I don't have a persecution complex but this is taking the piss

paranoid?
who said I was paranoid?

I am, essentially, a good person, save for the odd foible and idiosyncrasy. Having a mental temper and being super quick to over react just make me a zany character! Much like Roy Keane. I try to avoid annoying the gods. I am kind to old ladies, well I don't mug them which is the best you can hope for with this generation. I keep the cat kicking down to two or three a week and I haven't baited a badger in years. Like the bottle of bleach says, I keep out of reach of children. I worry about my carbon footprint. Well I worry about it, I don't do a lot about it, which puts me on a par with the rest of the population. I donate to charity, a football team is charity right? When I am truly motivated I sign the odd petition or two. I like to think I balance my bad shit out with my good shit. My shit is balanced if you will.

So why oh why do bad things keep happening to me?

Sunday was LMM's birthday. I, like a good boyfriend should, had a plan. The little muffin didn't want to go out so I planned a sumptuous feast to celebrate her 25th birthday. Leg of lamb with a minted jus served with mash and roast potatoes, caramelised carrots and parsnips, and asparagus. Nice eh? Those are all LMM's favourites (is that right? - LMM). But before I could even peel a potato disaster struck. The fucking radiator in the kitchen went all suicidal and launched itself from it's moorings and fell on the floor! Not the first time either. But the timing was unbelievably bad. The next hour was spent in the company of towels and mops and swearing. There was water everywhere. But LMM was doing the family thing so I had time to get it all sorted. Well my version of sorted that is. The radiator is still on the kitchen floor, but isn't leaking water any more.

I composed myself, had a smoke and a cup of tea and started to prepare dinner. Vegetables peeled, meat seasoned and ready for roasting, I was feeling fairly relaxed again. I switched the oven on and waited for it to reach temperature. Time for another smoke. But no sooner had I sat down than there was an almighty bang from the kitchen. I sat rigid in my seat for a moment. The oven had gone bye bye, I fucking knew it. I finished my smoke and then threw a Grade A, World Class, Shit Flinging, Vein Popping hissy fit.

Your oven isn't meant to break on the same day your radiator falls off the wall, and neither is meant to happen when you are cooking dinner for your girlfriend's birthday. For fuck sake ! Gimme a break!

The rest of the evening was spent with me over compensating for the disasters.

"MMMMM this Chinese food is really lovely isn't it?"

"It's just so lovely just the two of us, we don't need fancy food.."

And so on. So if this is what you get for being a good citizen then I'm going to give it all up and start dealing drugs. Just after I burn the house down that is....