Thursday, 3 May 2007

Letters to Manuel

Manuel looking playful
I have received a lot of mail over the last few weeks asking me advice on all sorts of subjects, and asking me personal questions like what brand of pen I use to take orders. (It is a Bic Biro, black)

Here is a flavour of this correspondence:

Dear Manuel, your stories and tales of working in a restaurant make me laugh so hard that sometimes I poo my "tightie whities". But you make customers sound so dumb that I wonder if you are taking artistic licence and maybe are jazzing up your stories for dramatic effect. I find it hard to believe that people can be so rude.

Yours, cynical Susan.

Oh Susan, your cynicism upsets me as much as it angers me. All the stories I share on WellDoneFillet are true life accounts of my day to day struggles against bad manners, rudeness, and maniac chefs. There is no need to spice up stories! Now off you pop and change your briefs, you dirty girl.

Dear Manuel, I hate waiters. I hate your witty comments when taking orders. I hate the way you flirt with my girlfriend AND my mother. You sir are a cad and a bounder. And I hate the way you seem to know the answer to everything. This upsets me. Oh and that little corkscrew thing with it's silly little knife, that is just so gay. HA HA HA HA. All you waiters make me sick, with your legalised begging, you should be given an ASBO. This is what I would like to do to you.

Ha, take that dirty little waiter man.

Yours, Angry D.

Why all the anger, Angry D? We waiters don't really want to sleep with your Mothers or girlfriends. We just want your money. Now lets talk about the video. That feels like a threat, is it a threat? Because thats not nice. Maybe I will sleep with your mother...

Dear Manuel, why are you still a waiter? You are cl
early an intelligent young man with the capability and skills to do lots and lots of other things. A nice job in the bank or even in the Civil Service would suit you. You cant be a waiter when you are in your forties! Oh how I worry...

Dad, let me interrupt you here. I've told you about this! I like being a waiter and I don't want to work in the bank. Knock it off!

Dear Manuel, I
work as a barman in a bar/restauarnt in Athens. Should I be worried about these Scousers that are coming here for the Champions League Final on the 23rd of May? I have heaard some terrible things, like that poor Bulgarian waiter that got a paving slab dropped on his head, ouch, by these dirty people! Me and my friends are worried Manuel, what would you do?

Yours, a very worried Aristotle.

Aristotle, you should be worried! These scousers are a reprehensible lot. They will steal the gold from your filings and the wheels from your car. Aristotle, my best advice is to take the week off. Tell your friends to do the same. There is only so much shell suit you should have to put up with. Watch out in particular for their cry of "CALM DOWN EH". Shudder. They don't wash and will try to have sex with your dog. Yes, it is true, sex with your dog! Aristotle, take Manuels advice and go away for a week, relax, you deserve it.

eh eh eh eh eh
If you have any questions for Manuel just send me an email or leave a comment. Like all good waiters I just want to help! (And sleep with your mother)

9 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Kav said...

Manuel, has any of this flirting ever paid off? Of course, now that you have LMM, I know you're too much of a gentleman to take it further, put in the past, have you ever had the opportunity to slip it in? Giving the tip rather than receiving it, if you will.

Charlie said...

hahaha @ the scouser letter... So funneh

paddy said...

That is def-i-nte-ly no way to treat a waiter, but it totally cracked me up: class.
Flirting is an art, and not to be tainted with fruition. I guess you know that already.
Y:-) Paddy

Manuel said...

Kav: No I never went any further. My philosophy has always been, get in, get the cash and get out...

Charlie: calm down eh

Paddy: Not on! I am a master of the non-sleazy-givemeyourmoneyhoney-flirt.

Troika said...

I beat up waiters for a hobby. On Friday evenings I hang around all the good restaurants just so I can smack one of the cunts when he leaves work.

toast said...

You know when i read about Manuel flirting - this is the image that appeared in my head.....

from the very brilliant

Old Knudsen said...

Dear Manuel
I do not like waiters as they breath all over my food when they carry it and then expect you to give them a tip and then get an attitude when you tell them to fuck off, please can you tell me what is wrong with these people?

Manuel said...

troika: say hello to my waiters friend. That little knife can cut you know...

Old K; as above but with flu germs too. I once new a guy who was doing a buffet for the 80/90's goth band The Mission. They were pissing him off so much that when they asked him for grapes he took each grape and one by one rubbed them around his arse then plated them and brought them to the table. Waiters have the power, thin k on...

Toast. I know people like that, many many people like that.

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