Monday, 2 July 2007

Manuel and the horrible situation


table for 3...some?

I get whacky phone calls at work all the time. People ask the dumbest questions:

"Can you read me out your menu?"

"Our kids only eat KFC can we bring some in for them?"

"Do you have to book for Saturday night?"

"What soup will you be serving in 3 weeks time?"

"Can I book a car and 2 passengers for the first sailing next Saturday?" My friend used to take these bookings every so often. Just for the craic you understand.

And so on. But none tops the call I answered one Sunday morning last summer...

Hello Manuel speaking how can I help you?

Yeah.........Hello...

Hello? Can I help you? Hello?

Yeah...em...Here's what it is mate. Do yous uns have CCTV cameras in there?

CCTV Cameras?

Aye mate, CCTV Cameras. I'm nat gonna rob the place or owt. It's just...It's just that my wife....I think my wife was there last night with another man...I think she's having... (There was definitely the sound of upset in his voice)

Oh right, oh um okay. What can I do for you though sir?

Well here can I come down and see the tape from last night. Just til see if she is in wi another fella?

Ah right. Cant see that happening sir to be honest. But I tell you what I'll put you through to the manager and maybe he will let you.

Aye aye sweet mate cheers....

No problem sir.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Poor sod. The manager said no. Well not directly. He gave him the in's and out's of data protection law and the addresses of people he could contact regarding data protection. I'm sure poor little Johnny two-timed was comforted by all that.

Still stiff upper lip and all that old chap....

Of course I spread the news of my phone call like the clap in a whore house, or if you prefer like, measles in a kindergarten. We speculated as to who it might have been. Ah the fun that we have at customers and their spouses expense.

23 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Gorilla Bananas said...

You should have let him work as a waiter for no wages. Imagine the shock when he came to serve his wife and her lover! There was a scene like this in American Beauty. I think it would be good for business too.

Manuel said...

Hello Mr Gorilla Bananas, welcome and all that. It's a sweet idea and I may suggest it to the chef. I have experience in such dirty triangles, and understand the need to catch the gets at it. Hmmmmmmmm

Lee said...

Many moons ago I used to work in a public laboratory, one where anyone could bring stuff in for testing. When embarrassed looking guys holding brown paper bags came in and asked to speak to a male chemist, you knew they had their wife's knickers in the bag and they wanted us to look for tell-tale traces of sperm. Apparently they knew it would not be theirs. Sad, sad, sad.

Conortje said...

What a brilliant story. Feel sorry for the guy though. When I was working in Pennys a million years ago an American couple wanted me to try on a whole outfit they picked cause they reckoned I was the same size as their son.

A. A. Ayscoughe~Hussey said...

It might have been a kindness to inform the fellow that I f he was suffering from such mistrust, then their relationship was already over.
Father once had a gun dog that ran off with one of his beaters... He never picked up his Purdey again.

Manuel said...

Lee: sweet mother of God that is awful. So is this service expensive? How "fresh" does the underwear need to be. I am just curious you understand...

Conortje: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Did you do it? Please tell me it was a sailor suit!

A.A.Ayscoughe-Hussey: Welcome sir, Pimms? Ah I have neither the tact nor the motivation to get involved in such shenanigans. There is no standard tip amount for offering such advice/information. Heartless? Yes!

Mike said...

There used to be a youngish couple go in our local pub two or three times a week for about 2 years. Nobody thought anything of it until the girl's mother stormed in one day screaming at her to get back home to her husband and kids where she belonged. It was gossip of the week as you can imagine. Strangely they never came back in the pub after that!

Manuel said...

Mike: Mike! How you doin? Coke for you, your driving. Eek what a fun night that must have been. I thought things like that only happened in Eastenders.

Lord Milky said...

You could be the private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks if you decided to act as an informant within your restaurant. Two jobs in one place - more than double your money.

Can you dig it?

Medbh said...

I had to quit waiting tables at this one pub because I hated the boss and decided I'd had enough of lying to his wife about his cheating ass. He picked up and groped on women all the time and never even tried to be discreet. His wife was a doormat.
Sad, really.

finn said...

i smell peter greenaway.

smashing collage btw.

savannah said...

f&b...and retail...the stuff of great stories! but i have to admit, lee over there and his public lab...running a close second

Manuel said...

Lord Milky: Who says I ain't? Eh?

Medbh: Very sad but so very very true...

Finn: Ta ta

Savannah: Yes I had a right titter to myself bout that too..

Ms Robinson said...

Do you have those people who come in and order food, then disappear to the toilets to fuck each other stupid? Ms R herself has considered it but feels it would be a waste of a good meal.

Manuel said...

Ms Robinson: No not when there are smokes to be, well, smoked. You bring down their food and they are no where to be found. And then they arrive back with that lovely odour d'B&H. But then again may be they were having a quick fiddle in the toilets....

whyioughtta said...

Awww. Heart-breaking AND side-splitting. The perfect anecdote.

Medbh said...

You have mad photo-shop skills, Manuel.

Manuel said...

WIO: Other peoples pain, is there anything sweeter?

Medbh: Thank you for saying so! I prefer GIMP instead of Potatoshop.

ellie said...

Poor man, funny as fook tho :)

Fat Sparrow said...

Jeez, Manuel, you really do get all types there.

Manuel said...

Ellie: I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But you can spot the affairs in the restaurant. Annoys the hell out of me...

Fat Sparrow: Oh classy let me tell you...

Conortje said...

I did not - I ran away screaming from them. Well actually I politely informed them that the manager wouldn't approve- but I was screaming inside!

fgeegf said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網,
美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇,
日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,