I've got this terrible habit actually if I'm being honest I have many terrible habits, some are clearly more terrible than others, but this one in particular can occasionally get me into trouble. It's my constant narration whilst working. I don't know why I do it but I do, all the time. Now it's fine if I'm working behind the bar setting up drinks and crafting beautiful coffees, I do make beautiful coffees. I mean who cares if the affable looking waiter appears to be talking to himself if there is no one around to hear but sometimes I continue doing it when I'm at a table.
"Right I'll just move the salt and pepper and put the chips there..." or "I'll just drop these and lift that.." All fairly innocuous and rarely raises an eyebrow. I don't do it out loud and tend to use a low whisper in fact sometimes I'm barely audible. Well that's what I thought.
When it's busy or even when you just have a couple of tables at the one time you are always thinking ahead. You might be serving a lovely two top their duck and chips (Jesus wept! Duck and chips?) but you're thinking about the fatty four top's chocolate cakes and why they still haven't materialized from the dark place. You'll be wishing them "bon appetit" whilst thinking about how to structure your argument with the kitchen monkeys. You cant just launch straight in with the same sarcastic attack every time and I'm sure they appreciate, although they never say it, a new witty remark as I storm into the kitchen mouth first.
"Someone die in here?" or
"When did the strike start lads?" or
"The lady on table says that she cant stay for breakfast so is there any fucking chance of her getting her dinner tonight?!"
and so on. You get the point. They love me in the kitchen.
Any hoo as I was serving the duo of duckies for the lovely two top I was thinking about the lack of chocolate cake. I could see the fatty four top getting anxious, they were clutching their spoons like warriors waiting to go over the top. I'm sure there was sweat running down them at that. I was as anxious as they were. And before I knew what I was doing or saying I blurted out, "Right, you're sorted now to get fatty four top's cakes." To which the duck muncher replied,
You could physically hear the arse drop out of my world. "Shit, I'm for it now", I thought. Great, now I'm internalizing my thoughts, couldn't have done that a moment ago could I?!
"Sorry sir, what?"
"You said something about cake?", asked the nice man with duck jus on his mustache which was creeping me out a bit. I wanted to dab at it with a napkin but didn't, obviously. I had enough problems to be dealing with without adding to them. I mean imagine the horror of the waiter dabbing at your whiskery top lip with a napkin!
"Cake sir? Eh.....um...er.....don't think so? Prevarication was the best way out of this sticky cake free mess. Either that or a cute puppy in a hat, "Ah look at the cute puppy, it's in a hat."And as I didn't have a cute puppy either in or out of a hat I went down the route of bullshitting the punter.
"Do you want to see the sweet menu now sir?", I asked with a feigned look of puzzlement. Best if the customer thinks he's mental rather than me.
"Hmmmm....", says he and looking back towards the kitchen he adds, "...I think there's the fatties cake now."
He pointed his duck laden and dripping with jus fork in the direction of the cakes. I took this as my queue to leave and I did just that without adding any further to bullshit to this sorry situation.
He knew what I had said and knew I was trying to wriggle out of it. So he made me squirm for the rest of the night. Which was nice. But he didn't kick up a fuss and even remarked that that table need chocolate cake in the same way that Barack Obama needs new problems.
I have resolved to stop doing it once I get over the smoking situation, well either that or I'm gonna start doing a Morgan Freeman accent. Who doesn't like Morgan Freeman's voice? He could call me a cunt, and why wouldn't he, and it would still sound like sweetness.
Right, post done must get a cup of tea and then check and see what all the other blog fuckers are up to.....joke....hehehehe