Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Eet as cow sheets in it....!

a Ballygowan cow
hard at work

"Ave you got a boittle of Deeeep Rivyer Rock water?" Asked the scruffy French man.

"Yeah why not" I replied.

This table had me stressed out already and they hadn't even ordered yet. It was a six top, 5 Russians and the scruffy Frenchman. Four of the Russians had been there for about twenty minutes before the Frenchman arrived. The problem was none of the Russians could speak English. This was clear when I asked them if they would like a drink. The just replied with blank stares. I gave them the international sign for drink, cupped hand to mouth, and to see their little faces light up was a joy. I say "little" but these guys looked like ex-army, shoulders you could tap dance on and fists like shovels.

"Forbish" said the leader of the Russians

"Forbish?" Now I wore the look of puzzlement.

"Bish, forbish" he explained. "Visky, Bish visky!"

Ahhhhhhh, BUSHMILLS whiskey?" We were getting somewhere.

I should add a Russian to English dictionary to my bag list. I served their Bish Visky and left them alone hoping someone who could speak English would be joining them.

It didn't get any easier with the rest of my tables. I had a table of 6 French tourists and a 7 top who could have been the crew of a Benetton advert such was the diversity of their make up. All the locals must have been manning the sandbags.

I digress.

The scruffy Frenchman arrived along with another Russian, much to the relief of both me and the Viskied up Russians. There was much slapping of backs and hugging. The Frenchman took over.

So now we are back to the start of the story again.

"Ave you got a boittle of Deeeep Rivyer Rock water?"

I said yes, knowing fine rightly we serve Ballygowan mineral water. But waters water eh? And what was Pepe Le Pew to know! So off I popped to retrieve their waters. But as soon as I returned to the table Pepe got upset with my choice of water.

"Sir, what ess thesse? You ave no Deeep Rivyer Rock water? Eet ees the best no?"

I was getting a bit pissed off. If they were gonna get picky about the brand of mineral water we serve then it didn't auger well for the rest of the meal.

"Would you prefer that I take the water away? Maybe you would prefer some tap water? I enquired with "genuine" sincerity.

"No, no eet will do. You should serve Deeep Rivyer Rock water. Eet is much superior to dis water."

Christ, just what I need, a mineral water expert.

"Look at theese" he said pointing out the label. "Theese numbers mean eet is full of cow sheets."

"Really sir, cow sheets?" I was really hanging on to life by this point. I wanted to scream "IT'S FUCKING WATER YOU DICK!" But instead countered with a tirade against Deep River Rock and it's producer, the wonderful Coca-Cola company. I gave them chapter and verse about the whole Dasani affair and how dodgy Coca-Cola are. I really went for it. Pepe wasn't having it though and kept shaking his head saying,

"But Deeep Rivyer Rock water has no cow sheets in it!"

I served and poured their water and managed to excuse myself from the table. The rest of the meal went without a hitch. The Russians ordered more whiskey and Pepe had more cow poo infested water. We laughed about it! But Pepe wouldn't let it go.

After a while they asked for the bill, they paid and left leaving no tip. Fuck you, I thought to myself, it was only bloody mineral water. I went down to the table to see if they had left anything there. There was no cash, instead I found a business card for Pepe Le Pew. A business card for, wait for it, Coca-Bloody-Cola.

MERDE as the French might say.

all the planning in the world
couldn't prevent this case of foot in mouth

21 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

tallulahbloom said...

That made me laugh so much I spat a bit of my coffee out!

Fat Sparrow said...

Hahaha, if I had a dollar for every time I've put my foot in my mouth, I'd have at least $12.

You should have poisoned the fuckers. We know polonium works on Russians, I'm sure it would have worked on the Frenchie, too.

And Dasani tastes just like what it is, nasty tap water. Good on you.

Fat Sparrow said...

Oh, and I forgot to say....

The latest trend in Northern California is for the uppity restaurants to serve only tap water, so they can be "environmentally friendly" by not trucking in loads of bottled water. Personally, I think it's just yet another case of the upper crust rejecting something once the masses have it. Now that McDonald's sell bottled water, the snooty restaurants are rejecting it. Of course, they can't get away with that here in Southern California, as our tap water tastes like gritty piss and is contaminated beyond belief.

Ah, for the good old days, when "cow sheets" were all that was in our water.

ellie said...

What I want to know is what were five Russians doing dining with a Frenchman in Belfast?
We are only just getting used to the Japanese tourists with their cameras. It's all a bit confusing for a wee country that has only just grown up.

Anonymous said...

Jeez Manuel, that wasn't a good day at the office, was it?! Typical frog ( is that a wee bit wrong to say that?!)huh. You should have bottled some of the rain water that has lashed down in massive proportions here, some ice and a slice and he wouldn't have known a thing....

Medbh said...

No fucking tip?
From a corporate water snob?
You have a lot of patience, Manuel.

fatmammycat said...

Those miserable bassstids.

Kira said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
emmak said...

Ha ha, very funny. How could you have known who he worked for unless he was wearing a coca cola t-shit? Personally I would have peed in his mineral water, but that's probably why I will never have a career as a waitress.

savannah said...

i am cracking up here, sugar! but as we say wtf? ya got a great blog story outta the whole damn evening....btw, coca cola was started up in atalanta which shoud explain to you why i live in savannah ;)

yeah, what ellie said about the tourists...any idea what russians were doing with a french interperter? (gawd, that sounds like a great lead in to a joke)

Manuel said...

tallulahbloom: sorry bout that, I laughed too... but much later on

Fat Sparrow: I regret nothing, any more lip and I would have called immigration. Oh and what California does today we will do in 3/5 years time.

elli: the mind boggles! I was thinking everything from rich Russian oligarchs to Chechen rebels.

anon: I should have bottled him

medbh: eh no i don't

emmak: I've seen your video, you can come work wi me anytime

fmc: Cunts is another good and apt word

savannah: petal theres a silver lining to every shit night

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Ha! Love it!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

And stay dry, you two,

Charlie said...

a ha a hahahahahaha! HAHAHAHA silly monkey Manuel! Silly monkey!

whyioughtta said...

OMG--hilarious. You've gotta tell us: what's his job title.

Please say he works in Marketing.

Manuel said...

Sam: I laughed too, what else could I do?! I'm starting to think it will never stop raining....

Charlie: Silly monkey indeed. I was flinging my shit all round the restaurant...

wio: Cant remember, it was something technical though... VP in charge of cow sheet maybe...

Old Knudsen said...

my piss is gritty but I like to drink it.

Donn Coppens said...

I should have saved some of my vitriol for this comment but I blew most of my wad back at MJs.

Now I understand that you are bound by certain rituals which have been developed for the express purpose of not strangling smarmy little twats in their seats but surely to goodness exceptions can be made for Frenchmen?

Why do they taunt us so? Other than their nationalistic propensity for being the proverbial Bridesmaid in every thing that they do, what is it that drives them to be so unlovable in public places?

I kid of course, living in a bilingual country I adore my fellow North American Francophones who are not as surly as their rivals in France. Yes indeed the two of them do not get along at all because the Euro version pooh-pooh the pedestrian intonations of our brand.
La-di-f*cking-da eh?

Kapitano said...

Heinz should do a fish flavoured sauce in a bottle, for squirting on tomatoes.

Anonymous said...

i thought cows sleep on hay? sheets? spoiled cheese-eating french cows might use 'em, but real cows sleep in the dirt...

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