Sunday, 14 September 2008

Shit on your own doorstep, not mine.......

"You don't know me."


"You don't know me, I've never been here before. Right?"

This was weird.

The sharp dressed man, every girls crazy bout a sharp dressed man apparently, was grimacing at me with panic stricken eyes and speaking to me through gritted teeth. It was more threat than request.

"Seriously you need to be cool here." I hadn't a notion what was going on. I hadn't even given him a menu yet. Normally people hold back on the threats until they have got to know me a bit. So this was different for sure.

But I did know this guest, I've served him two maybe three times a month for the best part of four years. I knew him. I knew his wife. I knew his two dewy eyed kids. What I didn't know however was the name of the stunning brunette woman who took up the seat adjacent him a few moments later. She sparkled with both youth and beauty, her eyes danced with the excitement of the night. Actually she was a fraction of his age, Christ I have wine in the store that's older.

All became clear.

This was not a simple dinner with a work colleague or family friend. This was a whole lot more sleazier than that, an illicit tryst. Sinfully and against every moral fibre in my body, there aren't many moral fibres in my body but enough to know when shit is wrong, I played along. I'm a waiter not a guardian of moral correctness. But still it pissed me right off.

I decided to play along for one reason alone, the young lady with him. Something told me she didn't know about the lovely wife and two dewy eyed kids. She seemed blissfully unaware of his panic and threats through gritted teeth. Also his wedding ring was no where to be seen, probably tucked up nice and safe in his jacket pocket or underneath his porn stash or fake id's. So I wined and dined as always and never let on for a moment that I knew what was going on.

Towards the end of the night he made his excuses and left the table. I was polishing cutlery at the time and watched as he came towards me wearing an expression of relief and gratitude.

"Listen I'm really grateful for that, you know. She'"

I should have let him continue but I didn't have the stomach to listen to his weazly exculpation.

"Sir..." I would normally address him by his first name, but we didn't have that kind of relationship anymore. " don't have to say anything to me."

I continued polishing the cutlery.

"Here take this." And he reached put to stuff money into my hand.

"Sir there is no need. You've already tipped me. It's fine." If I took that cash I was even more complicit than I already felt. He could keep his hush money, I didn't want it.

They left a short while later. I darted out the back as I saw them getting up. The fuck if I was gonna wish them a good evening.

People have affairs. People fall in and obviously out of love with each other, that's life I suppose. I fully understand that more than I want to talk about on here. But what you don't fucking do is drag me, a harmless and innocent bringer of food and drink, into your world of fictional work parties, fictional nights out with the boys, or fictional fucking anything. I'm Catholic (lapsed. Actually is there a state of Catholicism after lapsed? I'm that), I have enough guilt of my own without you and your bullshit adding to it.

Fuck right off and go to a different restaurant. Don't shit on my doorstep.


I'll be drinking. If anyone needs anything get it yourself.

25 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Green Ink said...

Seem to remember you saying before this happens a lot. The fucker wants to be caught.
And I think a lapsed-lapsed Catholic is a Catholic. But then ecumenics was never my strongest card.

Native Minnow said...

Why are people dumb enough to frequent some of their regular places if they're cheating? Seriously, drive across town. Or better yet, to a different town.

Steve said...

What will happen fortunately is he will never frequent your restaurant again which is a good thing.He just wanted to be noticed by someone who would keep their mouth shut and that's you.
One time a long time ago a friend of mine who I had not seen in a while came to the bar I was working to tell me he won $100,000in a lotto.He didn't want his family to know but had to tell someone and that was me and I never saw him again.This situation reminds me of that.Native minnow is right why frequent a place you are a regular at.But he wanted to be noticed by you cause you will never say anything.He knows that.
Hence the conversation afterwards with him practically boasting of it.I guess his marriage is wrecked and hopefully his wife takes him to the cleaners I say!

Masquerade said...

Your blog is freakin HILARIOUS!!! Definitely adding it to my link list.

Silverstar said...

I, on the other hand, can go clear across the country and run into somebody I know. Just easier to stay home, cheating and lying is too much like work.

Anonymous said...

just wanted to say respect for turning down the cash.

fatmammycat said...

Ye-ack. Like N. Minnow said, why go to a local regular restaurant if you're dicking away from home. Ugh, and trying to give you hush money, how classy. Ugh. Just ugh.

Planet Me said...

idiot. and crassly insensitive, as well.

dave said...

You turned down the hush money? Are you insane!!?

Every time the guy is back, he's gonna tip big time.

Take it!

Michelle said...

I hate being dragged into that shit, too. I wouldn't have taken the money either...fuck him!

Cathy said...

Big yuck factor there, but what a great post...

Maxi Cane said...

Happens everywhere.

There's a guy I know actually who makes a lot of money from keeping quiet about his customers affairs. It's kind of like Goodfellas.

Friday night for the girlfriends and Saturday for the wives.

savannah said...

how tacky! but you played it well, sugar, not to take his hush money. xoxox

Medbh said...

When he comes in again with his wife and children you should make him sweat a bit.

The Hangar Queen said...

What a fuckstick!

Him..not you.

He was dying to share his 'secret' alright.Zero class amateur.

Sniffle&Cry said...

Why did he bring her to your place Manuel? Love is blind, but this madness. If there’s a silver lining here, it’s that he felt comfortable.

Cunt though, he should never have offered money. Arrogent or stupid too, can't figure which.

Crispy said...

Ah poor Boo. Go you for turning down the cash I say the next time he comes in with the wife and kids, squeal on him!!!

Anonymous said...

I admire you. A lot of people would have just taken the money. You're blog is so funny. It is a "must read" for me now. BTW, I used to be a lapsed Catholic and am happily back in the Church. Julie

Anonymous said...

I used to get it the other way around. I'd come in with my husband and people he knew at other tables for example would pretend not to notice him thinking he was with a squeeze. Think the 17 year age difference was the reason. It was quite funny when he finally used to introduce me to them as his wife.

M said...

Like working in retail and having to smile and nod and help the wankers who come in to buy TWO Valentines cards and gifts... wankers.

Manuel said...

m: wow people really do that? that's fucking awful.....

Jason said...


You are a waiter, not a marriage counselor. Your job is not to pass judgment unless it involving tipping or restaurant behavior. What if the guest was a homosexual, a serial masturbator, a drug addict, an alcoholic... if he behaved well and tipped well, why treat him as second class. I would love to wait on such a guest.

Manuel said...

jason: welcome!

"What if the guest was a homosexual, a serial masturbator, a drug addict, an alcoholic.."

So who's passing judgment now? Are you equating drug addicts and alcoholics to being gay?

I couldn't give a fuck if he is having an affair or not, like I said I have enough to be worrying about. But I do have a problem with him trying to give me "hush" money. I took the tip off him earlier for the service I gave him but as for anything else? no thank you.

Yes I am a waiter but I'm also human so off course I make judgements, we all do.....

Jason said...

Ah Manuel. Thank you for your reply and welcoming to your site.

To be clear, I was just listing behavior that a large number of the population may find "degenerate". As someone who has been in the restaurant industry (now, just part time, but its still in my blood), I have many many friends who are one or all of below: "a homosexual, a serial masturbator, a drug addict, an alcoholic."

I was slightly on the attack cause I perceived your upturned nose at his offer of compensation as part of your "I won't take your money cause of your decision to pursue an affair", not because you felt the money he paid previously was enough for services you provided and anything extra would have been slightly condescending towards you.


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