Cradling the porcelain...

I really feel for celebraty chef, Heston Blumenthal. Oh how the woe and gloom and headachery must envelop him. What started as a few people with dicky tum tums soon became 40 people with the uber shits and has since then has turned into one of the largest cases of mass (alleged) food poisoning in quite a while. There are now over 400 reported cases of pant pooing and dicky tumminess all involving the Fat Duck.

Oh my!

I mean the last time this many people heard the brown noise was when Bruce Willis did that god awful and quite shameful cover of Under the Boardwalk.

nothing worse than imaginary sickness

Now as you know I'm not a cynical person, much, but the fact that most of these claims of trouser trumpeting and uncontrollable boking came after good old Heston offered a free meal to all those affected by the outbreak of whatever the hell it was following a visit to his restaurant makes me think that some people are taking advantage of this messy situation.

The swines.

There is no doubting that something, whether it be the fault of the Fat Duck or not, has gone wrong but I also have no doubt that some people are at their lark. Over my near twenty years of schlepping plates to and from restaurant punters I have lost count of the many phone calls I've taken from people complaining of food poisoning. Normally from the same people who I have had to pour into taxis at the end of the night due to the imbibing of ridiculously large amounts of booze and hooch and hoochy booze. Personal responsibility is always eschewed in favour of blame, for where blame can can be laid compensation can be claimed.

"I was sick as a pig for the rest of the weekend. I was throwing up all day Sunday and was sure I was gonna die. And it was your chicken what done it. I'll be phoning the health authorities and the papers and, and, and, Steven Nolan.......Oh a voucher for a meal for two with wine included? Yeah that will do lovely, see you on Saturday."

That's how it goes. Customers pull scams. They do it with big balls and brass necks. They complain about food poisoning but neglect to mention the 10 pints of beer, 5 cocktails, and half bag of coke they took in the hours after they left the restaurant. No, no it was the chicken what done it, honest. They really do have diarrhea, verbal diarrhea.

The shit they come out with, "I thought it tasted off, but didn't want to say".What? You thought it tasted off but didn't want to say? You thought that it would be okay to eat something that tasted off? You fucking deserve to get food poisoned you idiot.

I suffered under the sweat filled ass raging yoke of food poisoning last year. And to my eternal shame so did my guest, Medbh. That said I couldn't possibly say what her symptoms were. But my ass was both sweating and raging. Have you ever had food poisoning? If you haven't spent two days clasping your bathroom porcelain whilst calling for the sweet and merciful release of death then you haven't been food poisoned. I was never so sicky bad in my life. It took me days to get over it and days to regain my full masterly control over my food. I was feared of it, I just didn't want to eat again.

That situation has since been rectified and those missing days when I couldn't eat have been made up for. Doubly so. Food poisoning is just so grim that you shouldn't anger the gods of karma by faking it. You'll see what I mean when you are doubled over projecting fluids from every hole, pore and fingernail.

But back to Heston and his woes, it's all a very far cry from the heady days of the recent past when The Fat Duck was named the Best Restaurant in the World and second best last year. Lets hope The Fat Duck doesn't become synonymous with food poisoning and the effects of it. Will the kids be complaining to their mothers that they cant go to school due to a bad case of the Fat Ducks? Or will it be, "I'm gonna Blumenthal all over the floor....ah man." Not so cool. No one wants their name to conjure up images of shit filled pants and sick covered chins, I mean just ask Adam Sandler.

Heh! I hate Adam Sandler. Not so fond of claims of fake food poisoning either.