Friday, 18 July 2008

Is your child a future waiter?

Government research released this week points to the five indicators that could show if your child will turn into a teenage thug. These being,
  1. Temperament
  2. Maltreatment
  3. Parents with low IQ
  4. Poverty
  5. ADHD
Add in a penchant for smoking dope and you also have the five indicators that your child will become a chef. Fuck it , you know I'm only joking with you guys. I love chefs, I really do. Some of my best friends are chefs.

Honest.

But more importantly how can you spot if your child will turn out to be waiter? Well, listed below are the five indicators your child is on the path to waiterhood.
you want change?

1.Table setting. Most "normal" children have to be forced to set the table for dinner. They scream and shout and huff at this most basic of chores. But if you find that the dinner table has been set, and with flair and class, then watch out junior is a budding waiter. This also manifests itself in odd tea parties were the child doesn't sit at the table but rather circles it pouring imaginary wine for various teddy bears and confused play chums. Quite often they refuse to let their friends leave until they have been tipped. You may need to step in at this point.

2.Sarcasm/Snooty Attitude. Does junior meet every meal with a certain reserved attitude? Do they constantly make remarks about how their friends mother makes better spaghetti hoops? Does your little darling review every meal with pointers as to what you could do better next time? Maybe they talk abut the others at the table, making remarks about how they are dressed or how they eat with their mouth open. That's a waiter for sure. And it's not just at dinner time. They probably listen intently to your little stories but roll their eyes as they walk away muttering about how very dull you are. I don't say these things to be cruel, these are just the hard facts.

3.Money on the brain. Does the child expect tipped after every chore? Do they refuse to get out of bed, let alone make it, for anything less than 20%. That's a waiter and no mistake. And when you do reward them with some money do they grin fuck you? "Oh thank you mummy, you shouldn't have!" But then you over hear them later round the back of the house complaining about how you always "stiff" them on their pocket money. Coins are inconsequential to your little special darling, it's the notes they want and nothing else.

4.Irrational dislike of whoever cooks in your house. Cats and dogs, waiters and chefs. There is of course no real reason for this dislike but they will consider them self to be better than you if you are the one that does the cooking, muttering about "it's not how it was made it was how it was served."

5.OCD. All waiters have OCD. From precise time keeping to ensuring the table is set immaculately with all cutlery running parallel and at the correct angle the list of things that must be EXACT is almost endless. And as soon as you think you have master/indulged all their little foibles they will invent new rules. The slightest thing wrong, like dinner not being ready at the precise time you quoted, will send them into a huff that only money can extract them from.

Once on the path to waiterhood there is very little you can do to stop them. You can only guide them. Try and steer them to the high end work, one slippy mistake and they are in Pizza Hut serving Cheesy Feasts to students. And no one wants that for their kids do they?

32 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

savannah said...

h'mmmmm, you know mr. moose still pours liquids in your glass with one hand behind his back...

Anonymous Boxer said...

Wow - I guess I picked the wrong profession, 'cuz I scored "Wininer" on all of them. Add in some pot smoking and you'd have me as

YOUR NEW HEAD WAITER!!

Woo-hoo. It's nice to know I have options.

Manuel said...

savannah: tremendous.....good work mr moose....I hope you don't have to tip him too...

boxer: any time you wanna change you let me know.....!

Queen Of Clean said...

Shitty shit, and there's me thinking they were Oxbridge bound...ah well, at least I'll be able to show the other waiters their baby pics!

Bless!

Medbh said...

May we add a predeliction for wearing black and whites?
And smoking?

Manuel said...

queenie: no aim high! waiterhood is were it's at!
medbh: hehehe and sleeping all day and blogging all night......

Silverstar said...

I knew I wasn't cut out for the work. I can only claim sarcasm/snooty attitude in my repretoir.

Maxi Cane said...

If you care about none of that and just want to point and nit pick - be a manager!

Blondefabulous said...

Ok my kids hate setting the table and love my cooking......does that mean they will escape the waiting way of life???

I can only hope...

Native Minnow said...

So, is becoming a waiter due to nature, or nurture?

harried_dad said...

By the sounds of it my two are due to be chefs. They like to scream a lot. I am sure this would make them the natural counterfoil to your professional aloofness.

Will have to scare them away from drugs though. Maybe convince them that shrub took them all his life and listen to him speak now...

MJ said...

And yourself?

At what age did you feel the calling?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
T Dog said...

oh my god that was so me a few years ago, and i had a penchant for the smoking too (well i was a waitress) thankfully i've gotten over the anal table setting, giving out about other restaurants and the smoking (sometimes)

sheepworrier said...

You forgot the slightly camp hissy fits. Im pretty sure my nephew will be a waiter, the poor wee bollix.

Btw Manuel, Im heading to Ba Mizu in Victoria Square this weekend - any suggestions what to order? Haven't heard any reports good or bad about it yet.

Manuel said...

silverstar: it's a start

maxi: pfft....

blondie: chefs.......eek

minnow: now there's a debate.....nature though....we are born this way....

dad: best of luck with that then........no chance hehehehe

mj: 16, dad walked inot the house and said,'I've got you a job. You start tomorrow." and that was that........

t dog: the smoking is the best bit.....

sheepo: what cheeky get......I'm throwing a camp hissy fit now......

I know little about Ba Mizu.....but my advice is to get something in til ye before you go.....

AnFearBui said...

As the young one is showing an interest in cooking, should I start therapy or just put her in rehab? Things will start going missing next.

Manuel said...

anfearbui: hahahahahahhaha yes, seek help now!!!

MJ said...

Now that you mention it, I remember a posting you did that mentioned your dad's role.

daisy mae said...

my grandmother owned a small restaurant when i was a wee one, and at about 6 years old she threw an apron on me and had me take dessert orders. she also coached me that if anyone asked what i was going to do with my tip money, it was "for my college savings"....

i was hooked as soon as i started. even miss it now that i'm a stuffy graduate student.

jen said...

I will watch my gaggle of nephews and nieces this weekend to see :-) The youngest is about 7 months old, so it might be too early to tell...

Fred said...

I came upon this site on Wednesday, spent the last three (work) days reading from front to back. Great stuff. Keep it up.

B said...

So I can never be a waiter?

Manuel said...

mj: oh yes, it's all his fault......and him a chef too!

daisy mae: "for my college savings".... granny was a genius!

jen: or too late......!

fred: welcome fred! cheers for the kind remarks.......that'll be 20% please......hehehehehe

b: oh no, you're a perfect candidate....

Medbh said...

Hey where's Friday's post?
Hmm?

Manuel said...

medbh: shattered.......so tired......

samcrea said...

The way you tend to your commenters is very waiter-like I must say, everybody is answered quickly, prescisely and individually..
Pity about the tips..

Manuel said...

samcrea: I know.......I'm gonna have start jiggling a pint glass under their noses.....

Medbh said...

You post so regularly that I'm sure to notice when you don't, Manuel.
You're such a disciplined blogger!

Manuel said...

medbh: I go for the quantity over quality method....

bethanythemartian said...

Ugh you had to remind me of my brief time waiting at Pizza Hut... Thank god I shunted sideways into delivery instead.

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