Hearing things....

Yet another odd night at work. It started with a table of six Americans. Yippee thought I. Having taken an extra day off I needed to get back in the cash quick sharpish and there is nothing better than six lovely Americans to get you back in the folding gear. They didn't arrive all together, in fact they didn't even all know each other. So as they arrived they introduced themselves by name and by job title. The names have been changed to protect the shit out of my ass.

"HI, I'm Bob from Air Force One." I was standing right there when he said it, Air Force One.

"Hi Bob, I'm Melissa from NSA." NSA? The National Security Agency? Well bugger me.

And on it went, Air Force, Military, State Department, and so on. Their conversation was full of Middle East this and "I-Rack" that. I was busting a gut to hear what they were on about. I'm sure it's all to do with Shrubs visit here in the next few weeks. I know these are different times in the North of Ireland but they could have shown a little discretion. I'll probably be on a flight to Saudi Arabia by the time you read this......

The last time he was here I went on the protest with all the other hippies, reds, veggies, and Guardian readers. I was all pumped up and angry. I'm not so interested now though. In fact I could give a fuck. Apathy eh, it's a real killer. Still it was all very exciting for a while. Then other customers showed up, buggers.

not so secret, secret agent

"Ah hello, and how are you tonight?" Asked the nice waiter in his ill fitting shirt that must have shrunk in the wash because there is no way he has put weight on, hell no.

"Yes a table for three actually?" replied the older of the three women.

"Mother! He's not asking you that...." interjected a frustrated younger woman.

"No....eh have you a table reserved ladies?" asked the nice young(ish) waiter wearing the figure hugging shirt.

"Yes, Doris actually, for three" answered the older lady again except it reads much nice than she said it. Her reply was delivered more like a moody teenager who's just been asked a question they perceive to be obvious. It was the equivalent of "Duuuuuh, of course I have."

Fuck that.

Up with this I will not put.

"And what was that name again, Boris?"

"Doris!"

"I'm sorry I have no Morris booked here." I said pulling at my shirt which felt more like a second skin.

"Doris dear, I said Doris." She was quite ruffled now. So I called that evens and showed them to their table.

I didn't get them a drink order straight away as I need a moment, just for me and she needed to stew a bit. But I returned a moment later with a smile painted from ear to ear. Time to try again I thought.

"Where's the wine list? You haven't given me a wine list."

It took every fibre in my body, every last ounce of strength not to pout and point at the wine list and go, "It's right there, duuuuuuuh."

One nasty bottle of Pinot Grigio ordered and brought to the table but before I could even announce it she was off again.

"It's very noisy here."

"Really? Eh? Really?"

"Yes, those kids are making a terrible racket. It's hard to hear myself think let alone speak."

I can fucking hear you loud and clear I thought. Now those kids she was referring to was a table of six twenty somethings out to celebrate a friends birthday. Sure there was a bit of squealing and laughing when they arrived, but by now they were reading their menus and not exactly partying hard in an Andrew Wk stylie.

"Yeah to be honest madam I really don't see any problem with them." I was whispering as I didn't want the table of six to get wind of yer woman's complaining. The only thing worse than tables ganging up together is tables fighting with each other. It can get a bit wild west.

"Are you not going to speak to them?"

"Speak to them? About what?"

"The noise man, the noise!" She said getting rather loud with it. I considered asking her to tone it down a bit but decided that was just likely to inflame the situation.

"No honestly madam they aren't doing anything wrong. If it gets loud again you just let me know and I'll deal with it."

And with that she said, "NO, NO, NO come on girls, we're going."

And off she popped.

Really really strange.

Game, set and match to me.......