I will let you down

my sort of Socialist Party

I have got no follow through. I get bored easily you see. I start things that I never complete. I've always been this way. As a child my bedroom was filled with half made Lego houses and Airfix models with no wings. The fact that WellDoneFillet is still going is just amazing to be honest. I really did expect to get bored with it after a few weeks. It wouldn't have surprised me if it had been dumped in the corner along with all the other things I couldn't be arsed with anymore. Things like:

1. Socialism. I tried Socialism for about 7 or 8 weeks back in ought 3. It wasn't the socialism itself that bored me rigid but Socialists and specifically the Socialists from the Socialist Workers Party. Fuck me with a hardback edition of Das Kapital were those kids dull. Now the dullness I could actually deal with, dialectical theories aren't meant to be a laugh a minute I assume, it was the constant smugness and the "we are right they are wrong" attitude that forced me out. I wasn't actually forced out, I just didn't go back. The party itself was stuffed full of well meaning kids who had a genuine interest in the world but was ruled by some seriously egomaniacal types. And only their brand of Socialism was right. I attended a number of Anti-War rally's, Trade Union protests and open meetings were members of other Socialist groups were present. You remember that scene from THE LIFE OF BRIAN? "Are you the Judean People's Front? Fuck off! What? Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front. Cawk. Wankers." Well that's what they were like. It was like arguing that your shit was better than someone else's shit. Bored me all the way to my local Gap shop.....
   
2. Photography. I tried photography for a while too. I bought a really sweet camera, bought about 15 books, took a night class (which I didn't complete), spent a fortune on gadgets, lenses, filters, paper, chemicals, changing bags, tripod, and all sorts of crap that is now in the loft. The camera itself is in a river in a jungle in Thailand. I don't want to talk about it. I was a really really bad photographer. I mean terrible. My fingers were the star's of many of my shots. If anything came out well it was by accident rather than design. Photography cost me a fortune. I got out of it before I sold the couch for film.....
3. Being Married. Not strictly speaking my fault, well not entirely my fault. I gave it a go for a couple of years but it wasn't for me. Clearly being married to me wasn't for her either. In the years after our divorce I asked her why she got fed up with me and the first thing she said was, "I hated that you never learnt to drive."
   
4. Learning to drive. HOW BORING IS THAT! Oh my God it's just so dull! My driving instructor clearly agreed as we spent most of my lessons playing the role of South Park characters. Seriously, that made it bearable but not enough for me to keep doing it. And it was costing a fortune to go for a drive pretending to be Cartman. Cars and driving have never interested me but I took lessons because that's what adults are meant to do. For that reason alone it had to go...
   
5. Going off the fags. The last time I tried to stop smoking I lasted 6 hours. Those were the worst six hours of my life, and Little Miss Manuel's life, and the kids that called to my house collecting money for charity. I got the patches, the pretend plastic jobbie, the books, the minging chewing gum, all the crap one has to get to go off the smokes. Awful. Not doing that again in a hurry...
6. Badge Making. I bought a badge making machine thingy a few years ago. I made badges from when I got up until I went to bed. Then one day I just stopped. I just stopped making badges. I never made a badge again. I can barely even look at a badge anymore. So many memories, so many tears......
7. Going to the gym. Who the hell was I kidding? I bought membership, bought the gear, bought water, so much water, bought a gym bag, God I even bought wristbands. Oh the horror! I went for about 4 weeks. Then I started to find excuses not to go. I knew LMM would give up mithering me to go in the end. It was just too hard and cutting into my sitting time. I love a good sit........
8. The Waiter, Can You Wait?. You are going to have to. Oh yes it's over. Far too much like hard work. Was going to write one last episode where they all got killed in a bus crash but couldn't be bothered. Meh what you gonna do?
   

This list was supposed to have ten entries but you guessed it I just couldn't be bothe..............

The Waiter - Episode 1 Part 2 - I don't want to to set the world on fire.

It's 11.42pm and all is not well at Chateau Manuel sur L'Lagan. The restaurant has been closed for nearly two hours, one trainee has been arrested, another 2 have been involved in a knife fight, the great mahogany doors are off their hinges, and Manuel has locked himself in his office and hasn't spoken since the police left. The remaining trainees are gathered at the restaurant bar fixing themselves cocktails. There is a tense atmosphere. Old Fnudsen seems to be the only person in a good mood, in fact you could say he has a spring in his step as he skips round the bar making drinks for the rest whilst whistling the Ink Spots, "I don't want to to set the world on fire."

Lunch service went well considering it was their first service. Mauve and Phatty made a considerable amount in tips. This was helped by Mauve deciding that it would be fortuitous to pull a button off her shirt revealing more of her ample cleavage than had been previously viewable. Phatty did likewise. Old Fnudsen was egging them on. There was a good rapport amongst the group and the nerves from earlier seemed to dissipate as the customers arrived. So how did a day that started with so much promise end up in, what can only be described as, chaos? Let's see...

7.01pm The doors had just opened as the first dinner guest arrived, a table for 1, Ms Savannah Sunrise-Moon. Ms Sunrise-Moon is an old friend of Manuel and more importantly a journalist and restaurant critic. Her love of the cutting remark is matched only by her love of younger men. Cletus showed her to her table,

"Now, there you go Mrs Mooney, there's your table. You wan something til drink?" Cletus was trying to sound relaxed and professional but nerves were clearly getting the better of him.

"Well sugar pie aren't you a big boy?" Purred Ms Sunrise Moon as she took in all 6ft 4 of him. Her Southern drawl lingering on the word big. "It's Sunrise-Moon but I'll allow you one discretion, maybe two, we'll see how you go. I'll have a Tom Collins with lime and plenty of ice." She ran her hand down Cletus' as he past her the menu. This freaked the big fella out. Cletus isn't used to women being in control, most country boys aren't. Shelley fixed the Tom Collins for Savannah whilst Cletus made an attempt at reading her the specials. The langoustines being a particular problem for him.

"Lang gus tweeeens, lang lusty teens, ....Shelly, what's them there big prawns called?" spluttered Cletus. Shelly arrived with the drink. "Today's special, Ms Sunrise-Moon, is Tagliatelles aux langoustines." And with that she coughed and backed away from the table muttering about needing a smoke "real bad... dumb bloody oaf"

"Aye" said Cletus "Langoustines wi pasta. It's quare n lovely too. But sure you have a look and I'll be back in minute."

It is fortuitous for Cletus that he is popular with the ladies as Ms Savannah-Moon would normally have ripped a waiter apart for a performance like that. The waiters at a well known Parisian restaurant walked out after she threatened one with a bread knife during a Sunday lunch for not putting enough ice in her Tom Collins.

Meanwhile, the restaurant was filling up. Manuel was flitting in an effortless manner between tables, both to welcome the guests and to check on the trainees. Old Fnudsen and Donardtje were coping admirably with their table from the Woman in Business Guild. Although it seemed as though they had switched roles and Donardtje was now taking the orders and Old Fnudsen was his busser. Manuel moved in to see what was happening.

"Ach the young fella wanted to have a go. Y'know what these lads are like with something new. Look at him, he's like a dog with two..." Manuel cut him off before he could finish his crude analogy.

"Fnudsen..." said Manuel trying not lose his composure, "...did I ask you to wait or did I ask you to buss?

"Ach your gonna get all cunty on me aren't yi? huffed Old Fnudsen.

"Here, Dutchy gi me that pen. El Duce wants me to do it. Sorry lad you'll have to wait your turn. Except you can't can you....wait that is." Fnudsen snapped the pen out of Donardtje' hand and made for the table of ladies. Donardtje looked forlorn.

"But but but that's my pen, it was a gift form the supermarket staff."

As Manuel made his way round the restaurant he noticed the ever perky Mauve sitting on a man's lap as he bounced his way through a version of the Canadian National Anthem. Mauve giggled as she clung to the man with one arm round his neck. Manuel wasn't impressed and neither was the over worked Phatty.

The giggling stopped as soon as she caught sight of Manuel glaring at her. She jumped off the man's lap, straightened herself, and started to top up the water glasses. Phatty meanwhile was getting stressed as she was trying to do everything on her own.

"Excuse me gentlemen, if I may have a word with young Mauve for a moment." interrupted Manuel.

"Sir, Manuel, sorry, I meant Manuel. I know I shouldn't call you sir cause you said not to. I was just ..."

"Stop talking."

"I was just, you see that man ...."

"Stop talking."

"I can see what you were just doing Miss Mauve. We don't do lap dances at the Chateau Manuel Sur L'Lagan. We do great food and wine with great service. We do not do lap dances. Is that clear?"

"I wasn't.... he was...national anthem"

"Is that clear Miss Mauve?"

"Yes Sir, sorry Manuel, Yes Manuel."

"Good, now if it's not too much trouble, could you please help Phatty. You remember Phatty don't you?"

A rather sheepish looking Mauve headed off to seek her swamped partner.

"Ah now Mrs oi'm nat your waiter o'il foind d'big fella for ya?" Shimmie had attracted the attention of Ms Savannah Sunrise-Moon. She over heard his Irish brogue and just had to have him, at her table that is.

"It Ms Sunrise-Moon now young man."

"Ah righto Ms."

"HEY SHIMMIE, AM I DOING THIS ALL ON MY OWN? GET YOUR SWEATY ASS OVER HERE."

Manuel was beside himself with anger when he heard UW shouting across the restaurant. He couldn't get to her quick enough. He caught her eye and montioned for her to meet him out the back. Manuel has been a bit intimidated by Unidentified Wrestler since she picked him up and held him above her head on their first meeting.

"Ah Wrestler, if I could ask a little favour from you."

"SHOOT BIG GUY, WHATCHA NEED?"

"Yes....if you could try and lower your voice a bit that would be just great. I like a loud woman, I really do but some of our customers may not appreciate it just as much as I do."

"INSIDE VOICE? NO PROBS BIG GUY!"

"Sorry, inside voice it is boss."

"Thanks, Wrestler." Manuel skirted out in front of her in case she tried to lift him again. Manuel stopped at the bar and surveyed the bustling restaurant. The waiters and bussers were busy. The customers were eating, drinking and laughing. Manuel felt almost relaxed. Almost. Something was wrong, someone missing. Manuel counted heads, Phatty and Mauve check. Old Fnudsen and Donardtje check. Wrestler check. Shelly check. No Shimmie and no Cletus. Before Manuel could could play his part in this adult game of hide and seek he felt his bottom being pinched.

"Now sweetheart why do you look so angry all the time? Come and have a Tom Collins with me?" Savannah had captured Manuel as he was just about to start fretting. The fact that two of his waiters were last seen in the company of MS Savannah Sunrise-moon sent a shiver down his back.

"Savannah darling if I had the time I would sit with you all night and drink until dawn. But alas I have a restaurant to run."

"Shucks it's a dogs life for you petal isn't it?"

"Indeed. Eh you didn't happen to bump into two of my waiters did you?"

"Moi? I've no idea!"

At this point a young kitchen porter, Gordon, came rushing out of the kitchen.

"Manuel! Manuel! You have to come quick the waiters have gone fucking mad!"

"What? Jesus!" Manuel knew immediately what had happened. He had seen it before, Ms Sunrise-Moon has an effect on men, "The Darkside of the Moon" thought Manuel. In France it's called the "la femme du soleil foncé." Savannah, for fun, picks two male waiters, flirts with them, and then pits them against each other to see who will take her home. It's all just a game for her amusement. She always goes home by herself with more than a hint of a cheeky smile too.

By the time Manuel had made his way into the kitchen Cletus and Shimmie were facing each other with the chefs carving knives. The chefs were in a lather. They had given up on cooking and were hanging off every viewing point to see the two waiters squaring up to each other.

"She's in my section you skinny, sweaty bollocks." Roared Cletus

"She says oi'm her lucky charm yi fucking oaf." Countered Shimmie and at that Cletus lunged at him with narrowly missing his left arm.

"FOR FUCKS SAKE WHAT IS GOING ON?" Manuel was between the duelling waiters. He became very aware of this as they continued jabbing at each other both verbally and literally.

"Lads it's just a game, honestly she does it all the time.....'

"BOLLOCKS!" they replied in unison.

By now there was a gaggle of waiters and bussers standing watching the stand off from the door of the kitchen. Manuel was losing control of his restaurant, and he knew it.

"GET ME THE MANAGER! WHERE IS HE? I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED IN ALL MY LIFE. THAT, THAT MAN IS OOHH I'M GOIN TO FAAAAIINNT....."

A large woman in an impressive black cocktail dress was half way through the door to the kitchen when she fainted. Manuel was breaking out in a rash over his neck. The heat of the kitchen was causing him to sweat profusely, it was getting in his eyes. He pulled Shimmie's service cloth from his waist and dabbed the sweat from his eyes and brow.

"Hey oi got a bollicking for doin dat!"

"DON'T!" replied Manuel.

"Wrestler!"

"BOSS?"

"Deal with these two!"

"YES BOSS! COME TO MAMA!" Wrestler swapped position with Manuel and beckoned the two waiters to her. They squealed in pain as she grabbed them both at the same time. Most of the chefs winced too.

Phatty and Mauve had taken their aprons off and had propped them under the head of the fainted lady. Manuel ordered the kitchen to be cleared. "Suits me? Pub anyone?" said the head chef. And with that the whole brigade marched out.

"What the fuck happened here? Who is she? What is going on?"

"Let me answer tha fer yi." The only man smiling was Old Fnudsen who seemed to be revelling in the chaos.

"WELL? WHAT HAPPENED?" Manuel was fanning the lady with a menu whilst trying to focus on Old Fnudsen's smiling face, the sweat was stinging his eyes.

"Billy Bunter's sista..." Phatty stifled a laugh "...ach she was bein a right pain. Get me this, get me tha, wipe me arse. All tha shite. What she needs is less pie not more. Ach she was doin heads in."

"SO WHAT DID YOU DO FNUDSEN?"

"Nae me El Duce, nae me." The smiling Fnudsen motioned towards the restaurant.

"Sweet Jesus WHAT NOW?! Phatty, Mauve keep an eye on her, get her some water or brandy, or bloody anything. Wrestler you got "Stabby" and "Lurch" under control?"

"NO DOUBT BOSS!" replied Unidentified Wrestler. She looked all at home as she sat on top of the two waiters.

Manuel jumped up and made for the restaurant as he brushed past Old Fnudsen his trainee whispered "Nae so calm now are ye, oh yi wan me til wipe your brow?"

Manuel just glared at the smiling Scot. He stepped into the restaurant to witness a scene that would have been fitting in a Mel Brook's film. Four of the women from the Women in Business Guild reservation were sitting on top of a crying Donardtje. Another stood above him shouting into a mobile phone. Other guests were gathered round the table all trying to get a view at the chaos. From a table nearby came a shout of, "WHAT IS A WOMAN TO DO TO GET A DRINK ROUND HERE?"

Savannah Sunrise-Moon seemed oblivious to the situation which she was partly to blame. Manuel gathered what trainees he could, well those who weren't occupied with collapsed lady's, being sat on, or sitting on others and gave out instructions. The restaurant was to be cleared, starting with Ms Sunrise-Moon.

"But wha bout our tips?" asked Fnudsen.
"Fuck you tips. Just get on with it." Manuel wasn't in the mood for Fnudsen.

As the guests left there was another outbreak of anarchy, this time at the front door. Manuel's two glamourous assistants, Charlie and Emily had taken offence to something Mauve's friend from earlier (the lap dancing fan) had suggested they do with him and the lemon sorbet. They had taken it upon themselves to re-educate the man with the needs and wants of the modern woman by smashing him head first into the doors. This caused one of the doors to snap from it's hinges.

As this situation was fizzling out the police arrived and after a quick conversation with the ladies on top of the flattened Donardtje they came to see Manuel who had fixed himself a large whiskey and lit a cigarette. They told Manuel that they would have to arrest his trainee for alleged lewd and improper conduct.

"Take him, take him, whatever you want. There's a few more in the kitchen you can take too of you want......" Manuel was past caring by now. One waiter arrested. Two trying to kill each other. His glamourous assistants have assaulted a customer and busted the doors. And who the fuck is singing?

"Ah don't wannie set the world on fire..." Old Fnudsen was bellowing it out at the top of his voice. Manuel retreated to the office leaving more questions than answers. What did Donardtje do? Will Shimmie and Cletus make up? How hot is Mauve? What now for THE WAITER? Can the program survive? And will anybody really read a post this long? Find out next time on....

THE WAITER
Can you wait?

The events depicted in The Waiter are fictitious. Any similarity to any person/blogger living or dead is merely coincidental. And just for laughs."

THE WAITER: Behind the Apron airs on Friday

The Waiter - Episode 1 Part 1 -The Line Up

It was a lively night in the house with the trainees staying up until the early hours of the morning. There was some tension between Old Fnudsen and Unidentified Wrestler caused by one of her practical jokes! But more of that later. In the weeks running up to the first show the trainees went through basic individual training. We didn't want them to be completely over awed at the scale of the task in front of them......

Day One. Shift: 11-3 5 to finish (Split)
The trainees are milling about the bar of the restaurant looking like lost sheep. Some are definetly suffering from last nights excess. The restaurant floor is no place to try and conceal a hangover. It's 10.50 and the trainees have about an hour to get the restaurant set and ready for lunch service. A handsome, if rather portly man, enters the room flanked on either side by two tall attractive ladies. This causes a ripple of excitement amongst the trainees.

"Hello, good morning, and welcome to the restaurant. My name is Manuel and I am ............ THE WAITER!"

There is a subdued round of applause from the group and one shout of "Fat bastard, ach I dinnae give a fuck..." from the back of the group. Phatty and Mauve, standing on either side of Old Fnudsen, both elbow him in the ribs.

"Fucking weemen....."

"I hope you all had a good nights rest and are ready for today's service. Ladies and gentlemen this is the first day of the rest of your lives. After today you will have a new found respect for those in the service industry. For one of you today will mark the greatest moment of your life, it will be the day you took your first step to becoming THE WAITER."

Another ripple of applause and some shouts of "Hell yeah" and "Bring it on" mainly from Unidentified Wrestler and Cletus. But what Manuel has failed to notice is that one of the trainees isn't at the bar for the first briefing. Shelly isn't there! Just at that the restaurant door flings open and in comes Shelly. She has her mobile phone in one hand a packet of Marlboro Red in the other. Coughing and spluttering she tries to apologise....

"Am I late? It's only eleven now. .."

Manuel fixes her a withering look and continues with what he was saying. "As I was saying, today one of you is on the road to becoming the waiter. But also one of you will fail today and have to leave the restaurant. For you, there will be no success and no glory."

Shelly omits a nervous giggle.

"Today we have 56 booked for lunch. My assistants, Charlie and Emily, will assign your duties for lunch. [There is a shout of "weemen mmmmm" from the back of the group] Please listen to what they have to tell you and follow their instruction to the letter. Now please get dressed for lunch quickly. We will talk again before opening. Miss Shelly may I have a word with you?"

"Me?"

As the group are led to the staff changing room by Charlie and Emily a very sheepish Shelly is taken to the office by Manuel. She reappears a few minutes later looking ashen. "I need a fag."

Manuel has removed her mobile phone and cigarettes and warned her about her timekeeping. The trainees are issued their duties for set up and as they get started Manuel reappears to watch over them. At 11:50 Manuel calls them all to the bar area again. The restaurant is set and ready for open. But Manuel is not happy.

"Trainees, this restaurant was set up by Charlie and Emily! You know how to do this, we showed you already. You were all too slow and if my assistants hadn't been here we wouldn't be open. Donardtje what was keeping you? You were slow and I saw nothing that could be causing you to laugh so much?"

"Me? I was just ....." But Manuel cuts off the giggling Dutchman before he can explain that Mauve and him were just excited to be on TV.

"Miss Mauve..."

"Yes sir." Giggles the far too perky by half Mauve

"Don't call me sir, call me Manuel."

"Sorry Sir, oh I mean Manuel, Sorry Manuel."

"You don't have to apologise either, this time, you need to concentrate more on what you are doing. Less laughing, more working please Ms Mauve."

"Now trainees please line up for inspection. And put your hands out." The trainees look at each other in horror. Shelly in particular is panicking and starts to lick her fingers and is rubbing them furiously. Manuel will be checking for clean and pressed uniform, personal grooming, clean and well trimmed fingernails, and that the trainees have pens, order pad and waiter's friend. Trainees can be sent home if they fail to live up to the standards set by Manuel. He will also be assigning duties, the group will be split into four groups of 2. One waiter, one busser.

"Very good Phatty, you may head to your section you will be a waiter today. And Mauve will be your busser."

As he scrutinises the line of trainees the tension is palpable. "Mr Shimmie you are rather dishevelled looking and what is with all the sweating? Is it too hot in here for you? Would you like me to damp your brow?"

"Oi tink I may have had a few drinks too many last noight der Manuel. Sarry bout dat." Shimmie straightens himself up and tucks in his shirt and using his service cloth he dries his forehead. This doesn't go down well with Manuel.

"Mr Shimmie what is that cloth for?"

"Dis cloth?"

"Yes Mr Shimmie, that cloth?"

"Ah roight I see what you mean. Mopped me head wi it didn't I?"

"Yes you did. GET A NEW CLOTH AND GET INTO YOUR SECTION! You will be a waiter today, we shall see if you are wasting everyone's time. Unidentified Wrestler, you shall be his busser."

"AWESOME MANUEL, AWESOME! C'MON SWEATY LETS ROCK!" UW grabs Shimmie by his tie and leads him to their section.

"Mr Fnudsen how are you today? You seem very relaxed or are you finding it all a bit tough?" Fnudsen is slouched over the bar looking very nonchalant.

"Wha?"

"Stand up Mr Fnudsen and put your hands out." Fnudsen duly complies but fixes a rather psycho look on Manuel that seems to say 'I'm gonna get you.'

"Very good Old Fnudsen, now lets see if you can wait. Take Donardtje and take your section."

"See if a can wait is it? Fucking jumped up little Nazi in a waistcoat. Ah'll show you. Ah fucking take bigger shites than you me lad." Grumbles Mr Fnudsen under his breath. "Right c'mon you"

Donardtje points to himself and says in a rather nervous voice, "Me? Oh my goodness with him?" The odd couple indeed.

Manuel approaches Shelly who is quaking in her Gucci heels. "Miss Shelly those shoes are fantastic! Where they expensive? Because they really are lovely?"

"Eh yes .... I got them in Pari....." Manuel cuts her off before she can reveal her favourite shoe shop.

"Miss Shelly do you think those lovely shoes are practical for a 14 hour day in a restaurant? Do you?"

"Eh now that you say that, probably not. I'll change them on my split."

"Yes you will, yes you will. Mr Cletus! How are you today?"

"Ah now Manuel I'm just fine. The sun is shining, it's a great day."

"A great day to be out in the fields Cletus eh? Cletus have you ever heard of moisturiser? You have hands like the back of an elephant!"

"You mean the hands of a man?"

Manuel didn't like what Cletus was inferring. "Cletus you shall wait tables today. We shall see if you can do Mans Work. Take Miss Shelly and check your section."

Ladies and gentlemen. You only get one chance to make a good first impression. Please ensure that you are tidy and well groomed and free from sweat and Gucci shoes from now on."

"Righto der boss" shouts Shimmie from the back of the room. "Ah'll make an impression with my boot you fat bastard." adds Old Fnudsen.

"Please work hard. Treat your customers well. Enjoy yourselves. And make money. Remember the waiters with the lowest tips will face the public vote off. Trainees are we ready?"

"C'MON BRING IT ON!" Shouts Unidentified Wrestler. Mauve giggles, Fnudsen sighs, Phatty jogs on the spot, Donardtje takes 2 steps away from Fnudsen, Shelly bits her fingernails, Cletus grins and says, "No bother".

"Emily please open the doors". The great mahogany doors are opened, the game is on.....

THE WAITER
Can you wait?

The events depicted in The Waiter are fictitious. Any similarity to any person/blogger living or dead is merely coincidental. And just for laughs."

The Waiter Episode 1 - Part 2 Meet the Contestants

Eight trainees must serve it out over the next 6 weeks to see who will become THE WAITER and secure themselves a glamourous position working alongside Manuel! The trainees will have to serve interesting celebrity guests and the general public alike with style, class, professionalism and good humour under the ever watchful eye of Manuel. Cash is king and the trainees with the lowest amount of tips earned each week will be put to the public vote and lose their chance to be (pause for dramatic effect) THE WAITER! Can you wait?

Lets say "Hi Guys" to the final 4 trainees

We have been introduced to the first four lucky trainees, all desperate to become THE WAITER, now lets meet the final 4 contestants.

Trainee number 5 is called Unidentified Wrestler. She is very loud. She is very scary. She is a 26 year old female wrestler who paints beautiful landscapes for the tourists in her home town of New York. Unidentified Wrestler is the practical joker of the group and has already had the production crew in fits of laughter. "I'M A LOVER AND A FIGHTER!" Shouted the diminutive New Yorker, UW is just under 5ft tall. "YEAH I LOVE TO HEAR PEOPLE LAUGHING AT MY JOKES AND IF THEY DON'T LAUGH I PILE DRIVE THEM UNTIL THEY DO!" Laughed Unidentified Wrestler whilst pounding her fist into her hand. When not beating people or making them laugh UW loves to spend time with her 12 cats, 5 dogs, 3 lizards and her snake called Hogan. "I LOVE ANIMALS THATS WHY I'M A VEGGIE." When asked how she would cope with serving rare steak or foie gras Unidentified Wrestler became very quiet and then said, "I don't know what I'll do ....... BUT I WANNA WIN THIS THING SO C'MON BRING IT ON!" She says she wants to win "TO SHOW THE STUFFED SUITS OF THE RESTAURANT WORLD THAT THEY NEED LIVENED UP AND I'M THE WOMAN TO DO IT YEAH!"

Trainee number 6 has come from all the way from the land of dykes and canals, no not Manchester, but Holland! Donardtje is 34 years old and worked as a supermarket manager before giving it all up to try his hand at waiting. Donardtje describes himself as being, "vivacious, daring, and oh so handsome!" He feels his time working as a supermarket manager has served him well and gives him a leg up on the competition. "Well if not a leg up, it'll be a leg over. Hehehehehe. No but seriously I know what customers need and how to give it to them." Donardtje's only worry is the house he will have to share with the rest of the trainees. "I need a big bed and plenty of calming sounds and smells if I am to get a good nights sleep. If I don't get a good nights sleep I'm just a wreck for the rest of the day! Oh and don't even talk to me about sharing a bathroom. Oh my God that's going to be so difficult!" Donardtje wants to win THE WAITER because he feels the supermarket isn't glamourous enough for a man of his character. "Oh Don't! It's just so dull sometimes, all the little Dutch ladies with their funny foods it's just getting me down. I need something glamourous and exciting in my life, and not just my life!"

Trainee number 7 is a self confessed fitness freak and gingerphile from Dublin Ireland. "Oh I love a ginger I do!" says Phat Marmoset! Phat Marmoset is also 34, she is married and keeps Marmosets in her garden. She works as a Dj on hospital radio. "I do it for the old people, I love the old people. I love ginger people more but I love the old people all the same." When asked why she wanted to give up something she clearly loves to take part in a competition Phat Marmoset said "All the old people I see and talk to are nearly dead which is a bit of a bummer. So I decided to give this ago so I could meet some old people who weren't nearly dead!" Phatty, as she likes to be called, runs about 15k a day and believes this will give her the edge over the competition. "A sound body gives you a sound mind and that's what you need to win in life, well that and ginger hair." Phatty is teetotal and adheres to a strict diet. She wants to win so that she can, "Put forward the case of ginger people. And I'd love to meet an old Ginger millionaire.."

Trainee number 8 is Cletus a farm hand on his daddy's farm in the wilds of Tyrone NI. Cletus loves nothing more than a "big feed" and feels that this is good enough reason to enter a competition to become a waiter. Cletus is 22 years old and the baby of the group. He works hard and plays harder. "Sure that's what me mammy and daddy taught me on the farm." Cletus has never been in a proper restaurant but nothing seems to worry him. "Ah now it's just a place where people pay too much for fancy food and grape juice. I've calved cows at three in the morning so I can take food to a table." Cletus describes his table-side manner as being "straight and direct, no bullshit, I'll tell it as it is." Being 6ft 4 and built like a wall Cletus thinks he will be a hit with the ladies. "Ah now I'll be having a little fun with this. If the customers don't bite maybe the some of the other trainees will." Asked if he would miss the farm Cletus responded "I've a photo of daisy and my big tractor in my wallet, they are my good luck charms. Now where's the feed at?"

So there we have it people, the contestants for THE WAITER! Who will win? Only you can decide! The group are settling in for their first night together in THE WAITER house. Who will share a bed? Will they get on with each other? Will Old Fnudsen feel out of place with people much younger? Will Cletus try it on with Phatty? Find out tomorrow when we go behind the apron and peek inside THE WAITER house.......

THE WAITER
Can you wait?

The events depicted in The Waiter are fictitious. Any similarity to any person/blogger living or dead is merely coincidental. And just for laughs."

The Waiter Episode 1 Part 1 - Meet the Contestants

Eight trainees must serve it out over the next 6 weeks to see who will become THE WAITER and secure themselves a glamourous position working alongside Manuel! The trainees will have to serve interesting celebrity guests and the general public alike with style, class, professionalism and good humour under the ever watchful eye of Manuel. Cash is king and the trainees with the lowest amount of tips earned each week will be put to the public vote and lose their chance to be (pause for dramatic effect) THE WAITER! Can you wait?

Lets say "Hi Guys" to the trainees

Trainee number 1 is from the Scottish town of Killamory, he's the oldest trainee at 68 but is determined to prove that age is no barrier in the pursuit of his dream. Say hello to Old Fnudsen! Old Fnudsen says he likes serving weemen the best and relaxes to a jolly Enid Blyton book and glass of shandy at the end of his shift. Old Fnudsen retired from a distinguished career as a postman 3 years ago and is keen to get back into work again. When asked what he would be bringing to the table in terms of skills Old Fnudsen replied, "Skills? What fucking skills do you need to be a tray jockey......is this deal or no deal....where am I?" Old Fnudsen wants to become THE WAITER because, "If that fat bastard Manuel can do it ah can do it too."

Trainee number 2 is Mauve from Canuksville Canada. She wouldn't give us her age, "It's a girls secret." she giggled. Mauve worked in her local cinema before coming on the waiter. "I got to keep lots of posters for my bedroom, you want some?" Mauve lists her favourite past times as watching soaps, reading celebrity magazines, and doing her hair. "I look like Goldilocks eh?" When asked who her favourite author is Mauve replied "I don't really read much, does the TV Guide have an author, I like that!" And then giggled again. We asked Mauve what unique skills she had that would set her apart from the rest of the trainees she said, "I'm just a really really bubbly person, I'm always happy, and I'm just gonna try my best and make everybody back in Canuksville proud of me....eh." Mauve wants to become THE WAITER because, "I want to meet lots of lovely interesting and attractive people."

Trainee number 3 is Shimmie from Dublin Ireland. Shimmie is 28 and married with 7 kids, all girls, all called Worf. When we asked Shimmie about this he said, "Ah der Manuel your nat d'first person to ask me dat. We just really loiked dat name and decided to give it to all d'girls. Ah dey all love it dey do." Shimmie worked at a pharmaceutical plant before leaving to try his luck on THE WAITER. "Yeah der Manuel, I loiked it in d'factory but I always thought it was having an effect on me virility. Oi mean 7 kids in 4 years is a bit much. D'woife is knackered. But it's gas craic in d'factory, a great bunch of lads, hello Seamie, hello Sean!" Shimmie says he has great organisational skills and can do 10 things at once. "Wi 7 kids you have to be able to multi task. You jus have to!" Shimmie wants to become THE WAITER, "Just to get away from the kids for a few weeks, they are getting me down....."

Trainee number 4 is Shelly from Belfast NI. Shelly is 38 and single, "I don't need a man to be happy." Shelly has been running her own import/export business for the last ten years but "I Want a new challenge. I need to be challenged all the time or I will stagnate." Shelly loves to smoke and has reacted badly to being told that she cant smoke at the restaurant. "What the fucking fuck is that all about?" she screamed at the young production assistant. "Get me the fucking contract, and a lighter." It took an hour to calm Shelly down and the production crew have constructed her a special smoking shelter outside. "Shelly gets what Shelly wants" coughed Shelly through a cloud of smoke. "I will win this competition, I'm a successful, driven independent woman." When asked why people will favour her over the other trainees Shelly said, "I have a positive energy and Gucci shoes hahahahaha."

That's the first four contestants revealed. Lets have a look at where the trainees will be living whilst competing in THE WAITER. In order for the trainees to fully understand the pressures of the modern waiter we have recreated the exact living conditions as well as working conditions. The trainees will share a house, but not an ordinary house! Behind the walls, windows, and pictures we have installed cameras to record their every moment when they are not at work. There are 4 bedrooms, and only 6 beds. Someone needs to make friends with another trainee or they will be sleeping on the sofa, the busted sofa. The cooker doesn't work properly and the heating is on the blink. There is no cable TV service and the phone has been disconnected. The rules of the house are fairly simple and will be revealed as the weeks go along. But the house must be kept tidy at all times. The psychological well being of the trainees is important too and there is a special room were they can go and talk to our trained staff who will help them with any issues they have. That room is the "Maître d' Office."

So do you think any of these trainees has what it takes to be THE WAITER? Coming up in the second part of this opening night two part special we will meet the final four trainees. We have a fitness freak, a Wrestler, a crazy Dutchman, and a farmers son......

THE WAITER

Can you wait?

The events depicted in The Waiter are fictitious. Any similarity to any person/blogger living or dead is merely coincidental. And just for laughs."

Coming this Fall on WDFTV...

Oi Trumper, do one

Manuel's got it covered...

I've been watching and loving The Restaurant on BBC2. It's essentially The Apprentice but for budding restaurateurs and has thankfully none of the bad hair do's and shite catch phrases. Over the last 8 weeks 9 couples have competed for the fantastic opportunity to work with Raymond Blanc, the eventual prize being a restaurant of their own financially backed and supported by Monsieur Blanc. The final episode is this week. I am working of course thanks to Keith Urban(e) playing nearby and the restaurant being busier than normal on a Wednesday night. But LMM will record it for me, or there'll be trouble. (You gonna take the love away? Oh no boo hoo hoo. HA! - LMM)

This programme impressed me as it focused on the service as much as the food, which is very unusual. The waiters in most of these types of shows are nameless blanks or are set up for a bollocking from the celebraty chef so that they look tough and hard. They never show the waiter giving it back to the pompous cooker jockeys. It must have happened at least once.

There aren't enough waiters on TV. I'm not advocating the rise of the celebrity waiters, but we do deserve more than we currently get. That in mind I have decided to "air" my own (twisted) reality TV show.

Eight trainees must serve it out over the next 8 weeks to see who will become THE WAITER and secure themselves a glamourous position working alongside Manuel! The trainees will have to serve interesting celebrity guests and the general public alike with style, class, professionalism and good humour under the ever watchful eye of Manuel. Cash is king and the trainees with the lowest amount of tips earned each week will be put to the public vote and lose their chance to be (pause for dramatic effect) THE WAITER! Can you wait?

The first episode will "air" on Thursday 12am(GMT) and there will be 2 episodes a week. Full details will follow over the next day or two including the list of eight contestants, and details of the behind the scenes show that will uncover what goes on when the cameras go off. THE WAITER will be a cross between Big Brother and The Apprentice but for aspiring waiters. Each of the trainees will share a cramped living space which will accurately reconstruct the living conditions of your average struggling waiter.

Will there be waiter friends by the end of the 6 weeks? Will anyone have the skills to impress Manuel? What will happen when 8 contestants with large personalities have to share a small living space? Sex, lies, and service cloths, THE WAITER has it all.....

(p.s. any TV executives interested in buying the rights to this show can email me at seriouslyitcouldbeahit@wdftv.com)