Thursday, 6 December 2007

"Happy Birthday Susan :-)" your chocolates were okayish

So I gave the chocolates back, well that was my intention. There were signs people, signs that I should just keep them. I stuffed the coveted box of chocolates into my man bag and headed off into the early evening gloom. I was 75% sure I knew were I was going. But 100% sure I was doing the right thing. But honestly if it hadn't been for the people voting in the poll I would have had that box nailed before lunch. After ten, maybe fifteen, minutes of flapping about in the dark and a near death experience with a group of Eastern European factory workers (I nearly ran into them as I was trying to smoke and cycle at the same time. I now realise I shouldn't do that) I finally found the house. I learn something new every day....

There was no sign of life. That was disappointing. I wanted someone to acknowledge my good dead, I need the love people. I wanted someone to tell me what a great fella I was. So I got off the bike and propped it against the wall. It fell, the bike that is not the wall (that would have been something) and as I was trying to pick it up the contents of my man bag spilled out, chocolates included. For fuck sake, I gave up watching Neighbours for this?! There were pens, pencils, mints, and other bag fodder all over the pavement. I was getting cranky. Sometimes I feel I am living in a Mr Bean movie, but with swearing, lots of fucking swearing.

So I gathered my stuff up and shoved it all back in the bag save for the box of chocolates. The box was looking a bit worse for wear by now, it had got wet when my bag spilled it's contents. I wiped it a bit with the sleeve of my duffle coat. That didn't really help. Now the wet was spread over the box. Nice. I just wanted shot of the fucking thing now. Plus to anybody passing by I looked like a burglar. Not your normal burglar I should say with my duffle coat and scarf by Scotch and Soda. But I did look odd. With chocolates in hand I sought out the letterbox. I wasn't located in the centre of the door, were any self respecting letterbox should be. It wasn't to the side of the handle were crazy people put them. No it was at the bottom of the door were fat people fear to bend. Cunts. No wonder the postie failed to deliver it to the right address, he couldn't face bending down again. Doesn't the EU have a directive about such things? They bloody should, "EU Directive no.126hgr7-56t The placing of Letterboxes on doors blah blah blah." Must send an angry email to Brussels.......

But would the pissing box go in? No it wouldn't. The box was too big for the letterbox. I knocked, that is to say I banged the door. I waited the customary 3 seconds then I put the chocolates back in my bag and fucked off home. And now I am eating them. What was I gonna do, go back later? I very don't fucking think so. They are okay I suppose but not worth the hassle/guilt. Oh and there was a note inside, "Happy Birthday Susan :-) Sorry I couldn't make it. Brain K." I felt bad for a moment but chocolate took the guilt away. Get a bigger letterbox if you wanna get chocolates in the post!

So what have I learnt from the whole experience? I have learnt four valuable things.
  1. Don't ask you lot for moral guidance. You just say the things I don't want to hear.
  2. The Posties lot is a hard one what with letterboxes that are too small to get anything in.
  3. Don't order chocolates from Thorntons. You will probably never get them and they aren't really very good.
  4. And most importantly never ever smoke and cycle. It's a killer and no mistake. Don't believe me? Well you try and roll your own on a bike whilst carrying a box in the early evening gloom and see if you survive.
And in the end it has cost me, well it will when I go back round to that house with £10 and the card that was in the box, and a made up excuse as to how her birthday chocolates got eaten. I blame the post office....clearly....

they are my chocolates now....

In other news, I can Has Wayterz? now does restaurant related om nom nom nom's and What the Waiter Knows has a much improved jobs section and Boxer is having a party on Friday. I'm bringing chocolates......

24 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Upset Waitress said...

You should feel like a fucking guilty glutton until the chocolate passes from your body. After that, you are clearly free of any bad kharma or guilt because it was flushed down the toilet :)

Manuel said...

sweeeeeeet.....

Angela-la-la said...

Oh dear. She has a birthday near christmas and you (eventually) stole her thorntons. You, manuel, are most certainly going to hell.



Meet ya by the big fire at half ten?

Manuel said...

it's a certainty......

Anonymous Boxer said...

I'll take your illgotten chocolates.

I have no shame.

Please make sure your Wait Staff is properly attired, sir.

That means CLOTHES are not optional.

Medbh said...

Those reddish ones look questionable in the pic, Manuel.

Don't feel bad for keeping them. It's like the dry cleaning lesson on "curb your enthusiam."
When you get given shit, you can keep it.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

When you go round with the tenner and the card, tell Susan it was squirrels wot did for her chocolates. Say they most probably savaged the box and then gorged themselves on the soft centres and that you found them lying passed out on your doorstep with great big choccie dribbles all around their hideous little mouths. To really convince her, draw an artist's impression of the culprits.

Deborah said...

Oh you're totally off the hook. All that effort... you earned it Manuel!

And yes, I would agree, they aren't really that good at all! Bring on the Lindt! IRISH chocolate... hahaha! ;-)

Conortje said...

Manuel - look me in the eyes and tell me that this is true and you really did go round to her house. In the eyes Manuel.....

Manuel said...

Boxer: Well I never......we have backless chaps and hats....

Medbh: bwahahahah does that mean some else is getting a piar of my socks?

Sam: bwahahahah I'll photoshop something....

Deborah: Green and Blacks......nothing else will do

Conortje: I DID! [SQUIRMS & HOPS ON ONE FOOT]

Mudflapgypsy said...

Manny, I think you have learnt an important lesson from this experience.

Don't ask anyone for advice.

Go with your gut instinct, which you seem to have done.

If you have no self control near chocolate stay away from drugs dear boy, it'll be the end of you.

Manuel said...

Flappers: Coke dusted snickers..........

yoyo said...

Thing is about Thorntons, they're...well they're not as great as they look, are they?
They look so delicious and awesome...but they're just the same as an average tin of £4.99 quality street. I have the same issue with SuperModles, look awesome,complete shite underneath.


Anyhew, from the sound of it it was just a guilt present from a bloke who screwed up big time with a girl. If he cant even be arsed to visit her, or send her something a little better than bloody thorntons chocolates, she needed your help to sever all contact with the bastard, Manuel!


In a way, you were doing a good deed, preventing this woman from dragging out painfull feelings for this obviously useless man.


..Right?

Right!

sheepworrier said...

...and for your second task, you must now fetch me a golden fleece!

(not from primark)

sheepworrier said...

btw Manuel, nice duvet cover...

Niall said...

lol i was the voice of reason,u asked and i told. u never listened but u got the point in the end

nick said...

You were right to try Manuel, but seeing as you were defeated by the small letterbox and the empty house, it was fair enough to give up and scoff the lot. Though clearly they were as bland as the others said. Also, as yoyo says, it looks like she wouldn't have appreciated them anyway as they were just a fob-off from the bloke.

dave said...

Hope you've got lights for your bike and a nice reflective jacket.
Gettin dark early these evenings.

And I find it's best to have your cigs (and other things) pre-rolled before you go cycling 8-)

MJ said...

I've never had Thorntons but then I've never had mushy peas either.

Medbh said...

Have you seen this?

http://www.dlisted.com/node/19422

Trump left a waiter a $10,000 tip.

Crispy said...

You just wouldn't listen Manuel, I said keep the choccies, Susan was probably on a pre Christmas diet any way and wouldn't have wanted the temptation....right?!

Manuel said...

YoYo: Right!!

Sheepo: Dunnes? I'm taking the duvet cover remark in the spirit which I read it......thank you.....

Niall: Voice of reason? That would be a first....

Nick: I had about 6 of em, you want the rest....

Dave: I don't normally go out on the bike after dark.......ever actually....that's what Value Cabs are for......

MJ: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMushy peas..........

Medbh: I'd take his money for sure......but I wouldn't say thank you....he's coming here soon apparently.....Post on that situation soon....

Crispy: Right!!

Upset Waitress said...

QWhy aren't you at the fcuking party? You are unfortunately setting nect to me. Rumour has it, you think your shits are farts.! :)

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