It's been quite a while now since Eddie, our Lothario in residence, retired from this most important of positions. He hung up his banana hammock and decommissioned his lusty lines in favour of the happiness that can only be found in the certainty and joy of that one special person. And by all accounts he has remained true to this new way of living. Who'd a thunk it?
Since his retirement the position of Lothario in residence, romancer of the willing or if you will, man whore, has remained vacant. Numerous candidates have applied and most have been found wanting - mainly a cold shower at that. But it has been a summer of slapped faces and bruised egos. Some of these kids have all the subtlety of Donald "I don't do diplomacy" Rumsfeld. That said, it is more shock and awh than shock and awe.
natures desperate case....
Each refusal marked more than each candidates face it also marked their elimination from the race. Every staff get together, whether it be drinks after work or the hormonal pressure cooker that is a full staff party, was akin to the state by state battle of the Presidential Primaries. So just like the race for the White House it has come down to just two horny hopefuls. The differences in appearance and style between the nominees in the Presidential contest is mirrored in the race to be Romancer in Chief. There is no significant age difference nor is there a difference of ethnicity. No our boys are far less subtle than that. That's right I said less subtle.
This is a battle between a man with a beard and a man who probably only has to shave once a fortnight. Whilst this, at first glance, is the most obvious difference between them there are many many other traits, attributes and mannerisms that set one apart from the other.
First up is the mild mannered and softly spoken uber geek, The Beard. As his name suggests he is a very hirsute chap. His style, if that's what you can call it, is to befriend the ladies he loves and then lure them back to his student digs for a fun night playing Guitar Hero. His fondness for Guitar Hero is matched only by his love of the ladies. He is almost like a one man welcoming committee for new female staff. Within a day or two of a new person starting The Beard will have invited them out for a post work beverage and questioned them on their aptitude for playing electronic fake guitars. The Beard prefers a long game and takes his time to become friends with the lady in question. This is seen as his strength and ironically his weakness as he often becomes the new best friend and as we all know, best friends don't get it on.
Well they shouldn't.
The second runner is The Buckle. By contrast to The Beard The Buckle is outwardly flash and in every way he appears to be the consummate ladies man. He gets his name from a very very over the top belt buckle of a rams head. It's screams testosterone and in many ways desperation. By many ways I really mean in every way. Actually I'm sure there is a button on it that probably does allow it to scream and light up and most likely spray cologne. The buckle sits atop an overly tight pair of trousers. I'm talking tighter than lycra in certain points. The Buckle's style is to come on strong with charming lines and compliments. Despite all the bravado and belt buckles with sheep on them The Buckle just wants to be loved and to love. This is never more evident when he is let loose at the music box. He will select every power ballad, love song, and soppy duet that it has to offer. I mean the next time, and that will probably be Monday night, I hear "I wanna know what love is" by fucking Foreigner I'm gonna bust his buckle over his head.
The Buckle is as lucky in love as The Beard that is to say he is exceptionally unlucky. They both flirt with success only to have it snatched cruelly away by bigger boys with better beards and shinier belt buckles. But like Messrs McCain and Obama the day of judgement is approaching. For all concerned the race will come to a head in the first week of November. Our next staff party is on the Sunday before the vote for the next US President.
Will The Beard's long game find him playing rock duets on Guitar Hero or will he be left as a one man band? Will The Buckle ever find out what love is or is he destined to spend his evenings shining his rams head alone whilst listening to Cheap Trick's "I want you to want me"?
Who knows? But it is great fun to watch from afar.
It should also be noted that the only person to get any real action was of course a woman. She only worked with us for a while, but she arrived in a flash, got hers, then left. As she often put it in her American/Russian twang, "Awesome."
That, boys, is how it's done.