Wednesday, 2 January 2008

2008, the year Manuel changed

pastures new?
no thanks


Ah January, another year begins and a young waiter's mind turns to thoughts of pastures new. And fair play to them. Not me though, I'm not a young waiter and my mind has trouble enough focusing on what's happening right now let alone pastures new. No I'm in a rut, work wise. A happy rut it has to be said. I know the flow of the place, I know my customers, I can judge the chef's mood and take action as appropriate, I know what I can make and I'm happy with all of it. And you can't put a price on happiness. Well actually you can, and it's about £200+ a week in tips....

Others have yet to find their happy rut, another waiter jacked it in on Sunday. Like I said before, damn the youth with their lofty ambitions. I'm not without ambition, I still want to be an astronaut or a rock star or 2 stone lighter. It's good to have a dream.

But every rut, no matter how happy you are with it, needs to be freshened up along the way. A rut that isn't freshened up will get stale and stinky. No one wants a stinky rut. With that in mind I have drawn up my New Years Resolutions to ensure my work rut doesn't .......

Work Resolutions
  1. NO AUSTRALIANS. Sorry, and I mean no offence, but I've had enough of Aussies. They are lovely people to serve even if they work the butt of you worse than a dinghy full of sailors home on leave. You can get some great conversation from them, and they are normally always fairly laid back. But do they tip? Do they fuck! And I've had enough of it. So unless you Australians sneak in under my radar you had better find another restaurant to fill your billycan.....(Anyone from New Zealand needs to copy the Canadians and get their flag attached to all their clothes etc so that they don't get confused with their near neighbors. Obviously it works against Canadians in restaurants but will work in favour of the Kiwis)
  2. NO CHICKENING OUT. No more will racist, homophobic, sexist (and anything else I find to be offensive, and that's a lot) remarks be stood for. I normally have to bite my tongue and just roll with it. But no more. I will pull you for it, and not in a good way either. It will cost me money, but i don't want your Nazi cash. And that's big of me, I'd take a percentage from anyone, and I mean anyone. But I'm too old to be just accepting your crap. Beware.
  3. COUNT TO TEN. I can, occasionally, lose my cool. Sometimes I take things a little too personally. Every so often I can be seen kicking the bin, slamming the tray of the glass washer, storming off, and so on. And by "every so often" I mean at least once a shift. It's not good. It needs to stop before somebody gets hurt. It needs to stop before somebody bites back, and then where will I be? Out on my ass that's where. Count to ten, think of green, go to my happy place, anything but hit the detonate button.
  4. NEW MATERIAL. I need new material big time. It's not good when you use the same lines/jokes on the same table. It's even worse when they finish your lines before you do. But if I'm going to change my lines, guests need to do it too. No more with the, "Oh no that's awful" when tasting the wine or when you have clearly enjoyed your food. It's all I can do not to beat you with the empty plate. I hear that ten times a day and it's wearing thin. I'll drop the ubiquitous, "Hey guys" if you change your "jokes". Deal? Deal.
So apart from Australians, bad jokes, plot loss, and letting the nasty comments slide I'm pretty much perfect..........honest.

Personal Resolutions
  1. Go off the smokes. Try and cut down on the smokes, lets be realistic shall we....
  2. Lose two stone. Actually just not put any weight on would be a good start.
  3. Read more books. It's 2008, audiobooks are the future people.
  4. Blog less. Blog more, hell yes, it's not an addiction I swear.
That's more than enough new challenges to be getting on with. Don't forget when you are making yours to add, "Tip more!"

23 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

MJ said...

What is your position on Canadians, aside from the flag stitching?

toast said...

Audiobooks - i hears ya - i am driving south a lot with work these days and thought i'd try out one of these new fangled gramophone-books out, so i went to my local itunes and downloaded The Road by Cormac McCarthy, and listenened to it on the way to a drive to Poole.

Initial disapointment that it was not about some bloke who drives a long a road looking for pubs with his name on it soon gave way to deep deep sadness - in an awesome way - a brilliant book and superbly read in the audiobook form.

Next up is I am legend, which is a similarish background in someways to the road but is just nowhere near as good - i'll bet the fresh prince has made a great fillum of it tho.

Oh and after that its Chuck Palahniuks latest - oh yes - my driving south and dog walking has been revolutionised thanks to audiobooks

sheepworrier said...

Eh gad, I'm back and in a sorry state.
My one and only resolution is going off the booze for 2 weeks to try and rid my system of the sustained damage the past few weeks have caused my withering body.

The shakes are inevitable.

Oh, and happy New Year Manuel.

Twenty Major said...

Don't forget to keep your thumb out of the soup.

HNY.

Old Knudsen said...

Hey ya fat Fenian bum bandit we're still good right? cos everytime I insult a minority (white people are a minority BTW) or race or religion I give money to a children's charity, you don't want the children to go without shoes now do you? The Pope, a blackie and two gheys walked into a pub in Rathcoole.................... not a joke more like a cautionary tale, it all ends badly.

Tony said...

I think Manuel was hinting that Canadians are sucky tippers...at least I've found them to be...

MJ said...

Tony: I tip 20 per cent so it must be all the other Canucks.

Medbh said...

Manuel, an easy out for the racist-heterosexist-sexist jokes is to just stare at them with a blank expression and then tell them you don't think it's funny. It's only when you laugh/join in that you become complicit.
Happy New Year, sweetie.

fatmammycat said...

They all sound like pretty decent resolutions to me. Especially the racist crap. Fuck them. And also if you can give up the fags you'll be doing possibly the greatest service to your body. Honestly, I know it seems hard, but if you can do it you should.

Like Sheepie I'm off the hooch too. But unlike Sheepie I'm off it for the next two months. Don't even ask me how I feel about that one.

Manuel said...

Mj: Aside from their reluctance to tip Canadians are sweet people, never had a problem with them other than that....

Toast:

Sheepo: I'm gonna start a fund to get you a mac for home. We lose you every weekend and holiday period.....not good enough...

Twenty: Cheers.... thumb, spit, dick, anything is possible...

Old Knudsen: Bwahahahahaha, legend...

Tony: Hinting? I can be more direct if you prefer.....

Mj: It must be.....

Medbh: That's pretty much the plan...

FMC: 2 months eh? I can do that with ease when it come to booze......smokes? Last time I tried I last 3 hours.....went mental....

Native Minnow said...

Re: blogging

It's not an addiction, I can quit anytime I want.

Good list (ha, I initially typed 'good lust'). I hope you're successful in fulfilling your resolutions. I didn't make any other than publish a manuscript. Everything else about me is perfect.

Manuel said...

Minnow: I can quit too.....I'm sure I could quit......yeah I could quit......I just choose not to.......I can't quit...My name is Manuel and I am a blog-a-holic....

Nick said...

Having been to Oz, I rather like the Australians, but clearly tipping is not one of their strong points. The next time I meet up with some, I'll remind them of the tipping etiquette here in the Emerald Isle. Laughing and saying tips are what you have on boomerangs is not good enough.

dave said...

I reckon you should be kinder to country folk as well in the new year.

Not that I'm from the country mind you, I'm only 10 miles from the big smoke an all that.
Hell, we even have trains and buses pass through our town.

Oh, and I mentioned to the wife about your table award to CSA staff over Christmas. She's not long out of that place.

Tony said...

I'm 24hrs clean of smokes...but i've chewed so much nicotine gum my jaw aches...as for the Canadian thing, I should say many do tip fine, i guess it's the ones that don't that stand out in one's memory...

whyioughtta said...

Happy New Year Man-Well-Done.

As a Canadian, my resolution is to wear more flags. Can't have too many maple leaves on your back these days, what with everyone hating the You Know Who's (pointing south as I say that). As for tipping, give us a break. We pay like 80% of our earnings to taxes. Or maybe it's 90%, I can't remember. Anyways, it's too cold here for going to restaurants. We're out of practice.

Wishing you all the best with your resolutions!

upset waitress said...

Hmmm. Number 2 kind of defeated the purpose of writing number one doesn't it? Aussies tip fantastic over here. So do the krauts :)

Percy said...

Ding, dong, Percy here. Excuse me, but audio-books are not the future. I don't want some over-paid thesp painting his/her version of events of a book in my head, when I can let my own, deranged thoughts do that for me. And as for those Canadian moose-f*ckers! Serves them right, being mistaken for septics, cos they hadn't had the balls to tell the British/French were to stick their imperialism where the Sun don't shine.

BTW, I'm gonna start a diary of madness that pours forth from licence-fee idiots who think they own the BBC, for your delectation, like the oul Irish lad in London who rings up to get answers for what are obviously quiz questions. Seriously, mate, fuck away off, get a life or a computer, whichever is more convenient?

Percy said...

Audio-books, my arse! I don't want some neurotic thesp filling my head with their warped version of images from any tome, my brain's deranged enough to do that for itself.

And as for Canadian moose-f*ckers, being mistaken for septics is the price you pay for not having the balls to tell the Brits/French to stick their imperialisim up their arse!

You can hire me for children's parties.

Anonymous Boxer said...

De-rutting is always a good thing.

I've made my own goals and my hands are shaking as I type.

Happy New Year to You, Sir!

Manuel said...

Nick: I like them too but....

Dave: Never....and Lisburn is as about as redneck as it gets......and Carrick too....

Tony: Bravo.....

WIO: Hey how you doing? Big year for you!

Upset: and what? eh think you are better than me? wanna fight about it?

Percy: Phone you in the morning.

Boxer: And you too Boxer......be over in a mo....

Gypsy said...

Do I dare show my Aussie face around here? Talk about rascist!! We are a lovable people Manuel, honest...:)

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