Peter "the shouter" Robinson, Gerry "I wasn't in the Ra" Adams, all local politicians, fuck you all. I'd check the calender if you told me the date you lying bastards. Get off your asses and do some work.
9. Me, I offer nothing to society that can't be done by a well shaved monkey. And I can only think of nine things. I was going to say Leeds United but that seems to have been sorted. Result.
I'm off for a smoke. Someones gonna get it today, get it bad....