Thursday, 13 December 2007

Furniture Shop Opens, people lose minds

Ikea the Swedish furniture store/middle-class fairground opens today in Belfast and people are losing their minds. Literally people are going bonkers. I swear my own neighbours are burning their furniture just so that they can go and get some new stuff. South Belfast is drowning in Ikea catalogues, well thumbed Ikea catalogues. It's all the good people of Belfast can talk about. And it's not like we don't have any furniture shops already. You would think we were sitting on up turned boxes and beer crates and sleeping on top of our coats and putting our pens into beer cans and our rubbish into plastic bags and using candles for light. (I've never done any of those things ever....ever)

CALM DOWN DEAR!

It's just a furniture shop. Yes their stuff is nice. Yes it's well priced. But for fuck sake it's just a shop. It wont make you look smarter/sexier/sophisticated. It really wont increase the value of your house or make you a better lover. It's just a furniture shop. Even the police are getting in on the crazy vibe. The cops are gearing up in the same way they did when GW Bush paid us a visit. The news is full of stern looking coppers with sober advice on how best to make the journey to the land of Swedish Sofa Dreams. It should be added that some of the cops have nice suntans too. Ikea paid for three of them to go to a new store opening in Spain to help with their planning. Good grief.

Now I know Ikea openings can be part riot part suicide cult rally but this is Belfast, we are meant to be disparaging about new things. We are meant to be full of apathy and a "I don't give a fuck" attitude. I blame Clinton's visit, we've all been far too happy since then. I miss our lovely cynicism. I will be shocked and embarrassed if it turns out like the new store opening in North London were 5 people ended up in hospital following a crush as people tried to get into the store. Then of course there was the new store opening in Saudi Arabia were 3 people were killed in a similar crush. Now I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for these people. It's a FUCKING FURNITURE SHOP!!!! Dying for a political cause is one thing but dying because you wanted to be first into a big warehouse full of sofas and bean bags is just bloody daft.

And you have to put the stuff together yourself! Gimme a break.

and you definitely shouldn't go on Sunday afternoon either, I have things to be doing and don't want to be there all afternoon cough cough.........and I'm gonna miss the match!

not a map
instructions for Ektrop sofa!

25 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Niall said...

its belfast, there is little to be expected really. glad u liked the bebo. join up, say hi

Angela-la-la said...

I call my dog Ikeamutt cos she's absolutely huge but manages to curl up into little more than a flat pack when she sleeps.

Luckily, I've managed to keep the kids away from the Allen keys.

ps

Darling, it's lose. People lose their minds and let loose their stays.

Much love,
pedantic bitch xx

Upset Waitress said...

He spelled it wrong on purpose I bet. He's funny like that.

Manuel said...

Niall: Not a chance....it's all very.....well it's all quite strange....The boss has a page.....you should search for that...hehehehe

Angelalala: I've no idea what your on about...[quick edit] storms of with red face....

Upseto: yeah yeah yeah

Medbh said...

We have 2 that I know of for sure and there may even be a 3rd, Manuel. I have a mini panic attack when we go and I have to focus on breathing and making sure I know where the exits are.
The pain is that you can't tell what everything is by the package, like when I thought I bought shower curtain hooks and it was actually an ugly collection of closet hooks.
Steel your nerves and you should be fine.

Manuel said...

Medbh: I'm bringing a packed lunch.....I'd say we will be sitting in traffic for quite a while.....

Gypsy said...

We had the same thing happen here when they opened an IKEA. Whats up with that? I don't get the whole shopping thing at the best of times but I sure as hell aint prepared to die for something I have to construct myself. I want it already put together and delivered by big burly delivery men with nice smiles and bulging muscles....sorry, forgot where I was for a sec.

MJ said...

Does it have a "ball room" filled with hundreds of colourful plastic balls for the children to jump and play in?

That can't be sanitary, all those little buggers sneezing with their snotty noses all over the balls and the wee ones wetting themselves in there.

I'll bet once you see it you'll want to hop into it though.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I'm not allowed there anymore. It was probably the near panic attack I had after attempting to go near during one their big sales.

But I hear the swedish meat balls are to die for.

Deborah said...

Bloody crazy! They do have a website methinks??? I'll stay here and shop from the sofa thank you! Course the husband wants to get in the car with the kids and head up. Bloody nutter!

sheepworrier said...

arsed couldn't assembling be anything

bendersbetterbrother said...

It's going to snarl up the Sydenham bypass for days. Probably right through town and on to the M2 and Westlink as well I'd imagine. I'd avoid it until February. Of course, with the money you're earning this weather you could helicopter in.

Caro said...

I feel sorry for anyone trying to get to the airport (it is on the way to the airport, right?)

It doesn't make you a better lover? Well that was a waste of time then...

fatmammycat said...

Ikea's terrific if you go there on a very early on a Wednesday morning in April, other than that avoid avoid avoid.

nick said...

As Deborah suggests, isn't the whole personal shopping and fighting through battalions of sweaty proles just so last century? Internet shopping from your own gaff, isn't that much more congenial? Not that I would ever set foot in IKEA of course - apart from the soulless furniture, I couldn't be arsed with the assembly bollocks either. I mean, do restaurants ask me to assemble my own plate of risotto? I think not.

dave said...

Manuel, if you ever get fed up in your job, you could always apply to work in their 500 seater cafe.
*cough* I mean restaurant.

Native Minnow said...

I've never been inside an IKEA store, nor have I purchased anything from them online. I'm not quite sure what the craze is all about. Maybe it's one of those "don't knock it 'til you try it" things.

INNER VOICES said...

ikea is crap. crap. crap. particle board, balsa and made in china. its cheap, cheaply made. any monkey can assemble some furniture, even with their misdirections. dont get sucked into the hype. buy REAL furniture that will last!!! dont do it!

Mudflapgypsy said...

IKEA, eh? Every country exports their crap and keeps the good stuff for themselves, mostly.

OneForTheRoad said...

I can't wait to have the same furniture as everyone else.

Where do I sign?

Mr. DNA said...

The one near me has a snack bar that sells a hotdog, a bag of chips, and a soda for $1.50 US dollars. For the after shopping experience.

I mean, I heard they did. Not that I would ever eat food from a furniture store.
Why would I do that? Oh yeah, I'm poor.

wutthi said...

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Thunder Brainstorm said...

I've never liked IKEA furniture...too square-looking and devoid of personality for my taste. I wouldn't even use their stuff to furnish an office.

The masses can shop for manufactured, cookie-cutter furniture. I'll choose to salvage my individuality, thanks.

Manuel said...

thunder me old chum I couldn't agree more......

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