Thursday, 5 June 2008

Hearing things....

Yet another odd night at work. It started with a table of six Americans. Yippee thought I. Having taken an extra day off I needed to get back in the cash quick sharpish and there is nothing better than six lovely Americans to get you back in the folding gear. They didn't arrive all together, in fact they didn't even all know each other. So as they arrived they introduced themselves by name and by job title. The names have been changed to protect the shit out of my ass.

"HI, I'm Bob from Air Force One." I was standing right there when he said it, Air Force One.

"Hi Bob, I'm Melissa from NSA." NSA? The National Security Agency? Well bugger me.

And on it went, Air Force, Military, State Department, and so on. Their conversation was full of Middle East this and "I-Rack" that. I was busting a gut to hear what they were on about. I'm sure it's all to do with Shrubs visit here in the next few weeks. I know these are different times in the North of Ireland but they could have shown a little discretion. I'll probably be on a flight to Saudi Arabia by the time you read this......

The last time he was here I went on the protest with all the other hippies, reds, veggies, and Guardian readers. I was all pumped up and angry. I'm not so interested now though. In fact I could give a fuck. Apathy eh, it's a real killer. Still it was all very exciting for a while. Then other customers showed up, buggers.


not so secret, secret agent

"Ah hello, and how are you tonight?" Asked the nice waiter in his ill fitting shirt that must have shrunk in the wash because there is no way he has put weight on, hell no.

"Yes a table for three actually?" replied the older of the three women.

"Mother! He's not asking you that...." interjected a frustrated younger woman.

"No....eh have you a table reserved ladies?" asked the nice young(ish) waiter wearing the figure hugging shirt.

"Yes, Doris actually, for three" answered the older lady again except it reads much nice than she said it. Her reply was delivered more like a moody teenager who's just been asked a question they perceive to be obvious. It was the equivalent of "Duuuuuh, of course I have."

Fuck that.

Up with this I will not put.

"And what was that name again, Boris?"

"Doris!"

"I'm sorry I have no Morris booked here." I said pulling at my shirt which felt more like a second skin.

"Doris dear, I said Doris." She was quite ruffled now. So I called that evens and showed them to their table.

I didn't get them a drink order straight away as I need a moment, just for me and she needed to stew a bit. But I returned a moment later with a smile painted from ear to ear. Time to try again I thought.

"Where's the wine list? You haven't given me a wine list."

It took every fibre in my body, every last ounce of strength not to pout and point at the wine list and go, "It's right there, duuuuuuuh."

One nasty bottle of Pinot Grigio ordered and brought to the table but before I could even announce it she was off again.

"It's very noisy here."

"Really? Eh? Really?"

"Yes, those kids are making a terrible racket. It's hard to hear myself think let alone speak."

I can fucking hear you loud and clear I thought. Now those kids she was referring to was a table of six twenty somethings out to celebrate a friends birthday. Sure there was a bit of squealing and laughing when they arrived, but by now they were reading their menus and not exactly partying hard in an Andrew Wk stylie.

"Yeah to be honest madam I really don't see any problem with them." I was whispering as I didn't want the table of six to get wind of yer woman's complaining. The only thing worse than tables ganging up together is tables fighting with each other. It can get a bit wild west.

"Are you not going to speak to them?"

"Speak to them? About what?"

"The noise man, the noise!" She said getting rather loud with it. I considered asking her to tone it down a bit but decided that was just likely to inflame the situation.

"No honestly madam they aren't doing anything wrong. If it gets loud again you just let me know and I'll deal with it."

And with that she said, "NO, NO, NO come on girls, we're going."

And off she popped.

Really really strange.

Game, set and match to me.......

25 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

savannah said...

total aside and unrelated to this post (which was really funny, btw! here's to you, sugar *raising my g&t*)

but something niggles me that cracked me the hell up, sugar! only you could be so discreet! xoxox

Manuel said...

savannah: yeah but it does......I'm worried....the republican party should be about as popular as shit on a stick but yet they still have a slender lead......I'm worried.....

daisyfae said...

Relax! Now that Mr. Obama has shaken that pesky pantsuit from his leg, he can get down to the business of getting his ass elected! Burn a candle or two, cross those fingers, and pray to the deity of your choice...

Jessie said...

The republican party only has the lead because the KKK refuses to vote for Barack. Now all those old bitches who wanted to vote for Hillary either won't vote or may vote for McCain. Grreeaaat.

And, pardon my ignorance, who the hell is Shrubs? I'm assuming it's GWB? If so, why call him shrubs?

benders said...

Shrub's due in June, isn't he?


And my aunts were in earlier. Said they had a fuck-off rude waiter. They'll be back to sellotape a raw fish to the underside of a chair. You'll be sorry!

Medbh said...

Manuel, you were glad to be rid of her, I'm sure. You know she wouldn't tip well.

How did the G men tip?

savannah said...

not to hijack this post, again but...
trust in god and we'll tie the camel over here, sugar! (old saying i picked up overseas) re the republican lead...that depends on who you talk to over here, babe...daisyfae is right the game is afoot over here - obama can seriously get down to business! [i left you an answer at my place, too ;-)]

Princess of the Universe said...

I want to know how the Secret Service tipped too! :)

Anonymous Boxer said...

I want to know what the SS ate.

and drank.

and who they charged it to.

Old Knudsen said...

Maybe you should call him 'The Hedge' like the man from Boner's group UB40.

(that should confuse someone)

Listen lad did you hear the Yanks mention 'operation wind breaker?' think carefully if you did there might be money involved and extensive plastic surgery (you'd be a fool to turn that doon)

Don't give yer answer in the comments use the job finder in the Belfast telegraph.

Manuel said...

daisyfae: seriously I think Hilary had a better chance of beating McCain.......

jessie: ok.......a shrub is a little bush....just like George.....

benders: meh......

medbh: they tipped very well, bout 15%, thing is it was all individual and one of their cards was declined.......ouch....

savannah: I'm holding you to that......

princess: roughly 15%......quite pleasing.......

boxer: fish mainly, Carmenere, stste department.....

old k: hahahahhahahahaha, just like the old days eh.....

Crispy said...

Ah man, you really are funny. I'm still laughing at "Shrubs", brilliant.

sheepworrier said...

So any inside info on the shrub visit then? Not that I would be planning to assault him or anything... definately not...

Gypsy said...

Game, set and match to you Manuel. I love it. Pompous old shrew.

Conan Drumm said...

Is yer wan, HM, coming over to meet him there? Rumour has it she's due over here this year to take tea in the Aras.

carine said...

that lady was clearly a fanny. and i bet she wouldn't have left you a tip if she had stayed x

Green Ink said...

You've got mail.

Miffy said...

Great post, you painted a great picture of that Doris woman which made me laugh.

Blondefabulous said...

This morning CNN said the latest poll taken had Obama in a 5 pt. lead over McCain. We'll see how it goes from there.

So the State-er's were eating out on my hard earned tax dollars, huh?
And here I am walking to market because I can't afford petrol to drive there. Frickin' asses....

B said...

Amazing you managed to reply, in situations like that I just slowly swallow my lips with rage.

belfast plate carrier said...

Hmm, let me see, lovely table of 6+ belting bottles of wine into them with an automatic 10% service charge? Or miserable, hippy , bike riding birthmarked sods who let their children run buck through the restaurant during the day but are in that night with their miserable hippy parents and complain?

Goodnight fucko, I'm not telling anyone to stop having fun. (sorry this was my own experience, but same rules apply). If it's abusive, yes the BPC takes no prisoners (Hi there, charming country family who used the 'N' word two tables away from people of african ancestry!) but otherwise dry yer eyes, sink a bottle of wine and join in.

Manuel said...

crispy: not mine though....."borrowed" from elsewhere.......probably medbh....

sheepo: no.....he'll be here......it'll be messy.....end of story....

gypsy: very much so.....

conan: no.......but mrs windsor is on her way at some point......

carine: I got that "tight" feeling of her for sure.....

green ink: ta ta.....

miffy: I'm here to share the pain....

blondie: yeah but one of the cards was declined......says it all really......

b: oh those days are well and truly over......bite first think later......that's the way...

bpc: the dirty cheeky fuckers.....I'd have thrown the fuckers out....n word? no fucking way......cunts......

Michelle said...

"Shrubs". I like that, why didn't I think of that? Anyone is better than that dolt. Though I liked the pantsuit, I will go Obama. As for Doris...I liked the way you ruffled her feathers!

Margaret said...

I think it was the late, great Molly Ivins who first referred to GWB as the shrub. Accurate on a lot of things, that lovely woman.

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