Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Water load of nonsense....

I was flicking (scrolling?) through The Guardian's Food Blog, Word of Mouth the other day when I stumbled upon a story about how the arse had apparently dropped out of the bottled water market. Watery poo everywhere, ha. My, people do seem to get themselves into a pickle about bottled water, particularly in restaurants. Everybody has their own buying-water-in-a-restaurant horror story. Everybody except me that is, as I am not a bed wetter.

Anymore.

get thee behind me watery satan...

The best I've heard was from a comment on that story from The Guardian about the time when the holy and exalted, Anthony Bourdain, was chucked out of one of Alain Ducasse's eateries in New york. Apparently our hero (he is our hero right?) was less than amused with the water waiter's too enthusiastic by half description of each of the bottled waters available. Our Tony was said to have chortled out loud and into the face of the water waiter and was less than complimentary with regard to his florid and flowery description of each of the bottled waters characteristics, provenance and reviving qualities.

Now I wouldn't normally condone such behaviour as waiters, even water waiters, are human people with feelings and emotions. But such feelings and emotions shouldn't be used to describe goddamned water. Seriously.

Another commenter said that they had been charged 70 pence for a jug of water. Excuse me what? You paid seventy pence for a jug of tap water from the tap, for corporation stock, as my da calls it? Well you need a slap and the restaurant needs an award for having some set of balls for even doing it. If whilst dining in a restaurant it became apparent to me that they were charging for tap water I would quietly get up from my seat, push it back under the table and make my way outside collecting my coat on the way. I would then set the fucking place on fire. I would marvel as the the flames raze the place to the ground. And when the fire brigade show up to put the fire out I would advise them to charge at least 70p for every second the hoses are on.

Charging for tap water in a restaurant is some shameful shit but paying for it is even worse. Don't do it. Just ask yourself, "What would Anthony do?" and take appropriate action. Clearly you shouldn't ask yourself ,"What would Manuel do?" and burn the restaurant down. Obviously.

24 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

wendy said...

Yes, Tony Bourdain is my hero too!

Manuel said...

wendy: but isn't he.....legend....

MJ said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I'd lick dripping mango juice from Tony Bourdain's heroin-tracked arms.

daisyfae said...

i would offer up 8 of my nearly dessicated eggs for fertilization by even the slowest of Anthony Bourdain's sperm...

in fact, i might pay 70p for tapwater just for the opportunity to boil his socks.

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

Let's face it bottled water is way overrated but more interestingly you also have a legion of female followers who drool at the sound of Bourdain's name which I find quite amusing.I will definitely check back to read more descriptive comments tomorrow.

MJ said...

Anthony Bourdain’s big bone.

Nooooooooo reservations.

Jimmy Bastard said...

People in Belfast actually DRINK water?
Ah'm no having that! Away and feck wi't yersel man.

Tony Bourdain.. a drinking man's man.

Le Nord said...

I'd burn the place down too in fairness but I'd also probably pay the 70p. I'd be embarrassed to query it because it's such a low amount

John Ferris said...

Bourdain is a hero Manuel. If anyone comes across a restaurant charging for tap water, maybe they should follow Tony's humane way of killing lobsters (but replace with owner's head). No dropping them into boiling water. Stick a large knife, quickly into the base of the head. That'll sort them out.

Manuel said...

mj: it's the dream we all share.....

daisy: that's probably not my dream if I am being honest.....

steve: unless of course it has bubbles in it......sparkling water is okay....

mj: oh my......no need......

jimmy: clearly he is.....rock bar and all that

Le Nord: yes and they know that, that's the deviousness of their plan.......the fuckers

john: quite the darkside their Johnny.....!

Jill said...

I was charged nearly £5.00 for a bottle of sparky water in a restaurant in Glasgow. £5 is ridiculous isn't it? But I was too embarrassed to say anything, plus the waiter boy was sort of cute.

Manuel said...

Jill: oh my! for a large bottle? tell me it was a large bottle! The cuteness of the waiter is immaterial.....we are all cute in our manly ways...

Voluptuous Vegan said...

Last year, Wrapworks on Lisburn Road had notices on the tables saying they have a no-tap water policy and reserve the right to refuse requests (might do still, but I ain't been back). Then they helpfully add that their (small) bottles of water can be purchased for a quid. Is a shame as I can't remember the food, the service or anything else about my one and only visit there, only being infuriated at this policy. Didn't occur to me to leave... (British politeness/doormat syndrome!)

Manuel said...

Voluptuous vegan: crikey, that's simply not good enough at all.....I can understand why a small business might do it but long term it's not going to endear them to anyone.....last seen it was up for sale....hmmm

Le Nord said...

Power to the people etc Manuel!

Jill said...

It was a big bottle but £5.oo is still to much to pay for water unless it is served by your Mr Bourdain himself. I would happily pay extra for that.

Manuel said...

le nord: power indeed...not too much all the same.....

jill: well I couldn't possibly comment....

Barbara said...

Ooooo!! Ooooo!! What was the date of that blog with Tony versus Alain??

Killer said...

Some fucknut said that you can have a heart attack......load of bollox.

Little Miss Manuel said...

Do you remember the hair brained boss I used to work for who came up with the idea that we were to start charging people for a glass of tap water and ring it in as same price as glass of milk!i nearly spat my bottled water out in his face!!!money scheming git!

fmcgmccllc said...

I always have a bottle if water in my hand and I take it anywhere. I do not order water in restaurants. I order drinks unless I know they serve skanky instant stuff.

Why would you pay for a glass of water?

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Belfast Barista said...

@Little Miss Manuel- would that be same coke-addled ADHD coffeeshop owner who drove all the staff nuts? Wouldn't have put it past him, LOL.

B said...

well if the recession was gonna kill anything