Reasons to phone in sick
Manuel's favourite tablean empty table...
Five groups of customers that make me want to get sick (So I don't have to go to work)
6. Tax officials (HM Revenue). No sense of humour at all. I had a table recently of tax officials for dinner and as an ice breaker I though I would ask them if they wanted any cheap cigarettes or DVD's. Okay it's not Bill Hicks but worth a giggle I thought. Not a peep except one smart arse who asked me if I had declared my tips recently. Cunt, that's just not funny. The rest of the meal was served in silence.
5. Estate Agents. These are the main exponents of cuff link wars. They dress flash, bad pin stripe suits, garish shirts and ties, and clunky bling type cuff links. Insecure? I think so! They dress flash, act flash, order flash, and tip flash. I'm not complaining about getting the tip, it's the way they do it, loud and patronising, "Hey my man, that's for you!" as they stuff a fiver into my sweaty paw. It's almost always followed up with a wink. They are manageable in small groups, tables of one or two. Anything more than that and they revert to chimps in a zoo. Unless the alpha male is there they spend the whole meal trying to out do each other. Lads, just get yer dicks out and see who has the biggest eh. Then we can get on with lunch. Jesus wept!
4. Bankers. are wankers. (It's like Wordsworth has risen from the dead eh?) Too cocky by half. And they act like spoilt brats when they are out for the night. They lose all sense of decorum and the ability to say please and thank you. If you don't believe me read this posting from a while ago.
3. Recruitment Consultants. Cheap, cheap cheap, and have no sense of humour. In many respects they are like teachers. They are full of their own self importance and never stop working even whilst they eat. Their phones never stop! They get up during their meal and do that pacing back and forward whilst talking on their mobiles thing. Gets right on my tits. SIT FUCKING DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT. I like to make a point of putting the jug of water (so fucking cheap) on top of their faxes and e-mails. It really winds them up. Quality...
2. Other waiters, bar staff, and managers. Ohhh controversial choice. Whilst they may be King Dick in their own restaurants, they are just another stumbling block delaying my route to the taxi home. People who work in the business fall into two camps, those who want you to know they work in the business and those who don't. By telling you that they work in the business they hope to put you under pressure and are letting you know that they cant be bullshitted. Is that right? We shall just see...Managers from other restaurants always try to find fault with the food or they ask for a drink they know we don't stock. Catch a fucking grip you power crazed insecure arse wipes. I keep myself to myself when I'm out. Well you wouldn't have expected anything else from em would you. (What about writing about them on your blog eh-LMM)
1. Teachers. They are unbearable to serve. I know you know this already. I've mentioned my "love" of serving teachers, here, here, here, and here. Have I got unresolved school issues? I think so...6. Tax officials (HM Revenue). No sense of humour at all. I had a table recently of tax officials for dinner and as an ice breaker I though I would ask them if they wanted any cheap cigarettes or DVD's. Okay it's not Bill Hicks but worth a giggle I thought. Not a peep except one smart arse who asked me if I had declared my tips recently. Cunt, that's just not funny. The rest of the meal was served in silence.
5. Estate Agents. These are the main exponents of cuff link wars. They dress flash, bad pin stripe suits, garish shirts and ties, and clunky bling type cuff links. Insecure? I think so! They dress flash, act flash, order flash, and tip flash. I'm not complaining about getting the tip, it's the way they do it, loud and patronising, "Hey my man, that's for you!" as they stuff a fiver into my sweaty paw. It's almost always followed up with a wink. They are manageable in small groups, tables of one or two. Anything more than that and they revert to chimps in a zoo. Unless the alpha male is there they spend the whole meal trying to out do each other. Lads, just get yer dicks out and see who has the biggest eh. Then we can get on with lunch. Jesus wept!
4. Bankers. are wankers. (It's like Wordsworth has risen from the dead eh?) Too cocky by half. And they act like spoilt brats when they are out for the night. They lose all sense of decorum and the ability to say please and thank you. If you don't believe me read this posting from a while ago.
3. Recruitment Consultants. Cheap, cheap cheap, and have no sense of humour. In many respects they are like teachers. They are full of their own self importance and never stop working even whilst they eat. Their phones never stop! They get up during their meal and do that pacing back and forward whilst talking on their mobiles thing. Gets right on my tits. SIT FUCKING DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT. I like to make a point of putting the jug of water (so fucking cheap) on top of their faxes and e-mails. It really winds them up. Quality...
2. Other waiters, bar staff, and managers. Ohhh controversial choice. Whilst they may be King Dick in their own restaurants, they are just another stumbling block delaying my route to the taxi home. People who work in the business fall into two camps, those who want you to know they work in the business and those who don't. By telling you that they work in the business they hope to put you under pressure and are letting you know that they cant be bullshitted. Is that right? We shall just see...Managers from other restaurants always try to find fault with the food or they ask for a drink they know we don't stock. Catch a fucking grip you power crazed insecure arse wipes. I keep myself to myself when I'm out. Well you wouldn't have expected anything else from em would you. (What about writing about them on your blog eh-LMM)
I know I said five but I have given you six. That's me, always giving that little bit extra. Tomorrow, 5* tables I actually enjoy serving.
*May not be 5....
16 People trying to get Manuel's attention:
How could you leave secretaries off the list, Manuel?
Or are they only horrible when a woman is waiting on them? The only people a secretary can shit on is wait staff and beauticians. And they do it with gusto.
And a pox on the tax man who inquired about your tip revenue.
Medbh: Never had a problem with them....yet
why are...people in general such asses when they go out? i honestly don't get it. depressing, really.
p.s the new banner is pretty bitchin' :]
A better ice breaker might have been to offer them hookers? No? is that just what we do in the U.S?
OK.
A pox on them all!
I agree with the teacher thing, trying to arrange an appointment for one of them is a nightmare, they run through the entire list of after-school activities before they decide if they can make it or not.
You left out culchies/farmers - surely the most tight-fisted, whinging bunch of hoors on gods green, EU subsidised earth. They're only happy when they go to the 'local' pub/restaurant where they can get their steak cremated and a nice bit of apple crumble afterwards.
And they never, ever tip.
Angela: bannertastic eh!? Some people can't get over themselves...
Anonymous boxer: Now that would have been fun...
Ellie: Idiots, self involved idiots...
Sheepo: There will be a second list, maybe a third and forth list to too....my disdain for most people shows no sign of ending....
Many years ago, when I was but a stripling, I worked in restaurants, usually behind the scenes with my arm up to the oxter in pots. What made it bearable was when a waiter called time on a 'patron' or 'patrons' who had outstayed their welcome for some infraction, usually in the middle of their meal. We got word to make an appearance on the restaurant floor and they were offered a brief window of opportunity to leave unassisted. They always took it.
Jaysus Conan, you musta worked in the hardest restaurant in town!
Getting the dish-monkeys out to threaten customers?! Sheesh!
Conan Drumm: Been there, had one a few weeks ago, not in the restaurant but in the bar. Chefs got bored waiting for something to happen and all went for a smoke. Then the chap kicked off leaving the manager on his own...V funny. Clearly I stay out of the way of such events....
Sheepo: Some punters just need to go sometimes.....
Yup, they've got hands they can't keep to themselves or they make a steady stream of totally and clearly unreasonable complaints (with a view to having their bill greatly reduced) so you throw them out before it gets to the 3rd course. Other punters usually approve because they ruin the night for everyone.
ive worked in enough bars where no shit is taken, but never seen it bein done in a restaurant before - usually the embarrasment of being asked to leave infront of ladyfriend/mates is enough - an ive worked in a good few crappy restaurants.
what sorta wanker wuld wanna start a fight in a friggin restaurant anyway?
Doesn't need to be a fight. In fact the tolerance for arsing about is lower in a restaurant meaning that you can get chucked for stuff that wouldn't be a problem in a bar. It doesn't happen very often, most people usually save the arsing about for later in the night. Plus mangers are wimps.....hehehehehe
so white collar workers and those in the service industry are twats, I suspected as much. I like eating out, I can be rude to strangers (always good) and make a mess that I wouldn't make at home.
Old K: It's not just white collar workers, my hate is classless....
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