Customers - you wouldn't let them in your house...

Following on from yesterday's list of waiter types

Here are the first 12 of a list of restaurant customer types that will probably never ever be completed, much like painting the Golden Gate Bridge....

the nervous puppy

eh eh eh can I get a soup.....

The Texan - immediately takes "ownership" of the table. Pushes the cutlery, glasses, menus, candle out of the way and pushes his seat back so as to block the floor for anyone else. If his next move was to plonk his todger on the table, beat his chest and roar "I'm here! Feed me!" you wouldn't be surprised.

The Entitlement Dingleberry - starts the tip-o-meter the moment they arrive. Sometimes they let you know that the meter is running, sometimes they keep it to themselves but in their heads they are singing, "Dance little monkey waiter man, dance!" It's just their way of stiffing you on your tip.

The Mmmmmmm - cant make a decision to save themselves, soup or salad, soup or salad, soup or salad....it becomes like a spiritual mantra. You find yourself humming yourself to sleep with it hours later.

The Chairman of the Board - nobody else is allowed to speak directly to the waiter. Any and all decisions regarding the food, wine, toilet break, tips are all controlled by this one individual. Sometimes I like to ignore them and sneak down to the other end of the table and see if they want dessert or a poking stick.

The Tony Two Times - repeats everything I say to their guest. Repeats everything I say to their guest. Repeats everything I say to their guest. It gets very annoying, it's as if they have to translate for them. I ask if they want wine, Tony Two-Times says, "He wants to know who wants wine?" They fucking know that Tony, they're not bloody deaf. Pisses me off, I say it pisses me off.

The Primary School Teacher - speaks to every waiter like it is the first time they have waited tables. Very slow, very concise, and watches you like a cop on stakeout as you take their order down. God forbid you don't need to use an order pad, this freaks them right out, they cant cope with the near anarchy of not using an order pad. "Dude it's one bottle of wine, I'm not going to forget it in the 60 seconds it's gonna take to get it and serve it."

The Nervous Puppy - permanently frightened even terrified of the waiter. They panic at the slightest question and you can actually see their heart pumping like goodo through their shirt, in much the same way as a bunny does when you lift it. I wanna hug them and tell them it's all gonna be okay. But I don't, obviously.

ME ME ME - they don't see you, they don't hear you, you are invisible to them. Is that right? Two can play at that game matey.

Bed Wetters - allergic to everything! Does the sauce have cream in it? Does the chowder have shellfish in it? Are there peas in the soup? Have you any soy milk? Go fuck yourself! Stay home, drink soy, eat grass and leave me alone!

The Coupon Cutter - coupon/discount carriers are the worst, the lowest of the low, a waste of a good table. They have an idea in their head what the card entitles them to, but they never read the small print, and I'm always happy to point it out to them. Seriously, discount cards lead to more fights and arguments than anything else. And they get paranoid that they are getting less because they have a discount card. They don't get less, they get mocked.

God Botherers - Hi can I get you a drink? "Oh we don't drink, we'll have 2 cokes" Ok, so when was coke reclassified as something other than a drink? Fuck right off and you can keep your pamphlet, I can't be saved.

The Goldilocks - they aren't too hot, they aren't too cold, they are just right.......just not enough of them!