Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child is a spoilt brat that needs taught how to act in public and should really know better seeing as they are about 40 years old.
Doesn't really flow as well as the original but it's accurate.
Middle aged "lady" approaches The Princess stepping right into her personal space, so close in fact that noses nearly touched, and says:
"A, can we smoke?
B, can we get a drink?
C, can I get some cod? I see it's not on your menu but I want some?"
No time for the out dated niceties of "Hello" and "Excuse me" and just a bit of fucking patience.
Each question was barked out in the style of a frustrated geography teacher. If she had added "D, what is the capital of Ethiopia? Come on child, EEEE THEE OOOPIA, whats the capital?" I wouldn't have been surprised.
The Princess wasn't having it at all and replied,
B, just as soon as you sit down.
The Princess turned on her heels and walked away muttering, "Aye, yer roots". Which was reference to her badly dyed hair and not her heritage, apparently. I swear a little trickle of pee escaped I was laughing so hard. Speaking in lists isn't cool and just shows you up for the authorocratic, jumped up little shite you are. Don't do it. You might do it in your own office, I don't care, but knock it off when you go out to eat or drink.
Your trusty hero was minding his own business this afternoon, enjoying a quiet coffee and a smoke in a nearby coffee shop, when I felt the stale musty stench of death approach me. Lurching over my table stood two old duffers.
"You can't do that next week" croaked old duffer number one
"No.." added old duffer number 2. I immediately earmarked number one as the brains of the duo.
"You'll have to give it up, that smoking's no good. We were watching you there. One after the other after the other" continued old duffer number 1.
With cunning insight and great force old duffer number 2 piped in with "Too many"
Number one suddenly got a bit agitated as he knew I wasn't really taking any notice of their old men ramblings and upping the volume a bit continued with "And it's not fair for us non-smokers with all that in the air."
I could see other smokers around me moving their fags under their tables in fear that they maybe next for a lecture. I had to suppress my natural rage/rudeness and let it slide. I sort of admire old people and hope to be one in the future. But leave me alone for two minutes please. This sort of hassle does nothing for my persecution complex.
They shuffled on muttering away to themselves and I wondered for a moment if it had really happened. Had the drug induced flashbacks I was promised in the mid-nineties finally started. The chap at the table adjacent to mine was looking my way and clearly having witnessed the visit of the two old duffers of the apocalypse said "That's you told then init?" Told, indeed.
You can fuck off too "Mr Nosey-Smiles-a-lot."
I wouldn't mind but I was sitting in the smoking section. Old gits...