Thursday, 3 January 2008

I have seen the future, and it's waiter shaped.

Nostradamus
probably worked as a waiter...


As I'm sure I have said before, stop me if I'm repeating myself but you know what it's like when you get to my age, the restaurant year is pretty much the same from year to year. Moveable feasts such as Easter provide the only variance of any note. So pop out your diaries and take note of what will happen this year, these aren't predictions, these shall definitely come to pass over the next 6 months.....

January
Nowt. Zilch. Sweet FA. Nothing will happen. So you can expect lots of moaning and whining from me. Lack of customers means lack of hours and lack of tips, ergo lack of happiness. There is only so many times you can clean the bloody shelving before you ache for the chaos of Christmas. The days remain dark and I will probably kill the time with at least 7 new blogs all related to shelving or bemoaning the quality of J-Cloths or discussing the view from the window I will stare through night after night, whatthewaitersaw.blogspot.com..........it's gonna happen!
February
Ah the month of love, and the faint hope of a busy night. St Valentine's Day is the most eagerly anticipated day for restaurateurs, chefs and waiters alike. Not because of the satisfaction it gives us in serving expensive chicken and over priced bottles of "special" wine to love struck couples, although we do enjoy that aspect of it. But because it signifies the end of the 6 weeks of post Christmas gloom. Customers are ready to spend again, the credit card bills have been paid, thank God for the re-mortgaging option, and the weeks of frugalness are at an end. Traditionally things lift from this point. But expect a post from me bitching like a champion about the lack of tips on one of the busiest nights of the year. Apparently the love doesn't stretch as far as the waiter. It's a cheap fuck of a night........no pun intended. Might take some time off at the end of the month.....

March
The evenings are now significantly brighter and smoking outside has become a little easier, which is important. March provides us numerous "fun" days. "Easter is early this year", you can expect to hear that more than a few times, not from me though as I couldn't care less. But as well as the Easter holidays we have the never ending joy and delight that is St.Patrick's Day. The restaurant becomes a sea of green jumpers, shirts, novelty hats provided by Guinness (apparently official sponsors of St.Patrick's Day), and drunk people, very drunk people, super drunk people and Shane Magowans. It's a gem of a day. Mothering Sunday(!?) is another classic. Gone are the Hallmark Card type scenarios of yesteryear. In are women getting very very pished. If Guinness are the sponsors of St.Patrick's Day then it's a toss up between Bacardi Breezers an WKD for the right to sponsor the scariest day of the year. I mean that, it's every waiter for himself. I'm wearing a cod piece or some sort of cup this year. March is a golden month, and is second only to December in it's fiscal returns.

April
The Jesus and Mary Chain were happy when it rained, not me, cant roll and smoke in the rain. April showers aside April ain't a bad month. But there are no significant events, that I know of, planned. So it's fingers crossed for lots of large bookings and reasons to be happy. You can also expect a post on the idiots booking their Christmas Lunch. Poor deluded fools, we laugh at you and call you names and say wise things like, "Fuck sake you could be dead by then." Waiters we live for today, not tomorrow. Saying that you should always book in advance. Australians will be all over town by now too along with the lovely Yanks and most other nations too. Hopefully I don't get beaten to death by a angry Antipodean, hopefully I won't have to serve any either.

May
There will only be one subject up for discussion in May and it's not my sister or Bon(e)o's birthday, same date by the way. LMM and I are off to Gordon Ramsay's Claridges restaurant for a slap up feed, as the country folk call it. Oh mummy I can't wait. Bollocks I've dribbled on the keyboard.

June
Summer is upon us and the teachers are out in force, one last piss up before the schools finish for two months. Expect swearing, ranting, maybe crying, and more swearing. And from me too. We normally have a big Christmas meeting around now too. Not sure why, nothing changes. Same turkey and ham, same bookings policy, same panic. Ah I love it you know. Every quiet night in June is explained away with, 'They're saving for the holidays." Gets the boss out of all sorts does that. As does the weather. It's normally "too sunny" to be sitting in a restaurant. Funny that because in January it's "too wet" to be sitting in a restaurant.

Mark my words people, Manuel sees the future and it's okay-ish.......the next 6 months to follow some time later......don't know when.......the leaves haven't revealed themselves to me yet.....

19 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

ellie said...

I am so envious of the Claridges visit. Oh to dine somewhere with a dress code!

Mind you, Marco Piere White would be my celeb chef of choice

Manuel said...

Ellie: They send you the dress code with your confirmation of booking. Get that! Oh how I would love to work somewhere with a proper dress code. "No shirt, no sausage" doesn't quite count.....

Medbh said...

"No shirt, no shoes, no dice."
"Fast Times" comedic gold.

Is it wrong to say that I always hated working St. Valentine's? It seemed like such a day of obligation, like you had to take your woman out and fill her up as a prelude to teh sex.
Hallmark holiday, bah.

Sassy Sundry said...

Funny, publishing follows a similar calendar. We don't have any Shane Magowans at our house, though. Pity. I'd have something interesting to write about.

And I'm trying to assemble some shelving now, too. It makes me want to weep.

Old Knudsen said...

I'm off to start a blog "What Knudsen saw" to beat you to it or "who Knudsen sawed in half" so Bono is yer sister then? I don't see much spiritual growth going on here, isn't it about time you accepted paisley as yer personal saviour?

upset waitress said...

Something happened overnight and I don't take to kindly to change. I hate to the bearer of bad news Manuel but I think your header is extremely overweight and needs to go on a serious diet.

Ribeye of your Dreams said...

I always wondered why I liked Nostradamus as much as I do...

I also noticed I've been slacking on my comments lately. Time to remedy that. I might even comment more than once every 6 months...betcha he didn't predict that!

RagingServer.com

Flirty Something said...

Interesting point re valentines night, who knew!

MJ said...

Since you have so much time on your hands this month, isn't it time you got out your camera and scanner?

Manuel said...

medbh: oh it's not wrong at all.....I agree...

sassy: It's all so depressingly the same old same old........

Knudsen: [clears throat] NEVER NEVER NEVER

Upset: Me and it both.....but in both cases it ain't gonna happen, it's looks great on my mac.....

Ribeye: I'm holding you to that...

Flirty: Hello, we don't see you too often round these parts......good holidays I hope.....yes Valentines is a waste of effort on the waiters behalf.....

MJ: awh God loves a trier......

Native Minnow said...

Upset Waitress, I was a bit taken aback by the new header as well. A friend of mine just moved to Germany, and we had our last meal together in a place with a dress code. It was rather nice. It's been a long time since I've done that.

upset waitress said...

eh emm...Well my mac is mad at me. I have to beg it for forgiveness everytime I visit...My mac said, your header is so big that Stevie Wonder sees it!


(it seems like it goes through a refresh...it starts from the post for a few seconds, then it jumps to the header. Maybe it's a width(not height) problem? )

whyioughtta said...

I thought the header was a splash page and got all upset because isn't it international law that splash pages should be hurled into the sun? But then some lights flickered and I heard a faint voice saying "Ah just scroll down, child" and everything was okay.

I think I remember Claridges from Confessions of a Shopaholic...er, I mean War and Peace. Tell us (non-UK residents) more.

I especially like your April bit. Hilarious. It's fun to laugh at hyper-organized people.

ellie said...

I've tagged you, sorry. Blame Knudsen

Anonymous Boxer said...

I love a good dress code.

Seriously.

ellie said...

Saw this and thought of your new banner .....
http://www.makemylogobiggercream.com

Manuel said...

minnow: I've seen what you eat....if you know what I mean

Upset: I've made it a bit smaller.....that better?

WIO: Expect to be bored by my stories of Claridges before long.....

Ellie: I blame Knudsen for most things....And make my logo bigger cream? Bwahahahahahahahaha brilliant

upset waitress said...

Better, it doesn't jump anymore. But you know me, I still don't like it :)

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