Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Bob's back.....worse luck.....

The builders are back, which is a massive pain in my bottom. And if you cast your mind back to May you will know that I don't particularly welcome this reappearance of Bob and all his builder chums. They aren't working next door, although that did go on for bloody months, honestly it must like a palace in there now. No, they have set up camp somewhere closer to my heart, somewhere were it hurts me more, that's right in the bosom of my restaurant.

I hate you Bob
I hate all your friends too...

For the love of Gordon Ramsay's Mother is nothing sacred?! You take a week off to relax and recuperate and wander aimlessly round the boulevards of Paris and come back to dust sheets, painters, hammerers, bodgers, standing abouters, and general chaos. The first time I realised something was afoot was when I spotted the large bottle of Pepsi Max and box of Jaffa Cakes perched on table 26 beside some sparkly polished glasses and cutlery. We don't do Jaffa Cakes and large bottles of Pepsi freaking Max. Obviously.

"Who the fuck left this shit?", I shouted out at no one in particular.

"'Er mine mate", came a voice from the wilderness. And as I lifted my head up to find the unknown voice the full splendor and magnitude of the work revealed itself to me. I spotted the Jaffa Cakes but not the pink walls. What does that say about me?

"The walls? They...they...sweet baby jesus in the manger....they're pink!" I stood there aghast at the horror of it all.

"Nah mate...", says yer man "...they're wine nat pink."

"Ohh They're wine nat pink...", replies I in a huffy mocking way. "That's pink, sweet mother of ....that's pink!"

"Anestly it's wine, your just nat looking at it right", continues Leonardo.

"How the hell am I meant to look at it? It's wine alright, rose bloody wine." Restaurant walls shouldn't come with viewing instructions, it's not meant to be a seeing eye poster. Oh look I can see Yoda!

It's true the restaurant needed brightened up but this was ridiculous. As I ventured round the restaurant, avoiding tins of paint, broken glasses, more Jaffa Cakes and men not doing anything I discovered that the "pink" walls were only in one section, my section. Or what used to be my section, I think there may be a reevaluation of who does what over the next week. Don't get me wrong it's not a macho thing, it's just way too bright for my liking. I feel I should be offering people shoes not fillet steaks.

The varied collection of builders, plasterers, hammerers, bodgers, sawers, and assorted assistants/tea boys were all supposed to be done by 4.30. It was now 4.20 and not a child in the house had been washed and not a fucking tool put away. I was stressed. Don't they know I'm off the smokes and as a consequence as tense as a bag of rottweilers in a nursery. It wouldn't have taken much to push me over the edge and into a frenzy of swearing and quite probably foot stamping too.

"Aye......", says the lead bodgerer "...we'll have you open for five son, never worry". There was nothing in the way he said it that had me convinced. Shit if he had been wearing a black and white coat you would have thought he was a cow meandering through a grassy meadow on a summers day such was his relaxed attitude. Cunty balls. Honestly it was like setting up a restaurant in a lumber yard. Whatever one of those is, someone else said it.

What I needed was a montage, a clearing up and putting stuff away montage. But real life doesn't offer such a thing. Worse luck. So I tried to help. But I was as useful as Yoda is tall. I have a simple policy when it comes to binning things, if if looks shit, talks like shit, smells like shit then it probably is shit so I bin it. But it appears that one mans shit is another mans double cut bevelled u- bend hammer saw or something like that. I was like one of those kids you see helping their dad in the garage with a brush and shovel play set. I finally got fucked off with it all when I was moving chairs one at a time from one side of the restaurant to the other only to be passed by one Jim Lad carrying three at a time. So I left them to it and went for a smoke pear. A lovely juicy pear.

And then, just like one of those make over programmes, the bodgerers and bluffers and painters etc all disappeared and I was left standing, alone, in a half painted half built restaurant. With many many Mods (I hate Mods by the way, I think it's the ghastly hair and silly jackets that annoy me so much) booked for dinner the race was on to make the place presentable. We got it done, but only just. It's at times like that when I would normally turn to the silky satisfaction of a hand rolled cigarette. But not any more, now it's pears. So disappointing.

I have a full restaurant booked for Friday night. They had better have it all completed by then. There are only so many pears I can eat before I go proper mental.

23 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Easy on the pears, Manuel, or you'll be pooping your brains out!

The builders must fear that they won't be paid if they're not finished by Friday, right?

Manuel said...

medbh: pears, nuts, apples, bananas, and more nuts......I'll be spending the next few days on the loo i think.....

not getting paid is one thing, dealing with my freak out will be another.....

belfastyouthworker said...

"anestly"! love it! our wee country!



*emigrates*

Manuel said...

byw: at least you got it......i hate that "our wee country" bullshit.....It's so small time...I'll go with you...

nialler9 said...

love how the pepsi max and jaffa cakes is a dead giveaway, like you've entered some familiar place in a parallel universe all of a sudden. something is not quite right..

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

I hate working when things are being remodelled around me. I can imagine the dust flying around. Not good for an open restaurant or the customer. Better just to close it for the day and have the workers work around the clock to finish it as fast as possible.Before the weekend that is.....

daisyfae said...

"Cunty Balls"? Don't those go with the Jaffa Cakes?

MJ said...

Is there something I should know about Jaffa Cakes?

I tried my first one recently but did not get an urge to strap on a tool belt or operate a jackhammer.

Red hair, Red face said...

Jesus Manuel...talk about a shit time to go off the cigs....STAY STORNG!

conortje said...

did the place not stink of paint - rather offputting at dinner time I would have thought.

Manuel said...

oh the fucking irony of this post.....my sitting room looks like aqua mans front room......so so much water......can I find a plumber? I'll be smoking if anyone needs me.....

Conan Drumm said...

Rosé walls? What's that, Barbie's restaurant?



Oh no to the floods, is the source external or internal? Stay cool... have another pear...

paddy said...

you poor bugger.I'd send my plumber mate round but he's 12 thousand miles away - is there a guy the restaurant uses? Sometimes there are 24 hour guys who do commercial work who might do a cash job if the right person calls them..

Crispy said...

Conference, Rocha or Tesco Value Brand?
Be strong...no more cigs!! Have a slab of chocolate, I always find it most relaxing in a crisis!!!

red leeroy said...

I am surprised you were not blinded by the total eclipse of a builders arse crack as he struggled pick up a box of fallen screws....It'll happen before Friday I'm sure.

Silverstar said...

Having just gotten back from having windows put in my apartment, you have my empathy. I didn't have to put up with the workers, but I had to pack up half my shit so they could do the work. I got a four day vacation in a motel, all expenses paid. But it still was a pain in the arse. And I have brown paper and masking tape as a window treatment until they get around to putting in the new blinds. If I have to pack up again for that, I will shoot somebody.

Could you send the pink walls over here? I wish they had painted my apartment something besides this light-sucking, gross, gray-green while they were at it.

sheepworrier said...

If you did have a ciggy, chalk it off as a moment of weakness and go off them again straight away - you really cant let one smoke turn into a day or a week of smoking, thinking that you'll put it off till tomorrow or next week or new year or whenever.

Manuel said...

it;s been such a fucking awful day you have no idea.....more soon....no doubt

Red hair, Red face said...

There's no shame in a sneaky cig Manuel....i have bout 20 sneaky ones a day...it's completely acceptable......except inside...... or at an incubator....

psychoknitter said...

Pink? eew.

A.B. said...

I hate noise - dripping water makes me insane so I can't even READ about noise, much less endure what you're going though.

At least your home is safe from dust and noise.

vicky said...

on no i know that feeling alright totally love your blog by the way just one question why pink walls?

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