Wow, what a fantastic audience...

It's funny when you see, or hear in this case, how others view you. Friday night for example I thought I was being every inch the ladies man. Suave, jokey but not overbearing, and handsome, that deep down sort of handsome, really deep down but handsome all the same. I had complimented the ladies at the table on how well they looked. These were regular guests but tonight they were dressed some what better than normal, no jeans or t-shirts tonight. One of their work colleagues was moving to a new job so they were all out to say goodbye. And I took a moment to acknowledge how fantastic they all looked. Some of them did that fake coy/bashful thing.

Remember it's all about tips, nothing else, just tips.

cake...
...we all like a bit of cake.

The host of the table, a plump and rather overly giggly young woman who was probably the driving force behind all their office parties, collections and birthday cards had furnished me with a cake before the rest of her party arrived. This slab of chocolate nastiness was to be delivered to the table after the mains had been cleared. And it was nasty, cheap and nasty at that. If it's the thought that counts then they clearly didn't think too much about their departing friend.

Now delivering birthday cakes to tables is all very well, you start the first line of "Happy birthday to you..." and everyone joins in and there is a big splash of excitement and noise. But a cake for someone leaving? What the fuck was I gonna do with that? I mean it's hard to generate excitement around an obviously bargain basement round chocolate cake with no decoration or "witty" slogan in icing on it. Was I to put a candle on it? Was that appropriate? I could hardly just drop it in front of him and go, "Yo, big fella, best of luck n that....." tempting though it was.

These are the pressures of the job, people, candle or no candle, sing or not sing, three cheers? It's a wonder I don't have an ulcer such is the pressure. So after much contemplating no thought what so ever I rammed a single candle into the middle of the cake and sparked it into life. Something needed to be done to add life to this brick of chocolate disappointment. But there was still the vexed question of what to do when I got to the table. Over the years I have realised that you can never rely on the other guests to make the required fuss or give three cheers on queue.

So here's what I did......

I got to the table with the cake, candle flickering under the air con, and as I set it in front of the suitably embarrassed gentleman I started singing, Christ this is so awful I'm going red as I type, I started singing....

" So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen....." from the Sound of Music.

What?

Why?

Why?

Why?

As it was the rest of the table joined in and laughed and my huge red face was ignored. But as I walked away from the table one woman nudged the woman beside her and said, "Sound of Music? See I told you he was gay!'

I knew I should have just dropped it in front of him and said, "You, big up yerself fella."

I have now retired from singing. But I am available for Panto in December.