Friday, 26 October 2007

Who will take his place?

"Eddie" started the same time as me, but Thursday was his last shift. He is moving on to a new place filled with the same sort of customers and the same sort of customer issues. In honour of Eddie I have decided to re-post a bit I did about him way back in the early days of WellDoneFillet when nobody read it. Ah those were simpler times.....Farewell Eddie, just think of all those lovely new ladies.......


"Eddie" The Gentleman Whore (Names have been changed to protect the guilty)

Every restaurant/bar is staffed by enough freaks to stock a carnival. The bigger the freak you are the longer you can last in this industry. That's why normal people don't last very long and eventually leave and get a "real job". In reality they are just moving to a job that is staffed by people that have the same carnival genes as them! Clearly I am speaking metaphorically here, well to a point, I have worked with a few bearded ladies and John Merrick types over the years. No, the freak gene I refer to manifests itself by interfering with the logic receptors on your brain. It scrambles that part of your brain that puts up with shit, that puts up with abuse from customers, that keeps you from leaving. It's caused by "barteria" (see what I did there?). This barteria seeps into your blood and goes directly to your brain. Once there it grows over your logic receptors like mould on bread. The longer you work in bars/restaurants the harder it is to leave. It's not your fault, it's the barteria.

The characters are the same from outlet to outlet. There will be a mixture of psychotics, whore's (both male and female), the trendy kids, loners (who aren't psychotics), spides, and management suck ups. These can be divided further. Spides for example can be both malignant (they will rob your bag, your tips, your house when your at work) and benign (they can get you pirate dvd's, they can get anything chipped, they "know" people who can get drugs). But today I want to concentrate on the whores, specifically a man whore. Lets call him "Eddie".

Eddie likes the ladies and the ladies like Eddie. I am secure enough in my sexuality to say that Eddie is a good looking guy, no Manuel but hey! Eddie has nailed them all, customers and staff. It's getting to the point were it would be easier just to schedule it as part of a new employee's first week. Day one orientation, Day two beverage training, Day three introduction to Eddie, Day four food service, Day five sleep with Eddie! Eddie is a legend there is no doubt about it. But what makes Eddie a bigger legend is that he doesn't boast about his liaisons. He fills his boots and moves on. I respect that. Most if not all male whores shout about their conquests, as they see it. Eddie remains the gentleman. But in this incestuous world of hospitality it always leaks out. And when you ask him about it he will confirm or deny as is appropriate. The other bit that makes him a legend is his ability to work with or serve these people after the event. There is never an atmosphere or even a hint of bitterness. He is also very selective, choosing only those ladies that are actually nice people. It's remarkable if you ask me. Hey, maybe he doesn't actually sleep with them, maybe he just hugs and listens to their problems.
Clutching at straws?
Bitter?
Me?

So who will take his place? You?

23 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

John Cav said...

My mate is a chef. I worked in the same bar/restaurant as him for two years. He was very much an "Eddie", although he kept it amongst the waitresses. Most of the girls were lovely too, and there were never any hard feelings afterwards... The cad.

I am very much of the no defecation on your own doorstep school vis-a-vis "Eddie"ing. Afraid I do not possess the requisite charm gene. Whilst sober.

Manuel said...

John: Me either. God anytime, in the past, that I dibbled with co-workers it always turned into a bloody nightmare. I am not a stalker, the judge said so.....

savannah said...

i sleep with my boss, but then i am married to him, but i digress...anyway, outside of that bit...lenny bruce said it best: don't shit where you eat!

bendersbetterbrother said...

I've a mate like Eddie. He's travelling at the minute, but what larks we had in the Big City of a weekend. Naturally they all came back for more. Looks a bit like Charlie Drake and all. I can't begin to understand it.

Upset Waitress said...

I work with an Eddie. He can't drink orange juice. He says it makes his Herpes outbreak. Poor fellow. =(

Anonymous Boxer said...

I REALLY THINK U.WRESTLER WILL BRING A CERTAIN CLASS TO YOUR RESTAURANT.

Shove off, Eddie.

Upset Waitress said...

Hah! "Shove off Eddie" It's going into my lingo page manana=) Love you man!

Sassy Sundry said...

Nope. I won't be replacing Eddie. I left my gig waiting tables (the other ladies hated me because I was in college) for one trying to prevent crazy children from drowning.

By the way, I love you. Thanks for cheering on the Sox!

sheepworrier said...

Shite pay, long hours, possible nervous breakdown, and working every weekend? Where do i sign up?

I worked with an Eddie about 4 years ago in my barman heyday. Really nice fella, good lookin, no probs with the 'conquests' afterwards etc.
I met him a few weeks ago and whatever skills he had with the ladies have completely deserted him - he was rude, loud and had all the aesthetic qualities and charm of a dose of diarrhea.

ellie said...

Damn! I have never worked with an Eddie. Although I have come across more than a few Edwin's in my time.

Opps that sounds bad! You know what I mean. :)

Old Knudsen said...

Eddie had kids North and South of the border and talks more bullshit than I do, the younger gurls find him creepy cos he hugs them.

He once told me he was a medic in the Irish army, do the Irish even have an army? if so why?

On yer bike Eddie you dyslexic cnut.

Manuel said...

Savannah: Sweet, the first part that is, the second is just great advice

BBB: Good things happen to ugly people, fact

Upset Waitress: EEK!

BOXER: He knows what he likes.....

Upset Waitress: Eddie is a giver

Sassy: Hell yeah go Sox!

Sheepo: Used and bitter, like Robbie Williams

Ellie: Hehehehehehe

Old Knudsen: Fcuk you

Conan Drumm said...

So why's he going, your fast Eddie? Has he been poached, or are your waters fished out?

Manuel said...

Conan Drumm: The grass is greener and all that......Oh and the wages are better...

Medbh said...

I had sex with an Eddie-type years ago. He was so much fun and we did the whole fuck buddy occasional hook ups.
And then he cracked and said he wanted me to be the mother of his babies blah blah.

Manuel said...

Medbh: Hahahahaha heartbreaker.....

Conan Drumm said...

And I bet he does well with the tips too?

Manuel said...

Conan: He did ok, but in this game we call waiting you can choose sex or money. I get the money he gets the sex......

Mudflapgypsy said...

Eddie must exude that pheromone that makes women wanna rip his clothes off.

Unfortunately, I don't.
Handy now that I am married but when I was younger it would have made life much more fun!

Lucky Eddie -the gentleman cad.

Savannah, I agree with Lenny too. I've seen too many embarassments caused in the workplace because of "flings/one night stands etc".

Manuel said...

Flapilicious: Me, you, and most men. I'm well and truly over all that now thankfully....

Niall said...

he left!! dammit! i always wish i was eddie

Manuel said...

Niall: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA No chance......

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