Letters to Manuel

Manuel looking playful

I have received a lot of mail over the last few weeks asking me advice on all sorts of subjects, and asking me personal questions like what brand of pen I use to take orders. (It is a Bic Biro, black)

Here is a flavour of this correspondence:

Dear Manuel, your stories and tales of working in a restaurant make me laugh so hard that sometimes I poo my "tightie whities". But you make customers sound so dumb that I wonder if you are taking artistic licence and maybe are jazzing up your stories for dramatic effect. I find it hard to believe that people can be so rude.

Yours, cynical Susan.

Oh Susan, your cynicism upsets me as much as it angers me. All the stories I share on WellDoneFillet are true life accounts of my day to day struggles against bad manners, rudeness, and maniac chefs. There is no need to spice up stories! Now off you pop and change your briefs, you dirty girl.

Dear Manuel, I hate waiters. I hate your witty comments when taking orders. I hate the way you flirt with my girlfriend AND my mother. You sir are a cad and a bounder. And I hate the way you seem to know the answer to everything. This upsets me. Oh and that little corkscrew thing with it's silly little knife, that is just so gay. HA HA HA HA. All you waiters make me sick, with your legalised begging, you should be given an ASBO. This is what I would like to do to you.

Ha, take that dirty little waiter man.

Yours, Angry D.

Why all the anger, Angry D? We waiters don't really want to sleep with your Mothers or girlfriends. We just want your money. Now lets talk about the video. That feels like a threat, is it a threat? Because thats not nice. Maybe I will sleep with your mother...

Dear Manuel, why are you still a waiter? You are clearly an intelligent young man with the capability and skills to do lots and lots of other things. A nice job in the bank or even in the Civil Service would suit you. You cant be a waiter when you are in your forties! Oh how I worry...

Dad, let me interrupt you here. I've told you about this! I like being a waiter and I don't want to work in the bank. Knock it off!

Dear Manuel, I work as a barman in a bar/restauarnt in Athens. Should I be worried about these Scousers that are coming here for the Champions League Final on the 23rd of May? I have heaard some terrible things, like that poor Bulgarian waiter that got a paving slab dropped on his head, ouch, by these dirty people! Me and my friends are worried Manuel, what would you do?

Yours, a very worried Aristotle.


Aristotle, you should be worried! These scousers are a reprehensible lot. They will steal the gold from your filings and the wheels from your car. Aristotle, my best advice is to take the week off. Tell your friends to do the same. There is only so much shell suit you should have to put up with. Watch out in particular for their cry of "CALM DOWN EH". Shudder. They don't wash and will try to have sex with your dog. Yes, it is true, sex with your dog! Aristotle, take Manuels advice and go away for a week, relax, you deserve it.

eh eh eh eh eh

If you have any questions for Manuel just send me an email or leave a comment. Like all good waiters I just want to help! (And sleep with your mother)