And the award goes to.........

I'm a huge great big fan of end of year lists and reviews and that sort of thing. It's quite nerdy, but there you go. So I'll be shoving a few lists under your nose's over the next few days much like TV news shows do at this time of the year when they have time to fill but have no actual news to fill it with.

List Number 1 - Customer Comment/Question of the Year

Ah the things that customers say never fail to surprise/shock/offend/frighten me. Seriously people please think before you speak. Engage your brain, try and run the conversation through your smarts filter before you commit to wasting energy and breath. The top 5 comments/questions of the year are,

1. "Look at theese" he said pointing out the label. "Theese numbers mean eet is full of cow sheets." (He was French) If you are going to ridicule and make grand political speeches about the evils of the Coca-Cola Empire then you may as well make it to an executive of that company. Not that I knew it at the time.
2. "Oh good your local!" Exclaimed suburban Nazi lady
3. "IT'S RUINED. IT TASTES OF NOTHING BUT VINEGAR" roared the man who had just soaked his pan fried liver in eh um er vinegar.
   
4. "Women? Sure I'm a man. You wanna see 'it'?" asked the man in the lovely white trousers, open toed white shoes sporting an orange blouse, blonde flowing hair, hands like shovels and the voice of a JCB digger.
5. "You've missed a bit." I love it when customers try to help. Missed a bit did I? Here's yer bill." Now fuck right off......

List Number 2 - Are you for real? Seriously, are you for real?
(mouth breathers of the year)

Some people shouldn't be allowed out in public unsupervised let alone allowed to to dirty up my restaurant with their low grade DNA. These were my least favourite guests of the year. I call them guests but that's like calling a steaming pile of dog mess chocolate.

1. Fat man and Thumb stubber. I suppose I should be thanking them in a way as they are the pair of cretins that finally pushed me over the edge and "inspired" me to start the blog. But fuck them both, again and again and again. And not in a good way either.
2. Mrs Cuntish Bastard. I hate you so much. She actually phoned and suggested to the management that I not be allowed to serve her. Like you should be so lucky to get me.
   
3. Slovenly McGinBreath. Oh I double hate you. Don't ever try to lie to me or ever try to do a runner. I will catch you and make you pay.....your bill.
4. Kids eh? Don't know they're born. This was the heart warming story of the teenager who ran out on her mum whilst out to celebrate their birthdays.
   
5. Suburban Nazi lady her chap (again)

More tomorrow........