Whinging Wednesday, the waiters retort....

Following on from Whinging Wednesday I present the, very, long list of issues that irks you the guest along with my advice/response.

It's a fairly varied list from hoovering hovering waiters to sighing waiters to other peoples kids.

Sigh...
I want my bill/parmesan/attention/left alone/silence
I know what you want fella....

1. Overpriced food that ain't worth the cash. Complain, times are tough people you don't have to pay for bad food. Plus managers are easy and just want a quiet life. But do it before you finish, an empty plates makes you look like a little porky liar.
   
2. Disappearing waiters/abandonment. Tricky one this. There is a fine line between being patient and being ignored. All I can say is look around you, is the place busy? Is there one solitary sweaty waiter who looks like he is having a stroke? If not seek the manager!
3. Having to ask for the bill. And what? I see no problem with this. Believe me most people get very fucking shirty if you bring them the bill without them requesting it. So if you want the bill make it known when they serve your coffee or are finished your meal. Pfft. And if you are in a hurry tell the waiter.
   
4. Poor food and drink menu. Eh check before you go. No seriously I google every restaurant before I venture out. I know this isn't always possible but I do recommend it. Also I very rarely visit a new place within the first six months. Muriel's being the exception.
5. Waiters without order books. This was flagged by a waiter so that's amusing. Now I've worked with some Rainman types over the years and they have always impressed/scared the bejesus out of me with their abilIty to take a four tops entire order without need for an order pad. Not me, I wear a name badge just to remember my name. I've learnt the hard way and take an order pad just for the coffees. Hey if the waiter can do it without then well done them but if it goes horribly wrong then you have cause to go just a little mad.
   
6. Being rushed off the table. I think this answers number 3. But, there is always a but. But did you reserve a table? Where you told that they needed it back for a certain time? Where you on time for your table? Have you been there for so long that they have given you a rent book instead of a bill? If they didn't tell you that they needed the table back, booked or not, then you just sit there and enjoy yourself and take no shit from them. Unless of course you arrived two minutes off closing, well then you are just being an arse.
7. Hovering waiters. Well this really does annoy you doesn't it? A good waiter doesn't hover. A good waiter can judge how long it takes to eat your meal. They spy on you from a distance and make judgements accordingly. Many judgements are made and not necessarily about what you may think. Believe me waiters don't want to hover, it's the management see, they have a hovering fixation. They want us out there on the floor hovering. But I don't hover, well not near your table. That's what the bar is for. Listen it's not about making you feel uncomfortable, quite the opposite, we need to be in your eye line so we can make your dining dreams come true. You can of course make things easier for us. Judging when someone is finished eating can be difficult sometimes. And there is nothing worse than getting to the table and lifting a plate only for the other diner to start eating again. We just wanna die/smack something when that happens. So if you are finished please just put your cutlery in the appropriate position and then we know.
8. Fussy waiters. Oh for the love of big Gordon Ramsay people make your minds up. On one hand we have those suffering from abandonment issues and on the other we have those who feel crowded. Again a good waiter can judge the appropriate level of service/attention that any table needs. Some need the constant love and reassurance of the man in black others just go all Greta Garbo. But like I say a good waiter knows. They cut the chit chat out where they feels it's not wanted. They cut the refilling out when it's clear the guest has the ability and desire to do it themselves. But it should be noted that we also employ the "kill with kindness" tactic to some guests if they are being rude/jerks/or have previous form for shoddy tipping or other offenses. Be warned.
   
9. Other guests. This is as tricky as fuckity fuck. On one hand we want all guests to have a good time. We want them to express themselves and relax. On the other hand people need to be aware that other guests may not want to hear all about sex last night with the guy/girl they met in a bar. Waiters are reluctant to step in unless it is obviously out of hand for two reasons. The first being that what I have already said, everyone is entitled to a good night and the second is fear of tip loss. And that is after all what we are all about. Some people are over sensitive, like this mook. But then again I had to tell a woman to put her nail varnish away last night. Man does that shit stick the house out! We will move your table if we can, but the moment you ask us to have a word with someone bear in mind that we are about to take a loss. This is especially true when it comes to the little darlings who are racing round the restaurant or are throwing soggy spit soaked bread at you. The moment we ask a parent to reign young junior in we open a huge big can of whoop ass. Parents get all defensive and huffy. It's a nightmare. And no matter how nicely you ask it always ends up in a fight. Personally I can block out the noise and running around of children when out for something to eat but it's the way they stare at you that sends me other the edge. Children should be seen and not served.
   
10. "Hey you guys." What? Seems like a friendly enough greeting. Hehehehehehe! I never really knew that it annoyed people so much. I did write about it way back in the early days of WDF but it was more of a defense/verbal assault. Waiters will never stop using it, it;s just nice n easy. But I promise to intersperse it with a few, "Folks", "Guys n Galls", "Sir and Madam", "Big fella and Chicko" or maybe even just "Yo wasssuuuppp." No but seriously I will try and curb it.
    

Sweet mother of the holy booking sheets this is going on a bit.
So it's now a two parter.
More to follow.