Where the hell are the people from Health and Safety?

eh um er

can I get a shake to go....

In the long before time (about 5 years ago) I used to be the manager of a coffee shop. In many respects it was a joyous place and a joyous time, I could play the music that I liked, service was easy, and the coffee was great. The guy that owned the place was a mentalist of massive proportions. He was a great big fan of the Bolivian Marching Powder and this could have positive and negative effects on him, and more importantly, me. His mood could change a hundred times an hour. One minute he was laughing and coming up with ridiculous drinks, the worst being the mint tea cappuccino abomination, the next he would be throwing people out the moment they finished their drink. He once gave a lifetime ban to a 6 month old child and by implication the child's mother. Honestly the child got barred first then the mother. Very funny at the time, in fact it is still funny now.

You never quite knew where you stood with him, he was as paranoid as Joe McCarthy and as strung out as Pete Doherty, which made me paranoid. You would get to work at 4 to find the staff practically in tears as he played the same bloody song over and over again for an hour. But he was generous to a fault, he would close up for no reason and take everyone to the bar, he would lend you money and never ask for it back, and he was a bit of a genius when it came to new ideas, mint tea cappuccino's aside. Happy days, strung out, but happy days. But by the end I wanted to fire bomb the place...

Anyway that's not the point of this post. As I said I was the manager of this coffee shop. It was like being the one sane person in the asylum. The staff would look to the owner when I was going off about time keeping or being stoned at work or the state of their clothes. He would tell me to chill which wound me up. The next day he would have a go at me for the state of the staff! There was no uniform as such but jeans and black t-shirt were what was expected. But this was very loosely interpreted by the staff. This wasn't really a problem as long as it was tidy. Some of the girls interpreted it very very loosely, jeans hung low on the waist, vest tops that made me blush, and flip flop shoes (I think you kids call em thongs in the States). The revealing tops and g-string exposing jeans weren't my problem but the shoes were.

Those fun time kids from the Health and Safety department from Belfast City Council always got very sweaty about open toed shoes. And it makes sense, hot milk and water gets spilled on a regular basis behind the counter of a coffee shop. But would the ladies listen to me? No, no they fucking didn't. I was on at them all the time about it. They would just turn to the boss and he would tell them it was okay. He as a fan of the half dressed barista, female barista that is. Time after time I would arrive to work to find that he had hired another stunning beauty from some piss poor Balkan State. It mattered not a jot to him if they had any experience or even if the could speak English. As long as they looked hot it was all that mattered. Good grief we even had a reputation for it! Every so often I had to sack a few of them behind his back. It became the cull of the pretty'.

giddy up?
what the fuck?

So you can imagine my shock and disbelief the other night when I was searching the internet for pictures of baristas [insert guffawing remark here] when I came across Cowgirls Espresso! Cowgirls Espresso is a coffee kiosk chain who's baristas wear, well they wear very little! What would Belfast City Council's Health and Safety department make of these ladies in their heels and bikinis? Seriously what the fuck is that all about? Is this 1971? Is this all we can come up with to sell more coffee? And political objections aside coffee machines are nasty snarling pieces of kit that spray hot jets of water at you for no reason. It just doesn't make any sense! God my previous boss would have loved that franchise! And they aren't the only ones using sex to sell coffee, if the ladies of Cowgirls Espresso don't froth your latte (genius) then you could try Moka Girls or Bikini Espresso (after a LOT of searching they don't appear to have an internet presence) or The Sweet Spot or Natte Latte.

Cowgirls Espresso have theme nights, Military Monday, Cow Girl Tuesday, Bikini Wednesday, Pedophile Thursday sorry that's not right I mean School Girl Thursday, and Fantasy Friday. No mention of what happens at the weekend, maybe Germaine Greer Saturday and dress up Sunday? Hey I'm not criticising a woman's chosen career but this seems to me to be right out of the town, if not the time, of Bedrock. And honestly if they don't catch a cold they will burn their toesies! It's all a bit icky....

Manuel approved
sensible shoes....