Barristers, Bankers, and the Bonkers: Full Moon Tales

Howling at the moon or Shouting at the waiter
it's all the same to these dicks...

I should have guessed there was a full moon coming. Teachers aren't nice, and Frenchmen aren't polite. They, like all the unhinged in society, are affected by changes in the lunar calendar. If you are normally a rude, smug, self obsessed, authoritarian then the appearance of a full moon seems to mellow you out. If you are normally an arrogant, rude, smug, self obsessed, continental type then the appearance of the full moon seems to turn you a bit Irish. Which is nice.

Clearly there were going to be negative effects of the full moon. For example we had a table of barristers. Despite being told earlier in the afternoon that they couldn't add anyone on to their table of 18, as there wasn't the room, they arrived with 22 then 23 finishing at 24. And then had the balls to complain that "We're all squashed" Awh poor didums. How could people who are without a doubt intelligent, logical, and articulate become so fucking dumb? 24 into 18 doesn't go! But then again if you wear a long black gown and wig to work everyday then you have to assume that there is something slightly lacking in your mental make up. Take em down m'lad.

At the same time that the barristers were messing themselves we had a table of 30 senior bank employees arrive. They were hammered, pished, fall down drunk. Serving people who have enjoyed more than a sniff at the barmaids apron is an occupational hazard. But when it's such a large group of egotists you really have to be on the top of your game. For the most part they were friendly drunks, but there were about 8 nasty drunks amongst them.

Here, get me a pint of Guinness?

Yes sir in a moment (we were serving the first course at the time)

For fuck sake I'll get my own

And up he got nearly knocking The Princess over in the process. What a dick. This particular group are regular customers and whilst they certainly wouldn't be my favourites they aren't normally this aggressive. And it wasn't just aggression there was love on their minds too. We all had a giggle at the married couple talking to a younger co-worker. The older gentleman was having a really good fondle of his younger colleagues bottom the whole time whilst standing with his arm round his wife's shoulder! There was something akin to mayhem in the room they were dining in. Ties round heads, bottles of wine lifted to mouths, screaming and whoop whooping, glasses getting knocked over. Sweet Jesus give me strength. If they had morphed into apes and started flinging their shit round the room I wouldn't have been a bit surprised. A real bunch of bankers...

But my favourite and slightly surreal moment was when The Princess and I were outside having a well earned smoke break. We were approached by what can only be described as a very shiny drunk man. He had one of those suntans that can only be obtained by spending lots of time drinking outdoors. He wore tight blue jeans, black slip on shoes and a denim shirt, unbuttoned to his belly button. The full moon reflected on his bald burnt slap head. He stumbled over to us with one arm outstretched much like an extra in George A Romero's Night of the Living Dead. When he finally made it he opened with:

"Here, here, smoking? You... now c'mon...smoking! Ahhhhh now smoking...not allowed..."

Fuck right off will you? I'm not in the mood

"You telling me to fuck off? EH...Give us a fag?"

No, now will you piss of and leave us alone.

He was trying to get up off the road but the kerb was proving too much of an obstacle.

"You two aren't meant to be smoking. I know the Chief Custable you know...10 FEET from the wall...meters....feet..yes feet...ten feet"

Jesus! We went outside to get away from the loonies not to engage one in conversation. He was wobbling all over the place and barely coherent. Much like the bankers upstairs. He made one more attempt to get a fag and shuffled off shouting "ten feet..not meant to be smoking...Custable...blue moon you saw me standing alone.."

Well maybe not the blue moon bit. I'm checking my diary and will ensure I am off work for the next full moon...