Monday, 15 September 2008

The taxing of my Granny loot......

I love my sister. She's good people. Always in good form and rarely puts the kids on the phone to talk to me, which is of course a blessed relief. Is there anything more tiring?

"Hello Jude."

No response

"Hello Jude, you being a good boy?"

No response except for the sound of an action figure being chewed.

"What're you up to?"

A voice from behind shouts, "Say hello to your Uncle Manuel"

No response and on it goes for about five minutes.


Oh the jolly japes we would get into as kids, her washing my hair, and as a consequence a large portion of my head, in the toilet and me, well, letting her. Like I had a choice. We would fight, as kids do, hair pulling, name calling, stuff breaking, nipping, oh yes she did it all. But when mum got sick she ironed my shirts and made me happy or rather, less sad.

But we have always loved each other and not just because we were required to under the law of family.

She's ace.

But she used to pull this one particular move that pissed me right off. When granny came to visit she would always deposit a decent sized note into my sisters hand. Five pounds was a big deal back then. Hell a tenner and I'd be getting on like JD Rockefeller! But my sister, my surrogate mother, the original picker upper after me would cut me out of the cash. Oh yes she would tax my granny dollars. If granny gave her ten pounds it would always be on the understanding that I got half. Did I get half? Did I fuckity! I got a quarter at best. This deception only came to light when granny whispered to me that she had given my charming sister a rather spiffing ten pounds note, of which I was to get half.

can I have some money now please?

I waited patiently for my half of the granny loot to materialise. I waited. I waited. I waited some more, little did I know I would spend my life waiting. Some time later she came to me and popped £2.50 into my tiny hand. I had been swizzed and I knew it. I protested and whinged and demanded my full half. I never got it.

I bring this up not to embarrass my sister or cause her hurt but because it happened again on Saturday night. Granny has long since shuffled of this mortal coil to dole out granny loot somewhere else and my sister never gets near my cash now.

No, this time I was shafted, not for the first time, by a fat man. Fat man, fat man's lovely wife and their not so fat friends all enjoyed a peachy evening of glorious food, splendiferous wine, and sparkling discourse. I kicked this sparkling discourse off with a few well placed anecdotes and appropriate one liners. It couldn't have gone better. They loved me, I loved them. I say loved them but it was more akin to the relationship between cat and person with cream. Eventually I would walk off and lick myself having got what I wanted.

Fat man came to the register to pay the bill. He was full of chat and eulogistic in his praise of the food and service. I blushed. We shook hands and he headed to the bathroom whilst his wife and chums put their coats on. She approached me, a little worse the wear with all the expensive Shiraz she had been guzzling and insisted on giving me a big hug and kiss. This actually did remind me of a granny kiss. But as we embraced she whispered that she had left twenty whole pounds on the table. I looked over her shoulder and yes indeed there was two crisp ten pound notes in the middle of the table.

Lovely bubbly.

I managed to break from her grasp just as the fat man returned from extraditing his bowls. The rest headed on but fat man had left his jacket at the table. I stood impassively as he went to the table to collect it. He picked up his jacket and as he put it on he gulped down the last dregs of his wine. But what's this? He's spied the tip on the table. He's checking the tip on the table. He's not. He fucking is. He pocketed one of the crisp ten pound notes. And of he sauntered. The fat wobbly cunty bastard.

My granny loot had been taxed again. My only solace being that Mr Stroke and Mr Heart Attack will be visiting the fat fuck sooner rather that later and then he has my granny to deal with.

19 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

savannah said...

that is low down and cheap! what a bastid, sugar! xoxo



(btw, i agree, the new sitememter is crapola, but i'll be damned if i upgrade to a paying account!)

Manuel said...

but isn't it? I mean his wife left the tip, it had fuck all to do with him. As for sitemeter they seem to have changed their mind again......

Medbh said...

You can hope that he spends the tenner on some choice artery-clogging food to hasten his coronary, Manuel.
Three Big Macs, maybe?

Manuel said...

medbh: bwahahahahahaha! excellent....

Green Ink said...

He figured out a price and that hug and kiss cost you a tenner.

Manuel said...

green ink: jesus, never thought of that...

Silverstar said...

That is pretty low. Yes, hope he buys Big Macs with it.

Maxi Cane said...

Two words:

Sneeze steak.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Funny, today as I was leaving a restaurant I picked up the check (with cash tip inside) and handed it to the Waiter as I left. I didn't feel good leaving it on the table so near the door/restrooms. Of course I didn't consider my lunch partner as a potential thief, either.

Steve said...

That is freakin' unbelieveable! The cheap bastard paid the bill , his wife left the tip , and he pockets half of it while getting his jacket.It wasn't even his money to begin with.That is a new one for me.And his wife didn't even know it.
You should have walked up to him and said " very nice of your wife to leave me a 20, wasn't it???? And then see him squirm and then act dumb and say oh I could have sworn she said 20.
No but I guess you really can't do that.Just when he comes in next time paint the number 10 on your forehead and mumble 10 under your breath in mid sentence next time.He could fork it over.....yea right.

Native Minnow said...

Some of my ex-wife's friends once swiped someone's tip off another table, and replaced it with a smaller bill. They determined that the other table couldn't have possibly ordered enough to warrant such a big tip. I'd never cared for those people, but that was about the lowest of the low. Or so I thought. Later, the husband of that couple got arrested for molesting little children. My ex sure knows how to pick 'em.

Native Minnow said...

And Boxer, I always hand the money to the server rather than leave it on the table when I pay with cash. I don't trust people to leave it there until the server comes back around.

Red hair, Red face said...

thats not cool......thats not cool at all....
You shouldve done a slow motion jump accross the restraunt and knocked the money out of his hands.....

Manuel said...

silverstar: or kfc......it's probably worse...

maxi: next time......if there is a next time.....

boxer: yes but did you check.......hehehehe

steve: or I could just kick him......i'd like to kick him....

minnow: holy mother of fuck......

red hair red face: I only jump for spiders now.....

Crispy said...

OMG I thought Savannah was calling me a Bastid, but then I realised it was the fat man!! Sneaky c**t, the fat man, not Savannah!!
Hey, back in the olden days I was out to make cash by any means and if it meant stiffing you then thats the way it was. But now you earn the big bucks and I have to put up wif shit wages and kids that won't talk to their Uncle!!!

Sniffle&Cry said...

An awful shower of fuckers coming into your place lately. The worm turns eventually.

I blame your granny a bit, she should have known that elder siblings shaft the younger one. She should never have mentioned “half a tenner”- The expectation thing, course his wife didn’t help very much either.

daisy mae said...

oooh - not nice at all. how does someone do that? i've never understood.

whenever we go out with others, we wait until everyone puts in their piece including tip, check it, then j makes a break for the bathroom. on the way he finds the server and apologizes for our cheap friends (there's always one who doesn't even put in enough for their meal, you know?) all the while slipping them the difference to make up a 20%+ tip.

i'm starting to think that people get some cheap thrill out of cheating servers out of their pay.

bethanythemartian said...

I had kids that used to do that to me- worse, actually. I delivered pizza, and the parents at this one house used to give their kids the money, and the kid always asked for the change back. Normally 3-5 bucks. I didn't even realize the kid was stiffing me until the Dad was there, once, standing right behind him, and told me to keep everything.

Little bastard had been swiping my tip.

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