Is your child a future waiter?

Government research released this week points to the five indicators that could show if your child will turn into a teenage thug. These being,

1. Temperament
2. Maltreatment
3. Parents with low IQ
4. Poverty
5. ADHD

Add in a penchant for smoking dope and you also have the five indicators that your child will become a chef. Fuck it , you know I'm only joking with you guys. I love chefs, I really do. Some of my best friends are chefs.

Honest.

But more importantly how can you spot if your child will turn out to be waiter? Well, listed below are the five indicators your child is on the path to waiterhood.

you want change?

1.Table setting. Most "normal" children have to be forced to set the table for dinner. They scream and shout and huff at this most basic of chores. But if you find that the dinner table has been set, and with flair and class, then watch out junior is a budding waiter. This also manifests itself in odd tea parties were the child doesn't sit at the table but rather circles it pouring imaginary wine for various teddy bears and confused play chums. Quite often they refuse to let their friends leave until they have been tipped. You may need to step in at this point.

2.Sarcasm/Snooty Attitude. Does junior meet every meal with a certain reserved attitude? Do they constantly make remarks about how their friends mother makes better spaghetti hoops? Does your little darling review every meal with pointers as to what you could do better next time? Maybe they talk abut the others at the table, making remarks about how they are dressed or how they eat with their mouth open. That's a waiter for sure. And it's not just at dinner time. They probably listen intently to your little stories but roll their eyes as they walk away muttering about how very dull you are. I don't say these things to be cruel, these are just the hard facts.

3.Money on the brain. Does the child expect tipped after every chore? Do they refuse to get out of bed, let alone make it, for anything less than 20%. That's a waiter and no mistake. And when you do reward them with some money do they grin fuck you? "Oh thank you mummy, you shouldn't have!" But then you over hear them later round the back of the house complaining about how you always "stiff" them on their pocket money. Coins are inconsequential to your little special darling, it's the notes they want and nothing else.

4.Irrational dislike of whoever cooks in your house. Cats and dogs, waiters and chefs. There is of course no real reason for this dislike but they will consider them self to be better than you if you are the one that does the cooking, muttering about "it's not how it was made it was how it was served."

5.OCD. All waiters have OCD. From precise time keeping to ensuring the table is set immaculately with all cutlery running parallel and at the correct angle the list of things that must be EXACT is almost endless. And as soon as you think you have master/indulged all their little foibles they will invent new rules. The slightest thing wrong, like dinner not being ready at the precise time you quoted, will send them into a huff that only money can extract them from.

Once on the path to waiterhood there is very little you can do to stop them. You can only guide them. Try and steer them to the high end work, one slippy mistake and they are in Pizza Hut serving Cheesy Feasts to students. And no one wants that for their kids do they?