There are happy stories too

shiny happy people
wear shiny happy shoes
not me though

I'm not always angry. I'm quite often a very happy person. It's just that some/a lot of people bring the hate out in me. Yesterday's story of Mrs Slovenly McGinBreath being a prime example and the story of Mrs Cuntish Bastard being another. In fact this blog will act as evidence for the prosecution when I finally do go mad and take a dining room full of customers out. And I mean out in the Hollywood sense. I mean it's one story after the other of moaning customers, moaning waiters, moaning chefs, and more moaning waiters. It's a wonder I go to work at all. Saying that I was very happy on Thursday night. I know you're thinking the tips must have been good, why else would he be happy? But it wasn't the tips alone. In fact the tips were just okay.

I had a walk-in of a table of four, 2 men and 2 women. At first I thought it was two couples out on a double date. But something didn't seem right. They were all trying too hard. And when one of the guys called one of the women Jenny only to be told her name was "Jane, you silly man" I realised that these were brand new "friendships." These men were very alpha. Striped shirts with cuff links, Blackberry's, pin stripe trousers and big booming voices. The alpha's work day uniform.

The lead alpha did most of the talking, someone has to be top dog and as he was wearing black patent shoes so clearly he was the top dog. He ordered the wine, a very nice bottle of Chablis which just happens to be our most expensive white wine, and a round of vodka and........Redbull. Classy mother fucker. He asked me my name and then continued to use it for the rest of the night like we were old buddies. I fucking hate that. But worst of all he ordered for the two ladies like they weren't there.

"She'll have the rib-eye medium with mash"

"I want chips."

"Actually Manuel give her chips will you."

As if he had decided the chips would be better for her. I wrote none of her order down without checking with her. I was talking to her as he was talking to me. Someone was getting ignored. He was ignoring her. I was ignoring him. She was ignoring him too. For himself he ordered the equivalent of the finest food stuffed with the second finest food. I cannot impress upon you enough how classy this guy thought he was when in fact he was a step down from white dog shit. The other lady was in the toilet when I was taking the order. She was in there for so long The Princess had to go in and check she wasn't slumped dead in a pool of her own mess from alcohol poisoning. But alpha ordered her chicken reasoning that "all women like chicken." Christ. Give me strength.

Food ordered and drinks served, I stood back and observed them from across the bar. The conversation was riveting. "What kind of cars do you own?" "I'm a size 8 but my boobs are huge!" (which they weren't, yes I checked!) "I've never been married have you?" "Do you two share a house?" "I bought my third house last week." "Yes, two gold cards actually." Now I know how the waiters in Socrates local tavern must have felt when he came into chill out at the end of a long days thinking.

More drink was ordered, more vodka and Redbull, doubles this time and another bottle of wine. Whenever the ladies got up to go to the bathroom they got their asses smacked by their gentlemen friend. Which is nice I'm sure. The Princess wandered up to join me in my observations/judging. "Sluts" she said and walked away. There is something about the way a woman says "slut" that is more cutting than when a man says it.

The food was served and surprisingly eaten too. I was sure the ladies would push their round the plate. I cleared their plates and took their sweets and coffee order. And this is when the sleaziest thing happened. The lead alpha dog ordered coffees for the two ladies saying, "I'm ordering you coffee so that you cant say I got you drunk." The implication being that he knew they might end up doing something they later regretted and he wanted absolved of any guilt in advance. You dirty sleazy bastard. I brought their coffees which was pointless as they ordered a round of Irish coffees as well.

The restaurant was closing when I asked them if the wanted anything else. "No Manuel, there is only one more thing I need tonight" said alpha dick. This caused the ladies to giggle and sent a cold shudder down my back. The thought of him having his "need" fulfilled was horrific in the extreme. But one of the ladies wasn't finished "Champagne! We need champagne!" Alpha couldn't say no. I could, but he couldn't. So it was through very grated teeth that I said, "Yes madam." Champagne served and champagne finished, in about ten minutes too. Someone really wanted to get his corked popped at home. I dropped the big fat bill down. They paid and tipped well too I may add. And of they popped.

Now where is the bit that made you happy I hear you ask? Well as I was leaving to go home I spotted the two lads but the ladies were no where to be seen. The two men looked a whole lot less alpha without their two escorts. In fact they look crestfallen. What had gone so dramatically wrong? The two men slumped into the back of a taxi and with that the two ladies came back round the corner with two completely new and bigger alpha dogs. And that, ladies and gentlemen, made me very happy, very happy indeed.

And anyway the other man was wearing sandals with his pin stripes. Sandals? What the fuck?