Back in the "Real" World-The story of MrsMcGinBreath

Truth is stranger than fiction. Well maybe not stranger but definetly more annoying. Some events you just can't make up....

The McGinBreath Family....

Escape is futile and lying is even more pointless

Last Wednesday night was busy despite having few bookings at the start of the evening. Before long I found myself bollocks deep in concert goers, metaphorically speaking of course. Don McClean doesn't attract a young and sexy crowd. But for the most part it was a good crowd. I even got the manager to put that God awful "American Pie" song on, twice. I suggested he fill the rest of the playlist with Neil Diamond, Cat Stevens, and various others from the painfully dull section of the Juke Box. Actually I quite like Neil Diamond and his songs of cheap Canadian wine.

As I reached the point were I could take no more, new customers that is the music was just a blur, I started advising new, unreserved, customers that there would be an hours wait for a table. I had the room to take new customers but not the time, hands, or will to do so. Am I not human? If you cut me do I not bleed? I was up to my ample man breasts in tables and I could handle no more. I greeted new customers with a

"I'MSORRYWEAREFULLYOUCANGETATABLEINANHOUROKAY?
YOUWANNATABLEINANHOUR?"

It was said just like that, fast, no stopping for breath, no room for idle chit chat, no opportunity for supplementary questions. If you are ever faced with a waiter like that just turn and walk away. No good can come from staying, and for the love of Jesus don't try and engage him in conversation. Don't ask him to recommend somewhere else. Don't try and appeal to him. As most were going to the concert most took the hint and headed off without complaint. Who goes for dinner an hour before a concert starts? And what kind of concert starts at 8pm any way? A couple of people made reservations for later in the evening including a table of seven from Bulgaria. This had me humming the theme tune to the Wombles for the rest of the night (invented recycling you know).

Most people declined my offer of a "TABLEINANHOUROKAY". So I was rather surprised to see a young woman return with another older woman 20 minutes after we had the "I'MSORRYWEAREFULLYOUCANGETATABLEINANHOUROKAY?" conversation. Surprised because she indicated that she didn't wantatableinanhourokay. The older woman took charge of the negotiations.

"Is our table ready yet?"

"Table madam?" You have a table booked madam? I did my pretend to look for a booking I know isn't there skit.

"Yes we have a booking in the name of Slovenly McGinBreath."

"I'm not sure you do madam...." I produced my star witness at this point, Mrs McGinBreath's own daughter.....

"Actually mum I didn't book a table earlier it was too busy." Said young McGinBreath

"YES you did." She stared at her daughter with very wide eyes.

"Madam I can assure you that you do not have a reservation this evening but if you would like to make a reservation I could have a table ready for you in about 40 minutes." I was getting stroppy. I had the Wombles in my head, an arm full of plates, and 2 sections full of customers wondering were the devilishly handsome waiter had disappeared to. I didn't have time to play "Yes I did. No you didn't" with Mrs Slovenly McGinBreath.

She didn't respond

She just stared at me

For about 30 seconds she just stared at me

I think she was trying to intimidate me or something. Wasted....actually I'm starting to think she was wasted.

"Well? Do-you-want-a-table?"

"Yes we do. And write it down this time."

I should have walked away but no I couldn't let it go. "Madam you didn't have a booking the first time. Now you have a booking."

She stared again.

Then said, "Well write it down."

"No"

"Write it down"

"No"

'Write it down, I don't want you forgetting again."

"I didn't forget something that didn't happen. Now I'm not gonna write it down. I'll see you in forty minutes. And madam..."

"What?"

"I'm looking forward to it."

She stared again. But shuffled off. I was seething. Lying is bad but trying to say that I forgot is just fucking insulting.

The early diners departed and I had a pocket full of golden and folding thank you's. And right on queue Mrs Slovenly McGinBreath reappeared with a sheepish/embarrased looking daughter in tow. I showed them to their table and recited the soup and specials. I was EXTRA SUPER DUPER LOVELY NICE MAN. Killing with kindness is a particular favourite of mine. I fixed their drinks, wine spritzer for the young McGinBreath and vodka and coke for the ma. Which was a surprise. I took their order, chicken and steak, well done. Game over for me at this point. Young McGinBreath handed me her menu, I thanked her but mummy McGinBreath wasn't done with the games. She wouldn't let go of the menu. She just stared and smiled at me.

"If I could have your menu madam."

"Are we annoying you? Are we torturing you?"

"If I can just have your menu madam I can get your order placed." And at that I snapped the menu from her grip.

"Cunt" I muttered as I walked away from the table out of earshot of said cunt.

Food was served, in silence. Plates were cleared with the minimum of fuss or questioning, just enough to discover that the food was good and that they didn't want sweets. I left them to it. After a further ten minutes or so young McGinBreath left the restaurant with her bag and coat. I assumed she was going for a smoke. Mummy McGinBreath was on her mobile phone. Five more minutes past when Mrs Slovenly McGinBreath attempted to make her way out of the restaurant. Fucking what? Not on my shift Mrs...

"Uhum uhum excuse me, if I could just get you to settle your bill before you go."

"I was just going for a smoke."

"That's great. You'll enjoy it more once you settle the bill."

"How much is it." She snapped. At this point I noticed the taxi parked out front. The taxi that McGinBreath the younger was sitting in. The sneaky, lying, trying to stiff the waiter bastard. She settled the bill and left me 85p. Which was nice. So word to the wise if a Mrs McGinBreath says she has a reservation in your restaurant tell her to get to fuck out and slam the door on her.

The bare faced cheek...