Sunday, 1 July 2007

Barristers, Bankers, and the Bonkers: Full Moon Tales

Howling at the moon or Shouting at the waiter
it's all the same to these dicks...


I should have guessed there was a full moon coming. Teachers aren't nice, and Frenchmen aren't polite. They, like all the unhinged in society, are affected by changes in the lunar calendar. If you are normally a rude, smug, self obsessed, authoritarian then the appearance of a full moon seems to mellow you out. If you are normally an arrogant, rude, smug, self obsessed, continental type then the appearance of the full moon seems to turn you a bit Irish. Which is nice.

Clearly there were going to be negative effects of the full moon. For example we had a table of barristers. Despite being told earlier in the afternoon that they couldn't add anyone on to their table of 18, as there wasn't the room, they arrived with 22 then 23 finishing at 24. And then had the balls to complain that "We're all squashed" Awh poor didums. How could people who are without a doubt intelligent, logical, and articulate become so fucking dumb? 24 into 18 doesn't go! But then again if you wear a long black gown and wig to work everyday then you have to assume that there is something slightly lacking in your mental make up. Take em down m'lad.

At the same time that the barristers were messing themselves we had a table of 30 senior bank employees arrive. They were hammered, pished, fall down drunk. Serving people who have enjoyed more than a sniff at the barmaids apron is an occupational hazard. But when it's such a large group of egotists you really have to be on the top of your game. For the most part they were friendly drunks, but there were about 8 nasty drunks amongst them.

Here, get me a pint of Guinness?

Yes sir in a moment (we were serving the first course at the time)

For fuck sake I'll get my own

And up he got nearly knocking The Princess over in the process. What a dick. This particular group are regular customers and whilst they certainly wouldn't be my favourites they aren't normally this aggressive. And it wasn't just aggression there was love on their minds too. We all had a giggle at the married couple talking to a younger co-worker. The older gentleman was having a really good fondle of his younger colleagues bottom the whole time whilst standing with his arm round his wife's shoulder! There was something akin to mayhem in the room they were dining in. Ties round heads, bottles of wine lifted to mouths, screaming and whoop whooping, glasses getting knocked over. Sweet Jesus give me strength. If they had morphed into apes and started flinging their shit round the room I wouldn't have been a bit surprised. A real bunch of bankers...

But my favourite and slightly surreal moment was when The Princess and I were outside having a well earned smoke break. We were approached by what can only be described as a very shiny drunk man. He had one of those suntans that can only be obtained by spending lots of time drinking outdoors. He wore tight blue jeans, black slip on shoes and a denim shirt, unbuttoned to his belly button. The full moon reflected on his bald burnt slap head. He stumbled over to us with one arm outstretched much like an extra in George A Romero's Night of the Living Dead. When he finally made it he opened with:

"Here, here, smoking? You... now c'mon...smoking! Ahhhhh now smoking...not allowed..."

Fuck right off will you? I'm not in the mood

"You telling me to fuck off? EH...Give us a fag?"

No, now will you piss of and leave us alone.

He was trying to get up off the road but the kerb was proving too much of an obstacle.

"You two aren't meant to be smoking. I know the Chief Custable you know...10 FEET from the wall...meters....feet..yes feet...ten feet"

Jesus! We went outside to get away from the loonies not to engage one in conversation. He was wobbling all over the place and barely coherent. Much like the bankers upstairs. He made one more attempt to get a fag and shuffled off shouting "ten feet..not meant to be smoking...Custable...blue moon you saw me standing alone.."

Well maybe not the blue moon bit. I'm checking my diary and will ensure I am off work for the next full moon...

22 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

ellie said...

I agree totally withthe full moon theory. If a hitherto normal patient is going to flip their lid and need intervention by the Crisis Response Team (really!) then it is going to happen in the days immediately before or after a full moon!
Want to swap jobs on 30th July?

Ms Robinson said...

I hate bankers. Never sleep with them. They are boring.

Old Knudsen said...

Its called on their moons for a reason you know.

Manuel said...

ellie: Swap jobs eh? Nah all my punters have made up or irrelevant problems, yours probably have real ones like hamsters up bums etc...

Mrs Robinson: Hello and welcome. A glass of red maybe? Chateau Petrus? A great choice. I can promise you I shall never sleep with a banker. I've been fucked by them enough as it is...

Old K: Succinct as always

Lord Milky said...

Tramp talking. It gives life a touch of frisson does it not?

savannah said...

it's universal...i've taken to staying home when the moon is full...

Conortje said...

Do bankers at least tip well?

Fat Sparrow said...

Once upon a time, there was a guy I knew. When he would be smoking a cigarette, and someone would come up and ask him for a cigarette, he would try to burn them with his cigarette. And then he would tell them "What? You asked for it!"

Manuel said...

Lord Milky: So does hepatitis!

Savannah: As will i..

Conortje: Actually they do, very well

Fat Sparrow: That's old Knudsen isn't it?

Sassy Sundry said...

That shiny part nearly got me fired for reading blogs at work.

Hee hee.

Sorry that you had such a tough go of it. Shouldn't have adjusted that dial.

Lord Milky said...

"So does hepatitis!"

I was not aware one could catch that from simply talking to tramps.

Medbh said...

This'll make you relish your holiday with LMM even more, Manuel.
A full moon always makes me feel optimistic but the shrinks have studied and documented lunar mood swings.

Manuel said...

Sassy Sundry: Shiny people are the best...

Lord Milky: They tend to spray more than say. Also one local legend of the street drinking scene "Ginger Gerry" took a shit in the area where the staff smoke. Makes for a wonderful Sunday evening...

Medbh: I cannot wait. I swear I may explode.

Lord Milky said...

I am sorry I ever doubted you good sir.

Bock the Robber said...

I wonder about this full moon thing. It might not be as nutty as we think. I'll put a team of my researchers on it right away and let you have their findings.

By the way, what gave you the idea that barristers are intelligent and logical?

fatmammycat said...

Two of my velly good pals and chumley warners are barristers, one of them can't get through a night out without ripping his socks and screaming 'WILD GOOD TIME!" at folk and the other is a lunatic with a coke problem.
I have never seen them eat.

Manuel said...

Lord Milky: We are each entitled to one mistake old chap..

Bock: Send your team up my way for the next full moon. They will see things mortals should never have to see...

FMC: It's all to do with the wigs, I'm sure of it...

whyioughtta said...

Having worked in a law firm and in a bank, I can safely say the full moon had nothing to do with it. These people are all insane, all the time.

Anonymous said...

To true, have you ever tried to get your own money out of your own account? Bastardos

Mr Farty said...

Bankers - Grrr! etc.

No, I work in a Computer Centre. Definitely not a Bank. No sirree!

*ahem*

Manuel said...

WIO: Ah conformation of what I always suspected...

Anon: Indeed, thieving gets..

Mr Farty: A banks computer centre? It is isn't it....?

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