Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Todd the Toucher is a tedious tosser who takes thrills in touching himself in toilets

The music system has been at it again. This time with highly amusing results, well for me they were highly amusing. Then again I am easily amused. For example when the boss of bosses, the Great Leader, the dude from my pay cheques was in for lunch with his charming family it took to playing ABBA's Money Money Money whilst they were scoffing their roast beef and I was emptying the bin in the male toilets. Nice....

turn it up....

But it doesn't end there. It was Sunday afternoon and all was well. Barely a fork was being moved in anger. It was quiet, January quiet. Waiter Chum Number three and I had run out of conversation, such as it was, and had taken to sighing and heel kicking. What guests we had were either done or eating, either way they didn't need us. I went for a wander round the restaurant just to see if anybody wanted me, that's right I was touting for work - need your napkin folded sir? Jug of water madam? I can dance a little, you want me to dance sir? Cue a quick flurry of shuffling feet and jazz hands. Okay maybe not, but I was tempted.

There were no takers, just smiles of contentment. Bastards.

I went back to the bar and continued with the sighing and heel kicking. Waiter Chum Number Three smiled. I could feel my hair grow. Christ I could feel time actually slip very slowly by. I was fidgety.

"Every time you sigh you kill an angel"

Waiter Chum looked at me with a puzzled expression and said, "Really? Like actually?"

Bless.

"No, no I think it's just a saying", her little face was a picture of worry and guilt as if she suddenly realised she had sighed about a thousand times and that she was probably responsible for carnage and death on an unimaginable scale, in the angel world.

She smiled again and we went back to heel kicking and sighing. Well I did, Waiter Chum wasn't taking any chances. Then the door opened and in walked Todd the Toucher.

"Brilliant, this guy again." I said with a huge dollop of sarcasm.

Todd the Toucher is a tedious tosser who takes thrills in touching himself in toilets. And not just toilets either. Okay I've never actually seen him do it but you get the feeling that at any moment he could. Makes for quick and silent visits to his table.

Seriously.

He dines alone. On the face of it he is an affable enough sort of fellow - chatty and mannerly. But there is the issue of the touching and it's the sort of issue that makes your skin crawl. His hands wander under the table when he is waiting for his food. Actually that's not the worst part, his hands wander under the table when he is talking to you. And he leers at everything and everybody.

[Shudder]

So anyway Todd the Toucher was in and somebody had to deal with him, somebody named me. Obviously. I couldn't in good conscience send the sixteen year old teenage girl to serve him. He was in fine fettle and was chatting away when I noticed his hands moving under the table towards his crotch. There was much ruffling and what appeared to be stroking. Mother of jebus.

I got the order and practically ran from the table. But before I got to the bar the music changed from some dull easy listening classic/abomination or other to Radiohead's "Creep".

I burst out laughing right there and then. I couldn't stop myself.

Creep? Spot on. Still as creepy as Todd the Toucher is he is nothing in comparison to Sean the Shuffler. But that's a story for another day.

Is it any wonder I shower when I get home......

18 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Hee.
I had a regular like that with a face that look like he shaved with a fucking cheese grater.
The world is littered with perverts.

Once when I was a manager at this resto which turned into a nightclub, the waiters were telling me about a woman giving a dude a hand job at the table. By the time I got there, he had a stain on his shirt and the other tables were applauding. Yack.

Manuel said...

medbh: applauding? eeeewww.....dirty dirty people...

Captain Smack said...

"Every time you sigh you kill an angel"

I can't help but wonder where an angel would go if they died...

Manuel said...

captain smack: denver? just a thought....

Dennis said...

Jebus, that's funny, Manny.

And thanks for the link. I assume you'll visit the blog regularly? Ha.

Dennis

The Mutant said...

I dunno Manuel, maybe you should take it as a compliment, they guy is obviously so thrilled to have you at his table that he's decided on a quick hand-shandy to celebrate your presence. I mean I'd be impressed by that, maybe... if I didn't run of to bring it to everyone elses attention first or duck behind the bar to throw bread rolls at him.

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

That is pretty disgusting. Luckily it wasn't busy or then again maybe it's better if it is when Todd walks in.

MJ said...

*cues Chuck Berry singing My Ding A Ling*

Mr. DNA said...

“We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to Anyone”

Don't you guys have this phrase over there?

Manuel said...

Dennis: I've been over twice already but everytime I settle down for a little read, something happens and i get called away.......it;s all very annoying.......will be round later....

the mutant: NO! no no no no.......manuel does not condone ham shanks in the work place ever.......he's a creep...in fact he gives creeps a bad name....

steve: I'm setting up a gun sentry.....take him out before he gets to the door......

mj: bwahahahaha

mr dna: not in January apparently....

Jill said...

yuk yuk yuk yuk.

Manuel said...

jill: you should have been there......!

Eolai said...

This reminds me of, well things I really didn't want to be reminded of, thanks.

Like the time I was in the jax in Euston in London and a guy said hello to me through the frosted glass panel in my stall door. Only he didn't actually say anything; he was all, em, actions.

Conan Drumm said...

Either Todd likes you Manuel, in that SPECIAL way, or he's a restaurant critic surreptitiously writing notes under the table.

I would imagine that restaurant critics are frequently creeps.

psychoknitter said...

Eewww.

Killer said...

visit http://killertalkingcrap.blogspot.com

toodle pip

jen said...

I used to work in a place where the creep of a boss who made no secret of the fact that he perved over all the girls working there and if you were behind the bar he would just 'have' to squeeze past everyone, including the girls. But he seemed to take longer getting past the girls.

I left. As quick as humanly possible. It's to my eternal regret that I didn't punch his lights out.

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