This post, like my house, contains no spiders. I'm not sure if that is a relief or a disappointment for you dear readers but lets read on and find out.
So Thursday was my first day back after two days off, it was my Monday if you will. I was feeling chipper, chummy was dead and safely lodged in the bin and my cold thingy had cleared up. Clearly it doesn't take much to make me happy, one dead spider and not being sick and I'm on top of the world ma! I don't often feel chipper but I did have an extra bounce in my step as I walked the very short distance from the taxi to the front door of work.
But alas my chipperness was to be short lived.
"Ah hello, yes I'd like a table for two please."
"You're not booked this evening sir are you?"
"No, is that a problem?"
"Not at all Sir, follow me this way."
See, I was still chipper at 6 o'clock. I escorted the seemingly nice man and his seemingly nice daughter, at least I hope it was his daughter - it must have been his daughter, down to a fairly nice table.
"Ah, yes, you're putting us here?"
"Indeed sir." Still smiling.
"Yes, yes, I'd rather we sat over there", he pointed to one of the prized lovely tables beside the window.
"Alas Sir that table is already spoken for." I really do speak like that when I'm feeling chipper, or sarcastic.
"But there is no one on it." He still hadn't sat down.
"Yes but Sir it is reserved and they will be here shortly." I still had a song in my heart and a smile on my face.
"Well if that's the way it is......" and they took their seats. I got their drink order and skipped of to get it from the bar. I rarely skip these days so it was a welcome change in walks. I lifted the tray and headed to the table. But what's this........?
They had only gone and swapped seats! Not a fucking chance matey! Musical chairs is for kids parties only and anyway the music hadn't stopped. I tracked him down to another table beside the window, not the one he enquired about. This one was also reserved.
"We moved seats." No shit Sherlock!
"Yes I see that but this one is also reserved." Still smiling, maybe only half smiling but still chipper on the inside.
"Reserved? How could it be? You said that other table was reserved!"
He was getting a bit too vocal for my liking. And a bit spitty round the mouth too, I mean I actually had to wipe some off my shirt. He was like one of those salivating dogs. I'm not sure if this excitement was brought on by the thoughts of the lovely food on the new menu or rather his frustration at not getting the seat he wanted.
"Yes Sir, we do have more than one table reserved this evening. It's actually going to be quite busy what with the concert on nearby.
I was very fucking tempted to explain what a concert was but thought better of it.
"Yes Sir, some lady singer, popular in the eighties I believe. Anyway Sir I will have to ask you to move back to the first table I sat you on."
"Right!' he exclaimed like a huffy teenager. I escorted them back and told them I would return forthwith to get their order. I wasn't as forthwith in returning to the table as I would have hoped. I was answering stupid questions from stupid people on the phone, "Do we have to book?" Well you are on the frigging phone now so why don't you just go ahead and book!
But when I finally did return to get his order guess what? That's right he was off again on his journey's. Are you fucking kidding me?! This time to the first table he wanted to sit at. I approached the table and before I could get a word out he said,
"Right I'll have the fish and she'll have the chicken and can we get a bottle of Shiraz." For one moment I thought I had entered a parallel universe and not just because of the Shiraz with fish and chicken thing. What was he thinking? Did he think I just wouldn't notice that he had moved three tables over?
"Sir, like I have told you twice already, this table is reserved! You cannot sit here."
"Oh for god sake, but they aren't here!"
"Yes sir I see that too, but they will be here and when they do arrive I am going to sit them right here where you are."
"I would really rather sit here."
"But you can't"
"But I really would prefer it." Oh my god is he pouting his bottom lip? The man had to be 60 if he was a day! And here he was with his daughter pouting his lip in a restaurant because he couldn't get to sit where he wanted. Sweet mother of Gordon Ramsay this was nuts.
And then it got worse.
Waiter chum number one came down and whispered in my ear that, wait for it, the couple that was booked for that table had just cancelled! Now I don't like to give in. I would rather mess myself than lose face. It's a fault I know but there you go. I really didn't want this 60 year old child sitting in a good eat as he had been such a dick about it. But I really didn't have time to be debating the issue either. So I lied. Don't you dare judge me......
"Sir I will let you have this table but if the other couple insist on it I will have to move you. Is that okay?"
'That seems fair."
"Good so it's settled then."
And off I stormed. No skipping. Chipperness dissolved. The song in my heart deleted. I went back to check on them during their meal only to discover that he had put on his very large overcoat. Turns out that there was a little draft howling through the seems of the window and obviously he wasn't gonna ask to move seats again.
Bwahahahahahaha! I laughed until the chipperness returned.
It's true what they say, the table is always greener on the other side.