Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Spiderbastard

So I had this customer the other day.......ah fuck it you've heard it all before. I'm too tired to write it up today. Suffice to say he was a dick, he did dickish things, and spoke with a dickish tone. I didn't like him. The usual blah blah blah. But it's not him that has me tired. I'm afraid it takes more than a dickish man doing dickish things whilst speaking with a dickish tone to keep me awake at night. No I have a new house guest. And this new house guest has kept me awake two nights on the trot now.

spiderbastard.....

I'm not normally fearful of spiders but beat me with a hose and call me Bob this thing is fucking huge. I first spotted it last week in the kitchen, it was making itself supper. Okay it was loitering with intent near the cooker, which is where I wanted to be. So I stood there for a moment and considered what to do. I don't normally hassle spiders, they do a decent job keeping the flies out of my life but this fella was a bit to big to be left at large. But then again he was the size of a fist and I wasn't in the mood for playing silly buggers with a spider at two in the morning. I was sure that if I tried to hit it with a newspaper that it would snatch the paper from me and beat me back out the kitchen whilst making disparaging remarks about my mother. So I just brushed it out of the way.

Off it scuttled away leaving me to make my scrambled eggs free from the machinations of my new house guest. I considered this to be the end of the matter. But alas this was not the case, clearly I just pissed it off. If I had turned round whilst making my eggs I would probably have found it flipping me the bird and warning me I had made a very grave error. But at the time I thought nothing more of it.

It waited a few days to make it's move, Sunday night to be precise, when the sneaky fucker knew I would be at my weakest after a long hard weekend at work. I was settling into my nesting positioning in bed, TV remotes to hand and tea and biscuits within lifting distance.

FFFFFFFFFFFFT

What was that?

FFFFFFFFFFFFT

No but seriously what the fuckity fuck was that?

From the corner of my eye I saw something dart across my bedroom floor, first from the door to the window then back to the door again a moment later. My heart was racing, pounding like a fat lad at the top of the Eiffel tower. Was I just tired? Was I seeing the Matrix? I sat there, upright, and fearful. I didn't dawn on me that yer man, the spider, was back, with attitude too.

But then I caught a glimpse of him. The cheeky, brazen, arachnid with balls as big as pumpkins was stood there at the foot of my bed I assume looking at me, and probably the TV too. He had clearly been preparing for this as he seemed larger than before. Maybe he had partaken in some sort of training montage in the previous days since our last meeting in the kitchen - running up and down the bathtub, climbing the walls, fighting cats and attacking dogs whilst listening to Survivor. No doubt high-eighting his spiderbuddies. I was in no mood for getting out of bed so I chucked the remote at it. A decision I would later regret as I had to crawl out of my snoozing pit to switch the TV off. He scuttled away.

Again I assumed this was the end of the matter. Wrong. He was just messing with my mind. Clearly he was trained in the Machiavellian-like dark arts of counter insurgency. Ten minutes later he launched his assault. Whilst I was chuckling along to Father Ted spiderbastard was making it's way up my bed towards me. I swear it was screaming, "VENGEANCE!" as it raced towards me.

"GET THE FUCK! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", is pretty much what I screamed as I shooed it off my bed.

This was not cool.

I opened the bed room door to let the hate filled ninja spider out. It didn't want to leave. It was time to fight back. I searched the room on all fours with a rolled up copy of the Sunday papers, including sports supplement. There would be no escape from the righteousness of The Observer. After about five minutes searching I became very aware that I was crawling on all fours, naked, with a rolled up newspaper in my hand making verbal threats to a fucking spider. I was clearly out of my mind, well if not completely I was definitely heading that way.

I was sure the plate sized freak was watching me and laughing to itself. Eventually I gave up and got back into bed. I switched the lights off and went to sleep. Except I couldn't sleep. The spider had me freaked out. I didn't want it laying it's young under my precious skin. I've seen Alien, I know what happens. Just as I headed in to snoozy land the fucker hit back, again. You can say what you want about spiderbastard but its timing is exceptional. It ran across my duvet cover at speed from left to right and then back again. I shit, metaphorically speaking. The street light breaking through the cracks in the curtains made it even creepier.

I threw the duvet to the floor and squealed again. I sat there for an age with the light on pondering my next move. I considered sleeping on the sofa downstairs but that's what the fucker wanted. If I gave up now then I would be a slave in my own home.

I half expected to come back from work on Monday night to find the bastard sitting on my seat, drinking tea from my cup and wearing my favourite t-shirt whilst a crying LMM made him steak from my fridge. I am very aware that each day that passes my nemesis grows stronger. He must be beaten, hard, and with the Observer newspaper at that.

I sleep during the day now, night time is for hunting.

49 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

savannah said...

poison, sugar! why not try bug spray? of course, you'll have to leave the house for a few hours...but he will die! xoxox

Sweetchuck said...

Right I'm well freaked out now.

Manuel said...

savannah: leave the house? for a few hours? I'd rather take my chances with spiderbastard....

sweetchuck: you're next......he wants your belly button fluff.....

Sniffle&Cry said...

Big girls blouse! Pfft!
Although, does it have Al Qaeda manic eyes, which look like it’s been training in a cave, an Afghanistan cave with other moustachioed and bearded arachnids. You may need George Bush in a flight jacket and an F14. Failing this, a couple of Linfield supporters might do the trick.
Eat the fucker Manuel. Crunch him up like that fella on the BBC what gets dropped into Jungles and the Antarctic, that Bear fella. Eat the fucker like Rocky would, crunch the eyes.

See how brave I am on tinterweb!

Manuel said...

sniffle & amp: having near recent experience with linfield fans I will take my chances with spiderbastard. It hasn't been spotted all day.......I'm very fucking nervous....

Medbh said...

Try not to think about it, Manuel. Maybe he moved out?

Manuel said...

medbh: why would hee move out? my house is lovely.....fuck now I am upset he's gone....I'm frigging losing it...

dave said...

Should've got a magazine and a glass, put him in it and chucked him out the first time you saw him.

Either that, or get a cat. They take care of them alright.

witchypoo said...

Stomp the bastard! It'll only rain for a day.
Seriously, I used to gently escort spiders outside until I encountered the nasty recluse spider. Their bite forms a pustule in the middle, the flesh decays around it. It's very painful. Now even the cute large grey spiders get stomped.

Anthony said...

Trust me Manuel, there is a technique to summoning giant spiders. If you push it from your mind for a couple of days, then think to yourself, "Huh, could a spider that big REALLY exist? I must have just imagined it."

And believe me, within minutes it will strike, it worked horrors for me(attack of the jumping god-spider, and boy can that bastard jump). Just make sure to carry a rolled up paper 24/7!

daisyfae said...

if you can hear a spider walking? it's too big to cohabitate. kill it. leave the head on a nail as a warning to others.

bug spray. you will have the joy of WATCHING IT SUFFER.

seriously. kill it. re-assert your position at the top of the food chain. you'll feel better for it!

Old Knudsen said...

You forgot to mention how you have tiny little gurly fists. Speaking of gurls have you ever thought about growing a pair of balls? Has it fed off you yet? any bites? even while you sleep during the day it'll get ya and you'll be spide man.

MJ said...

What did you say after the bit about "I was crawling on all fours, naked"?

I didn't get past that.

Silverstar said...

Should I mention that it is almost Fall and spiderbastard is looking for a warm place to spend the winter?

echo said...

Kill it. Kill it. The eight-legged spawn from hell needs to be sent packing. If I see one ? It must die by any means necessary. I do not share living quarters with those creatures. *shudders*
Who knows what they're up to when you aren't watching. That's why I have the giant size can of spider spray. If I tried squashing and aimed improperly, I know it would fight back. Spray. Lots and lots of spray.

Gypsy said...

That is the funniest thing I've read in ages. It's a good thing you don't live in my fair country Manuel or you would be bouncing off the proberbial rubber walls wearing a very odd jacket that ties your arms around your back.

Simon said...

The only good spider is a dead spider... bastard things.

Sharon said...

It's a September thing. I chucked one out into the garden yesterday (obviously it wasn't half as big'n'scary as yours) and the pup promptly ate it.

Fantastic post, and I love Knudsen's "spide man" comment!

Red hair, Red face said...

Torture him till you find out his motives.....its obvious he's just the brute force some smaller exceptionally intelligent spider has sent in....

sheepworrier said...

Haha, great post manuel. Hate the feckin hairy bastards myself - anything with more than 4 legs is just unnecessary.
Maybe you should work out some sort've co-ownership scheme with him?

redleeroy said...

holy christ, you must kill it. It cannot be allowed to take over. what next? our local pub? Our schools? Your restaurant? If you arrive into work tomorrow and see a hairy eight legged barista smirking knowingly at you, pouring 4 latte's, 3 double espresso's and an Irish Coffee in one then its all over.

Conan Drumm said...

Hmm, kitchen downstairs, bedroom upstairs?

A 'Yes' answer probably means two spiders.


Sorry.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Darling, the spider is looking for somewhere to sleep, and it is absolutely proven beyond all doubt that the place they like best of all is a bra carelessly thrown on the floor. Within minutes, one cup will have squatter's rights declared, so you can then close the other cup over it and put the whole lot outside on the front lawn. By the following morning the bra will have been stolen by a pervert or a poor person, and all will be well. Do you have a bra? Or easy access to one?

Maxi Cane said...

Hate spiders. Does your little tyrant jump.

I had a fucker like that jump from the floor to the coffee table once.

I moved house.

Immediately.

Green Of Eye, Sharp Of Claw said...

Oh Lordy thank you so much for making me cry with laughter this morning!

I'm not laughing at your misfortune with Eight McLegs,just the image of a spider training in a head band and sweats whilst listening to Survivor was enough to make me snort tea through my nose.Classy :P


If you're going down the extermination route: you'll need 2 things.....
Hairspray and a lighter

K8 the Gr8 said...

I've got my own spiderbastard, he's the guardian of the fusebox. Said fusebox is an enclosed area so I've no idea what he survives on or how he's growing bigger.

Everytime I blow a fuse I have to enter into negotiations with spiderbastard in the dark which is very unpleasant... I wonder do spiders conduct electricity?

I'd love spiders if they weren't so damn ugly and sneaky. I've got the squirms now!

Manuel said...

dave: I wonder if you can rent a cat for a day....?

witchypoo: yes we are now a stomping house......

anthony: ah go existential on it's ass....I like it...

daisyfae: it's gone quiet for 24 hours now......that cant be a good sign eh?

old k: ere mate......

mj: crikey.....I was worried about my dingle as it was dangling......

silverstar: no......and don't bring it up again....

echo: does man spray from the body shop count? It's all I have......

gypsy: yes but your hot soap stars make up for the creepy crawlies....

simon: stamping down on spiders and the causes of spiders....

sharon: don't encourage him!

The Idle Wanderer said...

When it has mastered the art of typing, you are truly up sit creek. 'Well done fly' by Spiderbastard.

I'd read it.

Manuel said...

red hair, red face: hello! the backyard shall be my guantanamo bay

sheepo: yeah I could live with it/him if he contributed in some way......

redleeroy: you should have seen the bastard in the kitchen the other day, swanning about like it owned the place....

conan: they don't walk up stairs? I cant cope with two of them....

mrs pouncer: hello, welcome...I have no bra and access is never easy......but I will make enquiries......this may cost me dinner out....

maxi: they jump now? jesus.....

goesoc: welcome....! the same method I use to get rid of Jehovah witnesses.....

k8: i've been itching all week.....

idler: bwahahahaha

Blondefabulous said...

Reminds me of that movie, "Eight Legged Freaks". Are you sure he is not a gift from your builders? Perhaps he is a reader who wants to take revenge on you on behalf of all your customers? Either way, sounds like time to tent and fumigate!

DEATH FROM ABOVE BITCH!

Manuel said...

blondie: death from a shoe!

Anonymous said...

Oh I love this, too funny.

You've got to hoover him up :) that way you dont have to get too near him just point the nozzle in his direction, you'll hear him clinking up the hose!

Manuel said...

anonymous: thanks! I'll remember that for next time.....spiderbastard is dead.....more to follow.....

Lottie said...

Ew ew ew ew! I hate spiders!

Manuel said...

lottie: judging by the response today you are not alone.

Manuel said...

Hold on that's a Michael Jackson lyric......that's not so cool.....

Native Minnow said...

Bwahahahahaha

Sounds about as big as the BIG spider in Arachnophobia.

Manuel said...

minnow: yes but the acting is better in my house.....

Anonymous Boxer said...

Spiders start appearing in my house right about now due to the change in weather. **shudder**

Although the idea of one fixing himself supper is very funny.

Good hunting.

Manuel said...

boxer: oh i got him......i got him good...

Mudflapgypsy said...

I shared a house with a friend who was also a big girl when it came to spiders. There may be a joke there somewhere..

Live and let live baby, trap it under a pint glass, slide a piece of card underneath and transport the bugger outside and throw him out on his ass.

You stood on it didn't you?

Manuel said...

muddy: what and get my campers all clogged up with spider goo? I don't think so.....more at midnight.....

Amy said...

Raid. 1 big can of Raid. I live in the country and they try to invade my house from time to time. The fly swatter and Raid work well. UGH! I hate spiders!

Manuel said...

amy: or a big brush......that also works very well....

Let's Kill Saturday Night said...

Hilarious post.

Manuel said...

lksn: awh thanks.....wasn't so funny when the bastard was running over my bed.....but lets not speak ill of the dead

healysequoia said...

I feel your pain! I too am tortured by creepy gross spider-things! The following links are not for the faint hearted!

http://whinorhino.blogspot.com/2007/04/spiderbee.html

http://whinorhino.blogspot.com/2007/11/spider-scorpion.html

Manuel said...

healy: fear not for spiderbastard is dead....I am king of my home again!

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