Friday, 14 March 2008

Another fishy tail......

I have a terrible feeling of foreboding with regard to the next few days.
St Patrick's Day weekend is always a "lively" one.

With that in mind I hoped that Thursday night would be the calm before the green tinged storm. I didn't mind that it was busy I just wanted an idiot free night.

Oh well we can dream.....

"Yeah you know what I'd love?" said the very tactile, but not in an annoying way, woman. She gripped my arm as she spoke. If she had twisted it in even the slightest way it would have been a very sore Chinese burn. And probably have given me a flashback to my childhood. There could have been tears.

"No madam I have no idea what you'd love." I replied as I tried to free my arm from her death grip. Her other arm was waving about. I think she was actually trying to conjure up her most favourite meal, like a magician would.

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH" She said

"Yes?" I said

"I'd really really love some, oh what-dya-call-it......." The suspense, and her hand, was gripping.

".....I'd love some snapper!" and at that she released my arm and the blood began to flow again.

"Snapper?"

"Oh yeah some lovely fresh snapper with wok fried veggies."

"Oh that does sound lovely......" I agreed

"Doesn't it?" she chimed

"Yeah it really does, but we don't do it." I said in a very stern voice trying to put an end to this fucking charade.

"You don't do it?"

"NO we don't do it"

We haven't served snapper in over five years. I wouldn't mind but she had clearly looked at the menu for a good ten minutes before I approached her to see if she wanted to order. She was crest fallen. I rhymed off our fish options, all now served with a side dish of your choice. So she ordered a sirloin. For fuck sake!!

I get this all the time. People ask for things that aren't on the menu. If someone wants chicken, for example, done in a particular way we try to accommodate them if we have the time and more importantly the will. We always have chicken on the menu, ergo we always have chicken in the fridge. You cant go about asking for snapper or lobster or deep fried fairies. We don't keep random stock lying about just in case someone fancies something different. Anyway fairies aren't in season until the Autumn.

But it didn't end there.

This guy was in tonight, an hour late and with more Eastern European men all wanting Bish Visky every two minutes. They were actually good craic and ate like champions. But as with their last visit only the Scruffy Frenchman could speak English so all orders went through him. As I returned to the table to get their sweet order I found Scruffy telling them that strawberries and ice cream is "magnifique". And I agree. Just a fucking pity we don't serve it! They got rhubarb crumble and custard instead. I walked of as he tried to explain custard to his 9 non-English speaking chums. There's a challenge.

Good grief people just read the menu and pick something! If you want to write your own menu, open your own restaurant.

25 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

And they never ask what YOU want do they, Manuel?
You are their waiter, not their genie to grant wishes.
Sheesh.

Manuel said...

medbh: some of them rub me like a genie....

witchypoo said...

I say deep fry all the fairies and freeze them for later.

Manuel said...

witchypoo: well if we are gonna do that we'll have to do the goblins too

Quickroute said...

Agreed the locals who can't follow the menu are a pain in the arse but let me know when you're going to Poland so I can be there when you order from the non English menu! - I now I bustin' yer balls, but someones got to!

MJ said...

I'd like a kebab and Knudsen will have the fish taco.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Knudsen has been asking for those all day.

And, if someone wants snapper and it's not on the menu do you know where they should go?

Home. And cook it themselves.

Old Knudsen said...

Ok I need to get a network of bloggers that tell me when people are slagging me off. MJ and the boxer need to get a room. As for Snapper, I had a dog named 'Snapper' thanks for reminding me you cont, here give me a paper cut and pour lemon into it.

Primal Sneeze said...

Isn't there a fairy farm in Fermanagh? Okay, farmed fairy is forced fairy as my granny always said, and never as tasty as freerange fairy, but wouldn't it do out of season?

dave said...

I want beans sur la toast. With those little things in the tin they call sausages.

Do you keep them stocked?

Manuel said...

quickie: yes but it was the one guy that speaks/reads English that just decided he wanted strawberries! Pfft.....

mj: hehehehehehehe

boxer: thought you were gonna say something rude....

old k: please sir I'll do it!!

primal: yes but they are limp and colourless......bwahahahahaha

dave: haute cuisine a la Lisburn?

Nick said...

Mmmm, deep-fried fairies, my favourite. With elf souffle and goblin sauce of course. Oh damn, just remembered, I'm vegetarian. Oh well, how about the fairy dust soup? And this soup spoon's filthy, can I have a cleaner one? What do you mean, the restaurant's just closed?

Manuel said...

nick: get out get out GET OUT!

fatmammycat said...

Do you ever get fed up of people putting their hands on you darling? It seems in a lot of your posts that you get rather manhandled a lot. If that was me I'd be VERY cross, but you seem to be far more patient. Does it annoy you?

englishmum said...

Speaking as one who is rather touchy feely (I can't help it, I just touch as I talk), I think you need to be open to the fact that if someone winces you'd probably best remove yer hand. And squeezing, and/or holding on is a definite no no. Oh, and boobs and other bits like that are probably best avoided. Oh and deep fried fairies...droool x

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

If it came to pudding wars, rhubarb crumble and custard would so blow strawberries and ice-cream out of the bowl. It would be ugly, but worth it in the name of spreading rhubocracy.

Deborah said...

But did he tip this time?

And who the fuck describes ice-cream and strawberries as magnificent? WTF? It's ice-cream and strawberries fer fucks sake. I'm with Sam.

Ali said...

I don't often order deep fried fairies, it takes too much work for so little meat. And then you have to pick the wings out of your teeth afterward.

jen said...

Gotta watch out for those GMO fairies too. No telling what those will do to your insides.

Good luck with the weekend ahead :-)

Native Minnow said...

All I could think of was the scene from UHF where they've created the game show 'Wheel of Fish'

Host: Ooh. Red Snapper. Verrry tasty.

Mr. DNA said...

Oh yeah! I'll have the deep fried fairies.
But can I get them steamed instead of fried?

Red Snapper. It always make me think of Led Zepplin.

nursemyra said...

it's autumn here in Oz. do you think any of our restaurants do deep fried fairies?

Manuel said...

fmc: never.......more touching not less! But then again it all depends on who's touching me and where they are doing it.....

englishmum: I didn't wince, I grimaced, which is much more manly.....

sam: rhubocracy! brilliant

deborah: service charge and then some more. Legend! Oh me too, the crumble is fantastic

ali: try them with some creme fraiche.....mmmmmmmfairy

jen: cheers jen....

minnow: dunno it.....

mr dna: always makes me think of lady bits

nursemyra: should be in season! but you have to believe......

Blondefabulous said...

Kinda reminds me of the old (shudder) Run DMC song here in the States where the guy goes into a KFC and asks the woman behind the counter if he is in said Kentucky Fried Chicken. When it is confirmed that the gentleman is indeed in KFC, The guy say, I'll take a small fry, Big Mac!

They be illin'.

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