Monday, 21 July 2008

Wow, what a fantastic audience...

It's funny when you see, or hear in this case, how others view you. Friday night for example I thought I was being every inch the ladies man. Suave, jokey but not overbearing, and handsome, that deep down sort of handsome, really deep down but handsome all the same. I had complimented the ladies at the table on how well they looked. These were regular guests but tonight they were dressed some what better than normal, no jeans or t-shirts tonight. One of their work colleagues was moving to a new job so they were all out to say goodbye. And I took a moment to acknowledge how fantastic they all looked. Some of them did that fake coy/bashful thing.

Remember it's all about tips, nothing else, just tips.

cake...
...we all like a bit of cake.


The host of the table, a plump and rather overly giggly young woman who was probably the driving force behind all their office parties, collections and birthday cards had furnished me with a cake before the rest of her party arrived. This slab of chocolate nastiness was to be delivered to the table after the mains had been cleared. And it was nasty, cheap and nasty at that. If it's the thought that counts then they clearly didn't think too much about their departing friend.

Now delivering birthday cakes to tables is all very well, you start the first line of "Happy birthday to you..." and everyone joins in and there is a big splash of excitement and noise. But a cake for someone leaving? What the fuck was I gonna do with that? I mean it's hard to generate excitement around an obviously bargain basement round chocolate cake with no decoration or "witty" slogan in icing on it. Was I to put a candle on it? Was that appropriate? I could hardly just drop it in front of him and go, "Yo, big fella, best of luck n that....." tempting though it was.

These are the pressures of the job, people, candle or no candle, sing or not sing, three cheers? It's a wonder I don't have an ulcer such is the pressure. So after much contemplating no thought what so ever I rammed a single candle into the middle of the cake and sparked it into life. Something needed to be done to add life to this brick of chocolate disappointment. But there was still the vexed question of what to do when I got to the table. Over the years I have realised that you can never rely on the other guests to make the required fuss or give three cheers on queue.

So here's what I did......

I got to the table with the cake, candle flickering under the air con, and as I set it in front of the suitably embarrassed gentleman I started singing, Christ this is so awful I'm going red as I type, I started singing....

" So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen....." from the Sound of Music.

What?

Why?

Why?

Why?

As it was the rest of the table joined in and laughed and my huge red face was ignored. But as I walked away from the table one woman nudged the woman beside her and said, "Sound of Music? See I told you he was gay!'

I knew I should have just dropped it in front of him and said, "You, big up yerself fella."

I have now retired from singing. But I am available for Panto in December.

31 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Maxi Cane said...

You mean you're not??!!....

Manuel said...

maxi: shall I sing for you?

Maxi Cane said...

............... no.

Thanks though.

B said...

tThis is the first time I've ever wished I watched the Sound of Music... damn you Manuel!

Medbh said...

I've never seen it, Manuel, but I'm sure you're being too hard on yourself. It was a lovely gesture, much nicer than the shitty cake.

MJ said...

Were you wearing lederhosen?

Old Knudsen said...

As I've said before you my lad are in the state of denial, get yer fun on the doon low just don't go spreading any plagues.

livesbythewoods said...

You are wasted. Get on the phone to a top-notch theatrical agent.

Sharon said...

Fantastic. I hope it worked.

Why think you must be gay if you start a song going, isn't it more likely that you're just pimping for tips? And fair play too.

Manuel said...

maxi: "kittens with noses and old boys called moses.......la lalalallla ;a thse are a few of my favourite things"

b: don't, don't do it......

medbh: you've never seen it....? terrible terrible stuff.......I truly hate musicals

mj: only in my mind dear......

old k: terrible thing to say......you sir are a shocker

lbtw: i wish I was wasted.....

sharon: and no one pimps for tips like me......NO ONE!

Conan Drumm said...

Oh yeah, a table full of fag-hags and I bet you preen with the best of 'em, just for the tips!

Manuel said...

conan: a waiter does what a waiter must......

sheepworrier said...

Brown paper kittens tied up with string, eh.

So... fancy a cosmo in mynt sometime big lad?

Manuel said...

sheepo: I'll give you "big lad" ooohhh er

daisyfae said...

back slowly away from the Liza Minelli CD's...

Manuel said...

daisyfae: bwahahahahaha

jen said...

Oh dear. Now I'm seeing the start of The Sound of Music with you twirling around on the mountain top instead of Julie.

But fair play, it made everyone laugh and it's all about the atmosphere - which can be deadly at these leaving do's: everyone treading carefully, not wanting to trigger a rant of 'And you, I never liked you anyway! And another thing, everyone in Accounts is a bunch of wankers...'.

Did you get a good tip in the end?

Manuel said...

jen: it did get a laugh and I see that as part of my job/a good way to ear cold hard cash.......and yes, yes they did tip rather well......

Kitty Cat said...

But the real question here is did you do the doo-doodleoo-doo-doo-doo-doos between verses?

Manuel said...

kitty cat: welcome! verses? you think there were verses? there were no verses, only red faces and laughter.......best one can hope for.....

savannah said...

i so want to visit your restaurant, sugar, just to see you in action! xoxox

Manuel said...

savannah: you mean singing right? I have no other action......

problemchildbride said...

Sterling effort, Manuel! Above and beyond! I would have like to hear the doo-doodleoo-doo-doo-doo-doos, though. In fact I might have offered to pay you to do them later ... in private... dressed as a nun...

Manuel said...

sam: I'll set up a webcam......!

Mr. DNA said...

Awesome. You're the best.

I hate to go and leave this pretty sight.

Manuel said...

MR DNA: That's a quote isn't it?

harried_dad said...

Now I've got that stupid goat and puppet show in my head. I'll torture you with this slightly altered snippet.

High on a hill was a lonely goatherd

High on a table stood a lonely waiter
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Red was the face of the embarassed waiter
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

**yodelling**

"A really cheap cake, does everyone hate her?"
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
"Nevermind, I'll sing" thought the waiter
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

**yodelling**

The lady said "how gay is the waiter?"
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Manuel ran to come back later
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

**yodelling**

Manuel said...

dad: bwahahahahahahahahaha tremendous!!

Margaret said...

Oh sweet lord that's brilliant. The most I could ever work up was a mumbled congratulations in situations like that.

Manuel said...

margaret: and that's what I'll be doing form here on in....

fgeegf said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網,
美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇,
日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,