Monday, 11 February 2008

Waiters are like the cast of a Benetton advert...

...we come in all sizes, shapes and colours.

the goldfish
did you want the lamb?
did you want the lamb?
did you want the lamb?


The Denier - I'm not a waiter I'm a [insert anything else] and they let you know at least two or three times during your meal.

The Captured Soldier - doesn't say a thing, specials have to be dragged out of him, name, rank and number that's your lot.

The Talk Show Host - asks you more questions than Jay Leno and David Letterman put together.....doesn't listen to the answers either!

The Jeffrey Dahmer - would rather eat you than serve you. There is a psycho in every restaurant.

The Bad Lover - cares more about their own happiness than yours.

The Suicide Cult Member - a bit too perky for comfort and wants to invite you to their next meeting/gig/prayer service.

The Goldfish - no memory, has to come back to the table every 2 minutes to check what you just told him.

The Hugh Grant - cant tell the difference between a man and a woman thus sticks to calling everyone "guys".

The Mel Gibson - sorry sorry sorry sorry, always sorry for something.

The Harry Houdini - can get themselves out of any trouble.

The Britney Spears - has not one, not two, but many many breakdowns per shift. Cant cope with the pressure on the big stage, people expecting them to deliver and so on.

The Philip Morris - doesn't have a couple of hundred billion in the bank but does reek like a cigarette factory.

The Jerry Maguire - "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" he may not say it but is thinking it the whole time. He eyes up your wallet in the same way as a horny teenage boy eyes up his mate's sister.

The Jerome Kerviel - has your credit card and isn't afraid to use it.

The Doctor - asks "is everything okay/how you doing?" every 5 minutes.

The Invisible Man - where is he?

The Da Vinci - a creative sort, you order the lamb he brings the fish.

The Leonard Cohen - oh so gloomy, he looms over your table with a dark and erie presence. Whilst you consider the soup he is considering the futility of life.

The Estate Agent - over inflates the size and quality of the product on offer, and has a million dollar smile.

The Manuel - actually there is only one Manuel.........

18 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

ellie said...

I am The Goldfish / Mel Gibson of the reception world. Maybe one day there will be a one and only Ellie?

Manuel said...

awh there is!!

Anonymous Boxer said...

I had the Goldfish on Thursday night, but I'd prefer someone returning to verify things than just guessing..."did she say it she allergic to shellfish or she wanted a double order of shellfish?"

My wish is that there would be a "Manuel" for everytime I eat out.

The world would be a better place.

MJ said...

Many Canadian waiters are Doctors.

They wait 'til just the right moment (when my mouth is full) before popping the questions.

Old Knudsen said...

I'm the like it or lump it type and you only get to leave when yer plates are empty and I get a tip.

nursemyra said...

is that leonard cohen type hitched? I'm attracted to moody gloomy men...

D said...

I think I began as a Jerry Maguire (I'm a student, I therefore justify to myself that I'm allowed to chase money like a dog chases its tail), and gradually evolved into a sort of Estate Agent.

I do have the million dollar smile!

...Unless my back is turned in which case I'm Leonard Cohen.

Manuel said...

boxer: better? no too much ego/paranoia for the world to handle

MJ: we are trained to do that.....hehehe

old k: hey that's my gig.....!

nursemyra: ooh all that dark poetry and trench coast...eek....

d: we are all a little of each eh.......

Gypsy said...

I like them with multiple personalities especially when on a boring date. It makes the experience more interesting.

Manuel said...

gypsy: I'll send jeffery and leonard right over.......

The Troll said...

Clever post. The Leonard Cohens are the worst. Regarding the "Doctor" and "Hugh Grant" if you do either at Chez Troll, you're fired.

" Was EVERYTHING alright, you guys?" FIRED.

" You guys want ANYTHING else?" FIRED.

"Did you enjoy your Chicken ala Troll, SIR? Have you decided on a dessert, SIR?" NOT FIRED.

Manuel said...

the troll: I've done the hugh grant thing a few times...."now sir are you ready to order? Oh whoops, sorry madam......" crikey...

Medbh said...

You're absolutely right.
There's only one Manuel.

My least favorite is the Talk Show Host. When I was in the business I had plenty of customers like that who wanted to be all chatty and ask me about my life.
None of your business, cheapos.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Manuel - can you answer this one? Why do some waiter SIT DOWN to chat and take the order? It always alarms me.

bendersbetterbrother said...

Had to put my sunglasses on today to read this. What about a nice beige? Something easy on the eye.

Ali said...

Beautiful list, Manuel. I lurv it.

Curly K said...

Great list Manuel and of course there is only one Manuel!

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