Todd the Toucher is a tedious tosser who takes thrills in touching himself in toilets

The music system has been at it again. This time with highly amusing results, well for me they were highly amusing. Then again I am easily amused. For example when the boss of bosses, the Great Leader, the dude from my pay cheques was in for lunch with his charming family it took to playing ABBA's Money Money Money whilst they were scoffing their roast beef and I was emptying the bin in the male toilets. Nice....

turn it up....

But it doesn't end there. It was Sunday afternoon and all was well. Barely a fork was being moved in anger. It was quiet, January quiet. Waiter Chum Number three and I had run out of conversation, such as it was, and had taken to sighing and heel kicking. What guests we had were either done or eating, either way they didn't need us. I went for a wander round the restaurant just to see if anybody wanted me, that's right I was touting for work - need your napkin folded sir? Jug of water madam? I can dance a little, you want me to dance sir? Cue a quick flurry of shuffling feet and jazz hands. Okay maybe not, but I was tempted.

There were no takers, just smiles of contentment. Bastards.

I went back to the bar and continued with the sighing and heel kicking. Waiter Chum Number Three smiled. I could feel my hair grow. Christ I could feel time actually slip very slowly by. I was fidgety.

"Every time you sigh you kill an angel"

Waiter Chum looked at me with a puzzled expression and said, "Really? Like actually?"

Bless.

"No, no I think it's just a saying", her little face was a picture of worry and guilt as if she suddenly realised she had sighed about a thousand times and that she was probably responsible for carnage and death on an unimaginable scale, in the angel world.

She smiled again and we went back to heel kicking and sighing. Well I did, Waiter Chum wasn't taking any chances. Then the door opened and in walked Todd the Toucher.

"Brilliant, this guy again." I said with a huge dollop of sarcasm.

Todd the Toucher is a tedious tosser who takes thrills in touching himself in toilets. And not just toilets either. Okay I've never actually seen him do it but you get the feeling that at any moment he could. Makes for quick and silent visits to his table.

Seriously.

He dines alone. On the face of it he is an affable enough sort of fellow - chatty and mannerly. But there is the issue of the touching and it's the sort of issue that makes your skin crawl. His hands wander under the table when he is waiting for his food. Actually that's not the worst part, his hands wander under the table when he is talking to you. And he leers at everything and everybody.

[Shudder]

So anyway Todd the Toucher was in and somebody had to deal with him, somebody named me. Obviously. I couldn't in good conscience send the sixteen year old teenage girl to serve him. He was in fine fettle and was chatting away when I noticed his hands moving under the table towards his crotch. There was much ruffling and what appeared to be stroking. Mother of jebus.

I got the order and practically ran from the table. But before I got to the bar the music changed from some dull easy listening classic/abomination or other to Radiohead's "Creep".

I burst out laughing right there and then. I couldn't stop myself.

Creep? Spot on. Still as creepy as Todd the Toucher is he is nothing in comparison to Sean the Shuffler. But that's a story for another day.

Is it any wonder I shower when I get home......