Todd, the Toucher, was in again on Sunday for lunch but he wasn't his usual self. He was less demonstrative, less touchy handsy feely crotchy rubby than normal. [shudder] He seemed sad, well sadder than usual. Actually it's not accurate to describe him as being some sort of a sad sack as he is anything but. He is quite the dapper Dan in both appearance and outlook. If it wasn't for his less than appealing and constant crotch touching I think I would quite like to spend some time in the old duffers company. But he's a toucher so that ain't ever gonna happen.
No, something was up with Todd the Toucher. Even his perfectly tied Windsor knot seemed less tally ho than normal. I was in two minds whether or not to poke it out of him. I mean one could have been asking Pandora what she has in her secret little box. But fuck it, I went charging on in, out of concern you understand.
"Hey Todd, you okay today? You seem a little down?"
"Ah yes Manuel you noticed. How kind of you....", began Todd whilst clutching his sweaty hands. This was weird. I was wearing my Sunday shirt which is a little tighter than the rest of my work collection and normally this has Todd in a frenzy of under the table fiddling activity.
But not today.
"...It's my friend, he has past away, gone to the other side, Valhalla has called for him and I am alone once more with my thoughts and my sadness." His hands were gesticulating now like a Shakespearean actor.
Woe is me, and Todd, obviously.
Oh that's what you keep in your box Pandora. How nice. I just had to ask. I just couldn't have brought him a Gin and Tonic and a jug of water like he asked for. Oh no, not me. Because you cant just recite the specials and walk away can you? Well not after hearing that.
"Eh......er.....I'm so sorry to hear that Todd. Had your friend been ill?", that's right, delve a little deeper and see if you can get yourself an invite to the funeral.
"Yes, yes the old chap had been suffering for quite a while now. His bowels had gone, lost all control of them Manuel. Lost all control. You'd be out for a walk, we used to love a good brisk early morning walk and lo and behold he'd shit himself. Terrible stuff I can tell you. Just terrible. Didn't even know he had done it either, poor old chap."
"Right.....eh yes......terrible indeed". Sweet mother of Gordon Ramsay what had I done? All I could see in my mind, vividly at that, was a shit covered old codger and Todd the Toucher trying to help him. I nearly did a sick in my mouth.
"It's the end when the bowels go Manuel, the end. You have to treat them right and look after them. It's the end otherwise."
HELP! Proctological advice from Todd the Toucher? Christ no no no no. I nodded my head in a sombre fashion and tried to excuse myself from the table but I had opened the box myself and the pain and anguish was flowing, presumably like his late chums bowels.
"Wasn't that old either, just seventy last August he was." A little tear escaped from Todd's right eye. He was clearly still very upset at the loss of his friend. I felt bad for him.
"Seventy? You don't say. Still seventy is a good innings eh?", cliches are just fab when consoling the grieving. I followed this up with, "He's in a better place now" and "Well at least his pain is over." Good old cliches, because what the hell else do you say?
"And did your chum leave any children or family behind?"
"Yes, yes the old boy had quite a frisky life of it, not sure how many kids he had but there was at least fourteen at the last count", and then he winked at me. This was as unnerving as it was creepy.
"Sorry, fourteen?" Okay then, clearly Todd has had more than cornflakes for breakfast.
"Yes fourteen, that I know of. Well I suppose I'll have to get another one now", says Todd dabbing at his teary eye.
"Another gin?", odd because he hadn't even started on the first one yet.
"Gin? No, another dog! Probably get another Collie, lovely dogs Collies. Do you have dog yourself Manuel?"
"A dog? Your friend that died was a dog?"
"Yes, a border collie, lovely old fella he was too. Kept shitting himself though. Had to get the vet in, you know the old sleeping injection."
I walked away. I just walked away without saying another thing. I will never speak to him again let alone serve him, the creepy sleazy crotch rubber. Fucker had me all concerned for him and everything. The dog truly is in a better place now and all......