I have seen the future, and it's waiter shaped.

Nostradamus
probably worked as a waiter...

As I'm sure I have said before, stop me if I'm repeating myself but you know what it's like when you get to my age, the restaurant year is pretty much the same from year to year. Moveable feasts such as Easter provide the only variance of any note. So pop out your diaries and take note of what will happen this year, these aren't predictions, these shall definitely come to pass over the next 6 months.....

January

Nowt. Zilch. Sweet FA. Nothing will happen. So you can expect lots of moaning and whining from me. Lack of customers means lack of hours and lack of tips, ergo lack of happiness. There is only so many times you can clean the bloody shelving before you ache for the chaos of Christmas. The days remain dark and I will probably kill the time with at least 7 new blogs all related to shelving or bemoaning the quality of J-Cloths or discussing the view from the window I will stare through night after night, whatthewaitersaw.blogspot.com..........it's gonna happen!

February

Ah the month of love, and the faint hope of a busy night. St Valentine's Day is the most eagerly anticipated day for restaurateurs, chefs and waiters alike. Not because of the satisfaction it gives us in serving expensive chicken and over priced bottles of "special" wine to love struck couples, although we do enjoy that aspect of it. But because it signifies the end of the 6 weeks of post Christmas gloom. Customers are ready to spend again, the credit card bills have been paid, thank God for the re-mortgaging option, and the weeks of frugalness are at an end. Traditionally things lift from this point. But expect a post from me bitching like a champion about the lack of tips on one of the busiest nights of the year. Apparently the love doesn't stretch as far as the waiter. It's a cheap fuck of a night........no pun intended. Might take some time off at the end of the month.....

March

The evenings are now significantly brighter and smoking outside has become a little easier, which is important. March provides us numerous "fun" days. "Easter is early this year", you can expect to hear that more than a few times, not from me though as I couldn't care less. But as well as the Easter holidays we have the never ending joy and delight that is St.Patrick's Day. The restaurant becomes a sea of green jumpers, shirts, novelty hats provided by Guinness (apparently official sponsors of St.Patrick's Day), and drunk people, very drunk people, super drunk people and Shane Magowans. It's a gem of a day. Mothering Sunday(!?) is another classic. Gone are the Hallmark Card type scenarios of yesteryear. In are women getting very very pished. If Guinness are the sponsors of St.Patrick's Day then it's a toss up between Bacardi Breezers an WKD for the right to sponsor the scariest day of the year. I mean that, it's every waiter for himself. I'm wearing a cod piece or some sort of cup this year. March is a golden month, and is second only to December in it's fiscal returns.

April

The Jesus and Mary Chain were happy when it rained, not me, cant roll and smoke in the rain. April showers aside April ain't a bad month. But there are no significant events, that I know of, planned. So it's fingers crossed for lots of large bookings and reasons to be happy. You can also expect a post on the idiots booking their Christmas Lunch. Poor deluded fools, we laugh at you and call you names and say wise things like, "Fuck sake you could be dead by then." Waiters we live for today, not tomorrow. Saying that you should always book in advance. Australians will be all over town by now too along with the lovely Yanks and most other nations too. Hopefully I don't get beaten to death by a angry Antipodean, hopefully I won't have to serve any either.

May

There will only be one subject up for discussion in May and it's not my sister or Bon(e)o's birthday, same date by the way. LMM and I are off to Gordon Ramsay's Claridges restaurant for a slap up feed, as the country folk call it. Oh mummy I can't wait. Bollocks I've dribbled on the keyboard.

June

Summer is upon us and the teachers are out in force, one last piss up before the schools finish for two months. Expect swearing, ranting, maybe crying, and more swearing. And from me too. We normally have a big Christmas meeting around now too. Not sure why, nothing changes. Same turkey and ham, same bookings policy, same panic. Ah I love it you know. Every quiet night in June is explained away with, 'They're saving for the holidays." Gets the boss out of all sorts does that. As does the weather. It's normally "too sunny" to be sitting in a restaurant. Funny that because in January it's "too wet" to be sitting in a restaurant.

Mark my words people, Manuel sees the future and it's okay-ish.......the next 6 months to follow some time later......don't know when.......the leaves haven't revealed themselves to me yet.....