"There ain't no such thing as a free lunch"...oh really?

"There ain't no such thing as a free lunch" was a phrase popularized by the sci-fi writer Robert A. Heinlein. Now I know nothing about the man except for that one fact but I will wager he never worked a split shift on a Friday in a restaurant in Belfast. Because if he had he would have indeed discovered that there is such a thing as a free lunch and quite possibly dinner too and even a voucher or forty for the next visit.

If he was to work such a wonderful and fun shift he would have to agree that his initial statement was indeed incorrect unless followed up quickly with the following stipend, "unless of course the waiter drips a teeny weeny drip of water or wine or gravy on your table or Gordon forbid the kitchen chaps are ever so slightly slow getting the food from the kitchen to your fat tum tum. Then your lunch is free." Not quite as catchy but accurate.

It's a fucking shameful state of affairs.

"Me wants free stuff!!", they cry, sometimes literally, as the food falls from their mouth as they maybe waited a fraction of a minute longer than they probably should have to get their coffees. Even the most slightest of quibbles, criticisms, or pea in it's pod out of place, perceived or otherwise, is liable to produce an avaricious response from even your most unassuming of guests.

There appears to be no such thing as an accident or genuine mistake anymore. Well actually there are plenty of accidents and genuine mistakes, it's just the reaction to them that has changed. It's all, "Woe is me" and my day/night/brand new never been worn before made in the mountains of Lithuania by blind monks and costs more than you'll ever earn in your life time Mr Waiterman sweater is ruined. It's funny, not funny ha ha I should add, that in nearly twenty years of active service as a front line plate schlepper I have yet to spill, or even heard about a spill, that landed on a regular everyday shirt purchased from The Gap or Next or Gord damned Primark. It's always Armani or Gucci or one of those fellas.

I lived in the countryside and I know what bullshit smells like and it sometimes smells of red wine and cheap aftershave.

I spilled wine on a woman on night, a teacher as it happens, and she went gaga, ballistic, off the deep end. Now it was an accident and she had every right to be upset and annoyed. I was upset and annoyed too but at least I wasn't honking of cheap Cabernet Sauvignon. But yes she had every right to be be absolutely pissed with me. She calmed down after a couple of minutes when she realised that there was only a tiny bit of red wine on her sleeve. I tidied up her table and reset it and made everything all lovely again. I issued her with a new bottle of wine. I got her details and told her to bill us for the dry cleaning. I assured her that we would comp the bill for HER food. She was pleased and all seemed well.

But when I went back to the table a moment later she had changed her mind and was insisting that we furnish her table of 30 with free wine and as well as her food being comped she wanted a further discount on the entire bill. I chortled at the mere suggestion of it and got the manager who found the whole situation less chortley than I. She was firmly told that under no circumstances would she be getting any more wine or discount. She puffed out her cheeks and as casually as you like said, "Heh...it was worth a try."

And it's that attitude that irks me the most, the get the arm in attitude. It sucks and it is just another manifestation of the, "fuck you, you owe me" culture, the "where there's blame their a claim" culture. Yes you are within your rights to make a fuss and be annoyed if things go horribly wrong but you are entitled to the deeds of the restaurant and the first new born of the head chef, not that would really want that, nor does the waiter have to wear sack cloth and ashes for the rest of the service.

It's annoying that those who make the biggest and loudest fuss will always be compensated the best for any error on our behalf no matter if it's genuine or not just to shut them the fuck up. But those who just push their plate away and say little or nothing get exactly that, little or nothing. Well no more, I will fight for the meek, the quiet and the genuine. Not for the brassy, loud and vulgar sorts that mess themselves at the teeniest sight of blood on their steak or drop of gravy on their brown shirt.

Society is in a mess and it's thanks, in part, to the subscribers to the "fuck you, you owe me" culture. Meh.

And before you ask, yes it is lonely up here on my high horse. Now I must gallop off, there's a certain broadband supplier that owes me for two days down time.

Wonder what I can nail them for..........