Subscribe...

Thursday 13 December 2007

Furniture Shop Opens, people lose minds

Ikea the Swedish furniture store/middle-class fairground opens today in Belfast and people are losing their minds. Literally people are going bonkers. I swear my own neighbours are burning their furniture just so that they can go and get some new stuff. South Belfast is drowning in Ikea catalogues, well thumbed Ikea catalogues. It's all the good people of Belfast can talk about. And it's not like we don't have any furniture shops already. You would think we were sitting on up turned boxes and beer crates and sleeping on top of our coats and putting our pens into beer cans and our rubbish into plastic bags and using candles for light. (I've never done any of those things ever....ever)

CALM DOWN DEAR!

It's just a furniture shop. Yes their stuff is nice. Yes it's well priced. But for fuck sake it's just a shop. It wont make you look smarter/sexier/sophisticated. It really wont increase the value of your house or make you a better lover. It's just a furniture shop. Even the police are getting in on the crazy vibe. The cops are gearing up in the same way they did when GW Bush paid us a visit. The news is full of stern looking coppers with sober advice on how best to make the journey to the land of Swedish Sofa Dreams. It should be added that some of the cops have nice suntans too. Ikea paid for three of them to go to a new store opening in Spain to help with their planning. Good grief.

Now I know Ikea openings can be part riot part suicide cult rally but this is Belfast, we are meant to be disparaging about new things. We are meant to be full of apathy and a "I don't give a fuck" attitude. I blame Clinton's visit, we've all been far too happy since then. I miss our lovely cynicism. I will be shocked and embarrassed if it turns out like the new store opening in North London were 5 people ended up in hospital following a crush as people tried to get into the store. Then of course there was the new store opening in Saudi Arabia were 3 people were killed in a similar crush. Now I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for these people. It's a FUCKING FURNITURE SHOP!!!! Dying for a political cause is one thing but dying because you wanted to be first into a big warehouse full of sofas and bean bags is just bloody daft.

And you have to put the stuff together yourself! Gimme a break.

and you definitely shouldn't go on Sunday afternoon either, I have things to be doing and don't want to be there all afternoon cough cough.........and I'm gonna miss the match!

not a map
instructions for Ektrop sofa!

24 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Niall said...

its belfast, there is little to be expected really. glad u liked the bebo. join up, say hi

Angela-la-la said...

I call my dog Ikeamutt cos she's absolutely huge but manages to curl up into little more than a flat pack when she sleeps.

Luckily, I've managed to keep the kids away from the Allen keys.

ps

Darling, it's lose. People lose their minds and let loose their stays.

Much love,
pedantic bitch xx

Upset Waitress said...

He spelled it wrong on purpose I bet. He's funny like that.

Manuel said...

Niall: Not a chance....it's all very.....well it's all quite strange....The boss has a page.....you should search for that...hehehehe

Angelalala: I've no idea what your on about...[quick edit] storms of with red face....

Upseto: yeah yeah yeah

Megan McGurk said...

We have 2 that I know of for sure and there may even be a 3rd, Manuel. I have a mini panic attack when we go and I have to focus on breathing and making sure I know where the exits are.
The pain is that you can't tell what everything is by the package, like when I thought I bought shower curtain hooks and it was actually an ugly collection of closet hooks.
Steel your nerves and you should be fine.

Manuel said...

Medbh: I'm bringing a packed lunch.....I'd say we will be sitting in traffic for quite a while.....

Karen said...

We had the same thing happen here when they opened an IKEA. Whats up with that? I don't get the whole shopping thing at the best of times but I sure as hell aint prepared to die for something I have to construct myself. I want it already put together and delivered by big burly delivery men with nice smiles and bulging muscles....sorry, forgot where I was for a sec.

The Mistress said...

Does it have a "ball room" filled with hundreds of colourful plastic balls for the children to jump and play in?

That can't be sanitary, all those little buggers sneezing with their snotty noses all over the balls and the wee ones wetting themselves in there.

I'll bet once you see it you'll want to hop into it though.

Jenny said...

I'm not allowed there anymore. It was probably the near panic attack I had after attempting to go near during one their big sales.

But I hear the swedish meat balls are to die for.

Dea said...

Bloody crazy! They do have a website methinks??? I'll stay here and shop from the sofa thank you! Course the husband wants to get in the car with the kids and head up. Bloody nutter!

Anonymous said...

arsed couldn't assembling be anything

Anonymous said...

It's going to snarl up the Sydenham bypass for days. Probably right through town and on to the M2 and Westlink as well I'd imagine. I'd avoid it until February. Of course, with the money you're earning this weather you could helicopter in.

Caro said...

I feel sorry for anyone trying to get to the airport (it is on the way to the airport, right?)

It doesn't make you a better lover? Well that was a waste of time then...

fatmammycat said...

Ikea's terrific if you go there on a very early on a Wednesday morning in April, other than that avoid avoid avoid.

nick said...

As Deborah suggests, isn't the whole personal shopping and fighting through battalions of sweaty proles just so last century? Internet shopping from your own gaff, isn't that much more congenial? Not that I would ever set foot in IKEA of course - apart from the soulless furniture, I couldn't be arsed with the assembly bollocks either. I mean, do restaurants ask me to assemble my own plate of risotto? I think not.

Anonymous said...

Manuel, if you ever get fed up in your job, you could always apply to work in their 500 seater cafe.
*cough* I mean restaurant.

Native Minnow said...

I've never been inside an IKEA store, nor have I purchased anything from them online. I'm not quite sure what the craze is all about. Maybe it's one of those "don't knock it 'til you try it" things.

INNER VOICES said...

ikea is crap. crap. crap. particle board, balsa and made in china. its cheap, cheaply made. any monkey can assemble some furniture, even with their misdirections. dont get sucked into the hype. buy REAL furniture that will last!!! dont do it!

Mudflapgypsy said...

IKEA, eh? Every country exports their crap and keeps the good stuff for themselves, mostly.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to have the same furniture as everyone else.

Where do I sign?

Mr. DNA said...

The one near me has a snack bar that sells a hotdog, a bag of chips, and a soda for $1.50 US dollars. For the after shopping experience.

I mean, I heard they did. Not that I would ever eat food from a furniture store.
Why would I do that? Oh yeah, I'm poor.

Anonymous said...

I've never liked IKEA furniture...too square-looking and devoid of personality for my taste. I wouldn't even use their stuff to furnish an office.

The masses can shop for manufactured, cookie-cutter furniture. I'll choose to salvage my individuality, thanks.

Manuel said...

thunder me old chum I couldn't agree more......

Anonymous said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網,
美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇,
日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,