Wednesday, 8 April 2009

The Mapping of the Waiter's Brain...

The scientific team here at Well Done Fillet have, without a doubt, just completed their most important work to date, The Mapping of the Waiter's Brain. Inspired partly by the mapping of a Cat's Brain and partly by the cruel and snide remarks of chefs and managers that all waiters ever think about is tips, our crack team of scientists spent untold minutes scanning and cataloguing the medulla oblongata of about 25 waiters. They were lured here with the promise of 15% wine, a hot meal and £15.00 in cash. The results were startling....


you really will need to clicky to make biggy....

Professor Hans Thatdodishes noted,
"Whilst tips do clearly form the central basis of the average waiter's brain we can see that there are many other lobes, glands and cortexes all playing a vital part in making waiters the fun and lovable scamps they are. And if we only knew how to remove the "you guys" blockage then maybe just maybe the world of waiting, restaurants and dining out in general would be a much more wholesome and pleasant experience. But we don't so "You guys", will just have to deal with it. Also the "cortex of nagging regret" is suppressed at all times with a cocktail of wine, whiskey and tax free loot. The short fuse is most likely to be blown when parties arrive late, usually within the last half hour of service, and state that they wish to have some,"late supper". This can lead to much swearing and an almost complete closing of the Commitment Spot. The short fuse can also be triggered by tardiness, poor tipping, rudeness, drunk chefs, drunk with power managers actually the list was infinite."

Thank you Professor Hans Thatdodishes! Your work is vital and one day will be rewarded with the Nobel Prize (once we get that little Korean difficulty sorted eh). The professor has already started work on his next project, The Mapping of a Guest's Brain. He is looking for volunteers who will work for a £6.95 voucher for a one course dinner, free dessert coupon and the change in his pocket. Already there are 15,000 applicants. Work on the mapping of a Chef's Brain will start after that. [You can insert your own joke here]

29 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

ninetyninewords said...

I notice there's no part for being able to describe what's on the menu. That explains a lot.

Manuel said...

99 words: pfft......we don't need our brains for that....we just read out what you have just read from the menu....seriously

ninetyninewords said...

...whilst correcting the pronunciation in a condescending manner. I know.

Manuel said...

99 words: yes......yes...it;s one of the things I most love doing....the smarm/sarcasm switch is very finely tuned.....

savannah said...

i am humbled, sugar...absolutely humbled xoxox

Manuel said...

savannah: humbled.....oh my...

wendy said...

I think my grin-fuck neo-cortex is a bit bigger than that. Perhaps my obsessive compulsive gland is smaller since I don't give a shit if its straight.

Yes, I'm sure that's it.

Manuel said...

wendy: but apart from that we're the same then eh?

wendy said...

Yes, I'd have to say, besides that, we are the same in the brain. Physically..I sincerely hope not. No offense.

Manuel said...

wendy: spooky...

Medbh said...

The grin fuck neo cortex made me spit out my tea. Lovely!
I was also looking for the stabbing fork reflex.
Hee.

Manuel said...

medbh: the grin fuck neo cortex was named with you in mind...! stabbing fork reflex...damn that's good

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

This was well done. I think as time goes on there is a numbness that takes place and the grin fuck neo cortex and sarcasm begins to overtake everything except the tip part. Then the other stuff is replaced with the don't give a fuck anymore part of the cerebellum that can affect your hearing and speech. After that sets in , the only time you can regain consciousness is when you receive a half decent tip. If that doesn't happen the don't give a fuck anymore can develop rapidly and cause the regret lobe to swell causing you to remember your school days when you should have studied a bit harder and finish that college course you dropped out of. The only saving grace is a good tip thereafter...

belfast Plate Carrier said...

I have already started to save the Tele's vouchers, so I can come down and watch you sweat. Oh and I made it to the Barking Dog on monday, and I have to say the Pork Belly Bites were properly jackson

sassysundry said...

You could look at my brain for coffee.

daisyfae said...

surprised not to see a "gotta get a smoke break obsession gland" somewhere...

sugarpie said...

Swiss neurosurgeons have recently discoverd the infamous "You Guys" blockage only occurs after a half tumbler of pilfered Grand Marnier/tequila (40/60 mix) has been poured down the gullet of above mentioned on-duty waiter.

MJ said...

I volunteer.

I feel entitled to a free lunch.

Red Leeroy said...

what about the "you stole my bottle opener suspicious" cortex ?

Manuel said...

steve: yes..hahahaha.....the hearing can go at the funniest of times ....

bpc: you loves it eh? you like the thought of me sweating eh? dirty bugger...

sassy: awh....

daisy: we don't play like that anymore.....there is a small pear love glad but it;s so small it was pointless


sugarpie: welcome! bwahahahaha quality

mj: oh no, no no no no....I\m not going anywhere near your brain......

red: that's a short fuse issue....

Conan Drumm said...

I don't think you've made the Tipothalamus near big enough, or is it the Tipuitary?

Manuel said...

conan: ah you mean the "entitlement land"....it grows during the month and takes over the brain as the waiter runs out of money.....

The Cousin said...

'Professor Hans Thatdodishes'

Well done.

Manuel said...

The Cousin: ha, have you met his assistant? Canfeelassoftasyourface? She's Polish....

Jill said...

The grin fuck neo cortex? Bank clerks have those too! For reals!

Manuel said...

jill: bank clerk eh? You kids also have that,"don't statre at me whilst I'm counting gland" too......

Killer said...

how big is your commitment spot

waxydan said...

No mention of the temporal difficulties caused by the "no, no, it'll just be a five minute wait for table" gland?

Manuel said...

killer: depends.....really does......I'm like a cat in that respect

waxy: one thing i am very good at and insist upon is having tables ready for bookings at the time they are booked for.....you will never ever wait for a table if you have one booked in my restaurant.....even if it means I have to chuck the previous occupants out....