Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Cradling the porcelain...

I really feel for celebraty chef, Heston Blumenthal. Oh how the woe and gloom and headachery must envelop him. What started as a few people with dicky tum tums soon became 40 people with the uber shits and has since then has turned into one of the largest cases of mass (alleged) food poisoning in quite a while. There are now over 400 reported cases of pant pooing and dicky tumminess all involving the Fat Duck.

Oh my!

I mean the last time this many people heard the brown noise was when Bruce Willis did that god awful and quite shameful cover of Under the Boardwalk.

nothing worse than imaginary sickness

Now as you know I'm not a cynical person, much, but the fact that most of these claims of trouser trumpeting and uncontrollable boking came after good old Heston offered a free meal to all those affected by the outbreak of whatever the hell it was following a visit to his restaurant makes me think that some people are taking advantage of this messy situation.

The swines.

There is no doubting that something, whether it be the fault of the Fat Duck or not, has gone wrong but I also have no doubt that some people are at their lark. Over my near twenty years of schlepping plates to and from restaurant punters I have lost count of the many phone calls I've taken from people complaining of food poisoning. Normally from the same people who I have had to pour into taxis at the end of the night due to the imbibing of ridiculously large amounts of booze and hooch and hoochy booze. Personal responsibility is always eschewed in favour of blame, for where blame can can be laid compensation can be claimed.

"I was sick as a pig for the rest of the weekend. I was throwing up all day Sunday and was sure I was gonna die. And it was your chicken what done it. I'll be phoning the health authorities and the papers and, and, and, Steven Nolan.......Oh a voucher for a meal for two with wine included? Yeah that will do lovely, see you on Saturday."

That's how it goes. Customers pull scams. They do it with big balls and brass necks. They complain about food poisoning but neglect to mention the 10 pints of beer, 5 cocktails, and half bag of coke they took in the hours after they left the restaurant. No, no it was the chicken what done it, honest. They really do have diarrhea, verbal diarrhea.

The shit they come out with, "I thought it tasted off, but didn't want to say".What? You thought it tasted off but didn't want to say? You thought that it would be okay to eat something that tasted off? You fucking deserve to get food poisoned you idiot.

I suffered under the sweat filled ass raging yoke of food poisoning last year. And to my eternal shame so did my guest, Medbh. That said I couldn't possibly say what her symptoms were. But my ass was both sweating and raging. Have you ever had food poisoning? If you haven't spent two days clasping your bathroom porcelain whilst calling for the sweet and merciful release of death then you haven't been food poisoned. I was never so sicky bad in my life. It took me days to get over it and days to regain my full masterly control over my food. I was feared of it, I just didn't want to eat again.

That situation has since been rectified and those missing days when I couldn't eat have been made up for. Doubly so. Food poisoning is just so grim that you shouldn't anger the gods of karma by faking it. You'll see what I mean when you are doubled over projecting fluids from every hole, pore and fingernail.

But back to Heston and his woes, it's all a very far cry from the heady days of the recent past when The Fat Duck was named the Best Restaurant in the World and second best last year. Lets hope The Fat Duck doesn't become synonymous with food poisoning and the effects of it. Will the kids be complaining to their mothers that they cant go to school due to a bad case of the Fat Ducks? Or will it be, "I'm gonna Blumenthal all over the floor....ah man." Not so cool. No one wants their name to conjure up images of shit filled pants and sick covered chins, I mean just ask Adam Sandler.

Heh! I hate Adam Sandler. Not so fond of claims of fake food poisoning either.

29 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

wendy said...

I Blumenthal'd all over once. It wasn't pretty.

Manuel said...

wendy: arf! should have seen that coming...!

Medbh said...

Sweetie, I will never eat oysters again!
It wasn't just the violent poo, but the dizzy spells on top that made it all so special.

Oh, and the dude molesting me as I slept didn't help.

Manuel said...

medbh: wasn't gonna mention that....hey good times! bet you cant wait to back north again....!

savannah said...

having just spent 10 long days and nights dealing with miss daisy and the raging trots...yeah, it ain't a joke! i agree, sugar, somebody lies to get a freebie, they deserve to be violently, dangerously, totally and completely butt raging sick!

xoxox

(sorry, still too angry with a certain member of the family who could have helped but didn't fucking bother to be witty.)
(and you know, she's just the type to put a stunt like that!)
(the bitch.)
(i'll stop now)

Manuel said...

savannah: oh my! you let it all out....!

The Rantolotl said...

Food poisoning is fucking awful. It drives me insane when people get all twitchy about a rare steak and then carry on the next day about how ill they were - for starters, don't order a rare steak if you're not wanting something a bit of blood, and secondly, you might want to look at the amount of booze you consumed.

People are so stupid with food it's just not funny.

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

I had food poisoning in the Dominican one time back in 83 and it wasn't funny. Ruined the holiday. By the way I know this Blumenthal guy now as the write up on this vomiting going on was on page 3 of the Saturday paper. Now that is serious.

daisyfae said...

maybe the chef plans to whip up a special dessert for the purported victims.... something nice and loaded with chocolated laxative...

"i'll give you something to complain about, you fuckwit sheisters..."

MJ said...

I've been hospitalized with it.

Let's not speak of it ever again.

problemchildbride said...

Horrors!

People with food poisoning should not be left alone with sharp objects, because there are moments in sickness like that when death is truly preferable.

Jimmy Bastard said...

You cannae fake laying slippery chocolate maps in the back of your undercrackers when you have a dodgy belly.

Give the faker fuckers a family voucher for that horrible shite tasting Maccy D's. That'll teach em.

Manuel said...

the ranty: people ARE so stupid......

steve: ooh crikey! he's is a top drawer chef and this is killing him with over a hundred thousand quid lost so far.....

daisy: ha! yes that would be superb

mj: oh my....poor mj

sam: that is completely true.....it's like being repeatedly punched in the boat race by a professional boxer whilst a midget karate chops your belly.....ooooh

james: or we could just wrap a plank round the upside of their heads the cunts...!

Conan Drumm said...

Yes, the one time I was dodgily fed with consequences at a food emporium I was on to the public health authorities ASAP, not the restaurant.

Manuel said...

conan: yes proper order n that.....did they make you poo in a box? that's not so pleasant.....

Nil Zed said...

It's the numbers that don't make sense, given the logistics of food poisoning. It's a modern kitchen & he's a sciency kinda guy. They aren't cooking vats of stuff, but many smaller units. And I'm sure such a place has up to date cleaning machinary & methods. So for a bug to hit more than the few people served from a particular pan would be unusual.

How many seats in TFD, and how many turns in a night? Just to get 40 people sick would imply that some germ would have had to find it's way into multiple seperate pans of food. For that to happen, some incoming ingredient would have had to be dodgy--so TFD would not be solely responsible for the problem. If not that, then some universal thing like the water or the dishwashing process or the handle of the front door was contaminated.

If 400 are ill, even over the course of several days of service, then there would have to be something so hazardous and so contagious that most of the employees, and other in the village would be collapsing by now as well.

(When I had my round of it, one of my kids had it too. That was scary, I'd pass out between vomiting sessions, waking up to find my 4 yr old vomiting on me! "Mommy, me sick!" Yes, sweetie, I noticed. At one point, we were both alternating vomitting with sleeping curled together on the bathroom floor. Worst 48 hours of my life. She doesn't remember it.)

Manuel said...

Nil Zed: yeah every test they have done has come up blank.....everything and everybody from waiters to chefs has been tested and all with no result......it could have come from the general populous....who knows!?

ismybikeok said...

I've only had food poisoning once thankfully. I got it from a vegetarian burger... last time I trust someone who has to ask how to boil an egg to cook me dinner.

fmcgmccllc said...

Oh yea, had it a few times. Once was an episode where you really thought dying might be better. Or coming very soon. That was bad.

Only time I really knew where it came from was some sketchy melons from Mexico and I wasn't that sick for that long. We are talking couple hours twice. Course that is because I ate it again when I felt better. Wondered why I had this bad short-term hangover when I didn't drink. Local news cleared that up.

Farnk B said...

I had food poisoning in 1968 and remember it clearly to this day. I was in Viet Nam with a bunch of other guys and it was Thanksgiving Day, so they flew out hot turkey meals to us. Later that night, I watched as one after another popped out of his sleeping kit and ran down the hill to the two-holer. Then it hit me. It hit everyone in the battalion on top of that small hill except the three vegetarians. The two-holer wasn't enough. Enough said.

It's difficult to salute the officers without laugh when they don't have any trousers or pants on.

Boxer said...

I got food poisoning in 1986. I'm still not over it.

Red said...

So my sunday mornings are the equivalent of eating at the second best restaurant in the world.....think I'll stick with what I've go so....

raptureponies.com said...

I confess: i got COMPLETELY distracted by that unicorn picture!

Manuel said...

ismybikeok: vegetarian burger? oh my.....that makes me sick at the thought if it...

fmcgmccllc: oooooh crikey!

frank b: enough said is right.....you sure you didn't just make that up.....I mean vegetarian soldiers? hardly....

boxer: for sure.....I will never eat oysters again....

red: heh...yes

ponies: but isn't it!

Frank B said...

In those days we were all drafted. Being a vegetarian didn't get you out. If it had we would all have been vegans.

I don't know how I could prove it happened, but it was on FSB Helen on Thanksgiving Day and the day after, in 1969. We were the 3/187th Abn Infantry, 3rd Brigade, 101st Abn (Airmobile) Division.

Button Ginger said...

The Heston Blumenthal thing gets even weirder.

According to the local environmental health people it's not the food causing the poisoning.

It could be some sort of airborne thingy like the winter vomiting bug.

This means someone was already ill when they decided to "share" by going to The Fat Duck whilst still contagious.

Nice.

The fact that there are 400 claiming to be made ill does suggest shysters though.

jen said...

Oh yeah, the vomiting and losing everything in your system til you can't lose no more... and then you do. Eurgh. It's happened twice to me and you don't mistake it for an iffy ickle tummy. I have particularly fond, if rather hazy, memories of passing out in the shower after one, er, incident. Not enough left in the system to keep going, see - legs started started wobbling badly, things started going fuzzy, I screamed (although it was probably more of a pathetic 'eep') and B got to the bathroom door just in time to see me hit my head off the wall and slide down into the bath. Fun times, I tell ya.

Silverstar said...

Actually, it sounds more like a Norovirus and less like food poisoning to me. Noroviruses are the little devils that have caused such havoc on cruise ships, and are notoriously difficult to get rid of. The closed down the dining room and confined all the residents to their rooms at my Dad's retirement home when I was at his funeral. I also picked one up when I worked at a nursing home, and they are wicked. And they can easily infect 400 people.
I've also been on the other side of food poisoning when I was a student nurse. Some idiots decided to leave the food for a wedding reception in a car trunk on a 100 degree F. day, some of which was potato salad, with mayonnaise. Perfect set-up for salmonella. We had an emergency room full of people, and several were admitted. It was my joy to be assigned to go round to all the floors and pick up the night reports. I could tell if a salmonella patient was on the floor by the smell.

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