Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Customers - you wouldn't let them in your house...

Following on from yesterday's list of waiter types

Here are the first 12 of a list of restaurant customer types that will probably never ever be completed, much like painting the Golden Gate Bridge....
the nervous puppy
eh eh eh can I get a soup.....

The Texan - immediately takes "ownership" of the table. Pushes the cutlery, glasses, menus, candle out of the way and pushes his seat back so as to block the floor for anyone else. If his next move was to plonk his todger on the table, beat his chest and roar "I'm here! Feed me!" you wouldn't be surprised.

The Entitlement Dingleberry - starts the tip-o-meter the moment they arrive. Sometimes they let you know that the meter is running, sometimes they keep it to themselves but in their heads they are singing, "Dance little monkey waiter man, dance!" It's just their way of stiffing you on your tip.

The Mmmmmmm - cant make a decision to save themselves, soup or salad, soup or salad, soup or salad....it becomes like a spiritual mantra. You find yourself humming yourself to sleep with it hours later.

The Chairman of the Board - nobody else is allowed to speak directly to the waiter. Any and all decisions regarding the food, wine, toilet break, tips are all controlled by this one individual. Sometimes I like to ignore them and sneak down to the other end of the table and see if they want dessert or a poking stick.

The Tony Two Times - repeats everything I say to their guest. Repeats everything I say to their guest. Repeats everything I say to their guest. It gets very annoying, it's as if they have to translate for them. I ask if they want wine, Tony Two-Times says, "He wants to know who wants wine?" They fucking know that Tony, they're not bloody deaf. Pisses me off, I say it pisses me off.

The Primary School Teacher - speaks to every waiter like it is the first time they have waited tables. Very slow, very concise, and watches you like a cop on stakeout as you take their order down. God forbid you don't need to use an order pad, this freaks them right out, they cant cope with the near anarchy of not using an order pad. "Dude it's one bottle of wine, I'm not going to forget it in the 60 seconds it's gonna take to get it and serve it."

The Nervous Puppy - permanently frightened even terrified of the waiter. They panic at the slightest question and you can actually see their heart pumping like goodo through their shirt, in much the same way as a bunny does when you lift it. I wanna hug them and tell them it's all gonna be okay. But I don't, obviously.

ME ME ME - they don't see you, they don't hear you, you are invisible to them. Is that right? Two can play at that game matey.

Bed Wetters - allergic to everything! Does the sauce have cream in it? Does the chowder have shellfish in it? Are there peas in the soup? Have you any soy milk? Go fuck yourself! Stay home, drink soy, eat grass and leave me alone!

The Coupon Cutter - coupon/discount carriers are the worst, the lowest of the low, a waste of a good table. They have an idea in their head what the card entitles them to, but they never read the small print, and I'm always happy to point it out to them. Seriously, discount cards lead to more fights and arguments than anything else. And they get paranoid that they are getting less because they have a discount card. They don't get less, they get mocked.

God Botherers - Hi can I get you a drink? "Oh we don't drink, we'll have 2 cokes" Ok, so when was coke reclassified as something other than a drink? Fuck right off and you can keep your pamphlet, I can't be saved.

The Goldilocks - they aren't too hot, they aren't too cold, they are just right.......just not enough of them!

34 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Anonymous Boxer said...

I love the white backgroud... it's like someone turned on the lights!

I need to go drink my soy .......

sniff.

That's my dairy intolerance, I am not crying.....

Manuel said...

boxer: I'm liking the white too.....spring n all that......soy drinkers make me cry especially when it's with decaf.....[sigh]

Medbh said...

I wanted to say that I love that bedspread near the buddy jeebus, Manuel. Chocolate brown and robin's egg blue go so well together.

Fab list. I am none of them even though Mr. M calls me "D" for difficult because of my garlic allergy.

MJ said...

*sheepishly tucks coupon back into wallet and scurries off*

But hey! I left a big tip!

psychicgeek.com said...

It looks purdy in here. Thank you for allowing my eyes to stop bleeding.
Your list is incomplete, I don't think I'm on it. How about Foodie?

Native Minnow said...

Bwahahahaha. One of my best friends is Texan, and he totally rearranges the table every time we eat somewhere. That is so freakin' funny to me.

Bitchy Waitress said...

I love you.
What a great post! My personal fav is the Nervous Puppy! Where do those people come from?? Oh, and the God Botherers...ha!...add another ribbon to my basket...teehee

dave said...

What's going on here?....

I'm scared. I don't like change. It frightens me.

ellie said...

I'm busy trying to work out which category I fit into, at this rate I don't think I will ever eat out again!

Love the new look

sheepworrier said...

Dave: Spoken like a true Norn Iron man...

dave said...

Sheepo: hahahahah!
I have to 'fess up here... I actually prefer the white background with black text. Manuel must've went to a Human Computer Interaction web designing thingy course.
He was told off by the internet police for testing Well Done Fillet version 2.1.30a using bright pink background and yellow text.

sheepworrier said...

Congrats on the shortlist for Best Food Blog, Mr Manuel!

The Troll said...

I'm a Semi-Texan, I guess.

Sometimes "The Chairman" and "Tony Two Times" are combined in one loud obnoxious entity.

The Troll said...

Where and what is this "Best Food Blog" contest of which sheepworrier speaks?

fatmammycat said...

A most excellent-and entirely recognisable -list. I laughed. I scowled I felt stabby!
Bravo sir, also I named you and your fine blog in some magazine thing I was asked to partake in.

upset waitress said...

Wow, is your blog really white? or am I starting to black out? WTF?

What about them types that are always trying to help. I don't mind that they pile up their empty plates and stack their dirty cups into a neat pile then wipe their table clean...but I hate, and I mean hate when they pull food from the tray and tell you where every dish goes.

Queen Of Clean said...

Oh Manny, thats much better...my head has stopped hurting now....anyway, you can call me Goldi!!

Manuel said...

medbh: My favourite bed spread it has to be said.......allergy people annoy me when they tell you about their allergy after they have been served......dicks....

Mj: that would be a first for a coupon cutter.......

Pgeek: there will be more coming soon...maybe next week....maybe tomorrow....how knows any more? not me......

minnow: it's a pain for us waiters though....especially as most of us suffer from ocd......

bitchy: god botherers really do my head in...grrrrrr

dave: embrace it......c'mon let the whiteness into your dark heart...

ellie: new look for the new me......not

sheepo: hehehehe

dave: the white wasn't my first choice.....if you had been on here at 3am you would have seen some sights....my test blog is currently labouring under a blue mesh thingy background......who knows what will happen next....

sheepo: cheers....wont win but nice to be nominated blah blah blah bitter? me?

The troll: oh I bet you are just a peach to serve! I've been nominated for the Irish Blog Awards food and drink category......see above...

fmc: what's this? what magazine? real or internet? tea or coffee? what?

upseto: oh it's white alright! you likey?

helpers, tray grabbers, stackers, al just wrong......very very wrong.....

Manuel said...

queen: goldi eh.......I'll be the judge of that!!

bendersbetterbrother said...

I don't want to be pigeon holed. Can I still eat?

Had a meal in James St South. Service excellent, waiters knew their stuff, were helpful, very knowledgeable, attentive. Food just OK. For the price food was not as good as expected.

Manuel said...

BBB: get in your god damned hole and stay there.......JSS..nice....it is over priced....no doubt about that...

fatmammycat said...

Real, I'll send you a mail when the piece is out.

Manuel said...

FMC: crikey.....how sweet of you.....unless of course you were complaining about me.......

fatmammycat said...

Nah, I wouldn't do that, just spreading the love baby, spreading the love.

Rosie said...

i'm in prague with all of them. all of them.

help.

INNER VOICES said...

yet again a great post, i like the new background as well. its like a breakfast restaurant now... i'll have eggs please. over medium. with bacon. keep the coffee coming.

Manuel said...

FMC: awh I love the love......

Rosie: better prague than Belfast I assume.....

Voices: I only do scrambled eggs......cheers..

Ali said...

ROFL! I may have to just start referring people to this list when I rant about customers.

Roger said...

Dood - Draft is beer; Draught is wind - you need to do v2 of the card (which I love.. and I need to now knuckle you down to the C.. restaurant with the slightly very average food but AMAZING service or the R.. restaurant with good food!).

Manuel said...

Ali: if not to their face then definitely behind their back....

roger: no idea what you are on about [cough cough] ......cheers....wanna badge?

Anonymous said...

I think you forgot one: The Whisperers. kinda related to the Nervous Nellies I suppose. Fuck me, your order whispered into the menu or to your dining partner is not as effective as TELLING ME. Up here, all I can hear is the shit music and the braying clientele, you'll have to project it a little better for me.

Keep up the good work!

Gypsy said...

I hope you do come up with more Manuel....I don't seem to fit any of those although I am quite close to being a Goldilocks. It was very funny anyway but then I always have a giggle when I come here.

Manuel said...

anonymous: so true and very very annoying.

Gypsy: more coming soon well soonish......

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