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Monday 2 July 2007

Manuel and the horrible situation


table for 3...some?

I get whacky phone calls at work all the time. People ask the dumbest questions:

"Can you read me out your menu?"

"Our kids only eat KFC can we bring some in for them?"

"Do you have to book for Saturday night?"

"What soup will you be serving in 3 weeks time?"

"Can I book a car and 2 passengers for the first sailing next Saturday?" My friend used to take these bookings every so often. Just for the craic you understand.

And so on. But none tops the call I answered one Sunday morning last summer...

Hello Manuel speaking how can I help you?

Yeah.........Hello...

Hello? Can I help you? Hello?

Yeah...em...Here's what it is mate. Do yous uns have CCTV cameras in there?

CCTV Cameras?

Aye mate, CCTV Cameras. I'm nat gonna rob the place or owt. It's just...It's just that my wife....I think my wife was there last night with another man...I think she's having... (There was definitely the sound of upset in his voice)

Oh right, oh um okay. What can I do for you though sir?

Well here can I come down and see the tape from last night. Just til see if she is in wi another fella?

Ah right. Cant see that happening sir to be honest. But I tell you what I'll put you through to the manager and maybe he will let you.

Aye aye sweet mate cheers....

No problem sir.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Poor sod. The manager said no. Well not directly. He gave him the in's and out's of data protection law and the addresses of people he could contact regarding data protection. I'm sure poor little Johnny two-timed was comforted by all that.

Still stiff upper lip and all that old chap....

Of course I spread the news of my phone call like the clap in a whore house, or if you prefer like, measles in a kindergarten. We speculated as to who it might have been. Ah the fun that we have at customers and their spouses expense.

23 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Gorilla Bananas said...

You should have let him work as a waiter for no wages. Imagine the shock when he came to serve his wife and her lover! There was a scene like this in American Beauty. I think it would be good for business too.

Manuel said...

Hello Mr Gorilla Bananas, welcome and all that. It's a sweet idea and I may suggest it to the chef. I have experience in such dirty triangles, and understand the need to catch the gets at it. Hmmmmmmmm

Lee said...

Many moons ago I used to work in a public laboratory, one where anyone could bring stuff in for testing. When embarrassed looking guys holding brown paper bags came in and asked to speak to a male chemist, you knew they had their wife's knickers in the bag and they wanted us to look for tell-tale traces of sperm. Apparently they knew it would not be theirs. Sad, sad, sad.

Anonymous said...

What a brilliant story. Feel sorry for the guy though. When I was working in Pennys a million years ago an American couple wanted me to try on a whole outfit they picked cause they reckoned I was the same size as their son.

Metody Jankowiak said...

It might have been a kindness to inform the fellow that I f he was suffering from such mistrust, then their relationship was already over.
Father once had a gun dog that ran off with one of his beaters... He never picked up his Purdey again.

Manuel said...

Lee: sweet mother of God that is awful. So is this service expensive? How "fresh" does the underwear need to be. I am just curious you understand...

Conortje: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Did you do it? Please tell me it was a sailor suit!

A.A.Ayscoughe-Hussey: Welcome sir, Pimms? Ah I have neither the tact nor the motivation to get involved in such shenanigans. There is no standard tip amount for offering such advice/information. Heartless? Yes!

Mike said...

There used to be a youngish couple go in our local pub two or three times a week for about 2 years. Nobody thought anything of it until the girl's mother stormed in one day screaming at her to get back home to her husband and kids where she belonged. It was gossip of the week as you can imagine. Strangely they never came back in the pub after that!

Manuel said...

Mike: Mike! How you doin? Coke for you, your driving. Eek what a fun night that must have been. I thought things like that only happened in Eastenders.

fofufou said...

You could be the private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks if you decided to act as an informant within your restaurant. Two jobs in one place - more than double your money.

Can you dig it?

Megan McGurk said...

I had to quit waiting tables at this one pub because I hated the boss and decided I'd had enough of lying to his wife about his cheating ass. He picked up and groped on women all the time and never even tried to be discreet. His wife was a doormat.
Sad, really.

FINN said...

i smell peter greenaway.

smashing collage btw.

savannah said...

f&b...and retail...the stuff of great stories! but i have to admit, lee over there and his public lab...running a close second

Manuel said...

Lord Milky: Who says I ain't? Eh?

Medbh: Very sad but so very very true...

Finn: Ta ta

Savannah: Yes I had a right titter to myself bout that too..

Ms Robinson said...

Do you have those people who come in and order food, then disappear to the toilets to fuck each other stupid? Ms R herself has considered it but feels it would be a waste of a good meal.

Manuel said...

Ms Robinson: No not when there are smokes to be, well, smoked. You bring down their food and they are no where to be found. And then they arrive back with that lovely odour d'B&H. But then again may be they were having a quick fiddle in the toilets....

whyioughtta said...

Awww. Heart-breaking AND side-splitting. The perfect anecdote.

Megan McGurk said...

You have mad photo-shop skills, Manuel.

Manuel said...

WIO: Other peoples pain, is there anything sweeter?

Medbh: Thank you for saying so! I prefer GIMP instead of Potatoshop.

ellie said...

Poor man, funny as fook tho :)

Fat Sparrow said...

Jeez, Manuel, you really do get all types there.

Manuel said...

Ellie: I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But you can spot the affairs in the restaurant. Annoys the hell out of me...

Fat Sparrow: Oh classy let me tell you...

Anonymous said...

I did not - I ran away screaming from them. Well actually I politely informed them that the manager wouldn't approve- but I was screaming inside!

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