Thursday, 11 September 2008

Who's the Web Master now Chummy?

I woke up early yesterday and immediately realised all was not well. Being awake at 7.34am on my day off is in itself not a good start but it was more than that - my sinuses were blocked, my throat felt like it contained the innards of a vacuum cleaner and my mouth wasn't very pleasant either. Clearly I blamed Spiderbastard. He had now taken to chemical/germ warfare. Either that or a few days of little to no sleep had left my defenses low.

Either way Spiderbastard was to blame.

I was sick, not in a sleeping with your own sister kind of way but rather in a soup and sympathy sort of way. I'm paranoid at the best of times but why on my day off? I haven't taken a day off sick from work in over 6 years. It's not out of loyalty or greed but I'm just never sick on work days, worse luck. Oh how I must be due the guilty pleasure of a "sick" day, sneaking out to the shop hoping no one I know sees me and what have you. Never done it, maybe I never will, maybe I'll do it this weekend. Who knows?!

I managed to roll over and drift back into a fairly uncomfortable sleep. Too many wacky dreams - horses dancing around trees and the lyrics to "Bridge over Troubled Water" on repeat for it to be considered a decent sleep. I don't even like Simon and his Uncle, not such a big fan of dancing horses either. I eventually gave in and got up about half ten. I cancelled my lunch plans with my chum, The Boy Who Sings Backwards. He wasn't best pleased, "Wank, I'm starvn" came the response via text message.

Charming.

I shuffled round the house wearing appropriate clothing for a day of sickness- dirty t shirt, huge sweater (aren't all your jumpers huge -LMM) and baggy combat pants and socks that didn't match. I looked for sympathy but neither the all knowing Macs nor the TV provided me with the succor I needed. Damn their godless, shiny, souls. I sent a message to the love of my life and picker upper after me, Little Miss Manuel, but alas she was all tapped out of sympathy. Heard it all before apparently, "you won't die from a cold" was the best I got.

I've never been sure whether it's, "feed a cold, starve a fever" or the other way round. It matters not as I just change things to ensure I can eat large quantities without any guilt. Not that I suffer from any eating anxiety, unless the pizza shop is about to close that is. Various foods were removed from the fridge and cupboards, none of which could be considered healthy super foods. Eggs and bacon are still super foods to me, but they rarely make it onto even the most laziest nutritionists approved lists.

Anyway I was sick, not training for the marathon. Scrambled eggs and bacon on pancakes would make me feel much happier than any bowl of seeds, nuts, or goddamned fruit could ever do. As it happens it did not make me feel better or indeed happy. It slithered down my throat in the most unappealing way. This was most disappointing.

So I revisited the kitchen and who should I spy from the corner of my red puffy eyes? That's right my nemesis, my tormentor, the ruiner of sleep and all round pain in the ass - Spiderbastard! I caught him off guard, he was cornered between the wall and the door.


me
but less tall and with a runny nose
and it was a brush not a big stick
but you get the moody point......


No escape. Not this time.

"Oh am I not in the mood for your shenanigans matey. You may be an internet sensation and talk of your own web but your time had come. I am the webmaster in this house."

I giggled at my web pun.

"No time for giggling." I thought as I reached for the floor brush. Being as bald as a coot I have no other brushes in this house. And with one swift stab Spiderbastard was no more. I went for another stab and then another and then another. It was horrific. I felt my imaginary friend pull me back telling me,

"It's over man, it's over, he's gone......it's.......over" as he took the brush from my hand.

I've seen enough horror movies to know it's never really over. I wasn't gonna give the fucker the chance to twitch one of his broken legs in an act of defiance a la every scary movie ever. There would be no Spiderbastard 2 - The Web Masters Revenge. No this would end today. So I scooped him up with a dustpan and took him to the bin outside. The theme tune to Halloween playing in my head.

I paused, briefly, before I dropped him in with the used tea bags and things I should have recycled but couldn't have been arsed to and as the music (in my head) went quiet I said, "There's only room for one Web Master in this house and that ain't you."

It wasn't snappy enough and I felt Spiderbastard deserved a better final line but it was raining and I have the cold so I slammed the bin lid shut and walked back into the house. The lonely man walking away music from The Incredible Hulk accompanied me.

I felt bad for Spiderbastard's family, would they realise what had happened? Would his many many kids spend their lives seeking revenge? Would his wife find love again? Then I remembered it was a spider, admittedly a Spiderbastard, but a still just a spider and not capable of such emotions, despite what PETA might say.

But it's over now......isn't it?

32 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Spider's Widow said...

It's just begun you bastard!

Manuel said...

spiderbastard's widow: bwahahahahaha

eguinan said...

You're coming back as one of them now, you know.

Sniffle&Cry said...

"Simon and his Uncle" heh and hah, double excellent.

The walking away music from the Hulk, even better.

It can't be over Manuel. But the balance of power has shifted. You are the Mandy of the spider world, the spider king maker.

There is merchandising and follow on, you have duty and guilt.

Sinus, bah, spit them out till they bleed, then they're better.

I miss spidey bastard already. You're some bastard, you are.

Manuel said...

eguinan: yes but i'll know my place and stick to it.......under the fridge and not on top of beds.....

sniffle and cry: maybe a blog of it's own....based on training and the art of counter insurgency....there's potential in dead spiders....

Maxi Cane said...

Manuel thought it was over.

He was wrong.

Coming soon to a duvet near you.....

"Spiderbastard 2 - The Web-enge"

Manuel said...

maxi: damn it.....that's good.......we should do a joint pots...[ahem cough cough]

Medbh said...

Always, always, always flush them down the toilet. You don't want to give them any chance to revive themselves and take revenge, Manuel. Or a kitchen drain disposal would help destroy the body.

daisyfae said...

medbh is right - flush twice, too.

however, if you can add a flaming send off? prevents the return of a zombie spider. can of hairspray and a lighter -- right before flushing (lift the lid).

yes. i'm serious. hate those motherfucking things, and they must burn and drown and be dismembered. i'd nuke 'em if it weren't for the collateral damage and environmental problems...

Anonymous said...

Likely it was a spiderbitch and left dozens of egg sacks all over the house.

Revenge of the spiderbabies.

Zayrina

fatmammycat said...

"Don't worry Spiderbastard, your brother, Orbmaster will avenge you!"

Red hair, Red face said...

I can imagine it now! you with tiny spiderbastard blood spatters on your shoes....how long before spiderbastards goodcop brother comes to avenge him in order to make up for years of family feuding....I have a slugbastard that guards the front door every morning..pure evil

gimme a minute said...

You should have fashioned some class of evil-warding amulet from his crushed body.

Personally though, I'd rather go naked than wear Spiderbastard.

redleeroy said...

I feel a sense of loss. Even though he was not my nemesis.

conortje said...

you caught a cold from a spider???? Manuel, dear waiter, it was a fever - of that I'm sure :-)

English Mum said...

I'm with Medbh. They're not really dead 'til they're flushed. I've had them come back to life before. #2 has one squashed between his bed and the wall - completely mummified. One day I'll pick it off but it gives me perverse pleasure to see it stuck there every time I make the bed. Heh.

dave said...

You bastard!

Any feckin wonder it's raining so much!

Kenny Wisdom said...

Shame on you, Seamus. Shame.

What was wrong with the old tried and tested glass and paper routine? Glass over Mr. Spider, sheet of paper underneath. Nice and safe, easy to despatch ten miles from your house, or so.

Shame.

Timo said...

And somewhere, in a warm and moist space, a hundred soft eggs gleam with a white sickly shine until the day when the spawn of Spiderbastard will return. Because really, Spiderbastard was a Spiderbitch! Think about it: Male spiders are always tiny, it's the females who are Rosie O'Donnel-big....

AnFearBui said...

It's not over....
This is only the first of many legs
Badum..tish

Manuel said...

medbh: smashing it to pieces and popping in the bin seemed to work too...

daisyfae: wow and I thought it was just me.....

anonymous: no no no no no no........why would you say that?

fmc: no. no orbmaster.......aaarrgggghhhh!

red hair, red face: will people please stop saying that....

gimme: pop his head on a cocktail stick type of thing eh.....I did consider it....

redleeroy: me too...feel a bit like che...maybe I shall next door and see if they need their spiders taken care of......

conortje: does that mean I can eat more? it's important

Mudflapgypsy said...

Spiderbite fever, that's what you have.

Did you know that spiders ears are in their legs? ;-)

Red hair, Red face said...

We're just trying to prepare you for the worst!

Steve said...

I have been to Ireland only once but there must be a lot of deadly spiders there.Just be careful maybe this one left eggs all over your place.

Manuel said...

english mum: it's a warning to the rest of them....!

dave: oh yeah......hahahahaha..forgot about that...

kenny wisdom: I tried being nice but he wanted a fight.....! what was I to do....you don't know man, you just don't know.....

timo: welcome! stop it! stop it now!

anfearbui: quality....

muddy: I did not know that....thank you.....I think

red hair red face: stop it!

steve: STOP IT!!! jesus I'm gonna have to sleep with my eyes open....

sheepworrier said...

You ever seen a spider's nest? Fucking huge pulsating splodge of spider babies! Creeped me the feck out.

Trekkie said...

"He had clearly been preparing for this as he seemed larger than before."

Sorry, but this makes me think.......2 spiders. You've dealt with the big one, and now his little brother will creep up and sink fangs, dripping with purple poisonous pus, into your exposed jugular vein......

Lottie said...

Da Na Da (supposed to be a dramatic - will be continued, may be a sequel ominous motif) doesn't quite work in type.

Feel better!

Anonymous Boxer said...

did you have spider dreams last night?

The Hangar Queen said...

You've seen Alien right?

Just think of the scene when the facehugger emerges from the egg.

Make the eggs a bit smaller and multilpy by several thousand.



Then boil the fuck out of every piece of linen you have and burn your mattress 'cause you know where they are.

savannah said...

just buy some heavy duty bug spray and spray the entire house! have no fear, sugar, the little bastid is daid! xoxoxo

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