Thursday, 17 July 2008

I do the jokes, you do the tipping.......

Three Croats and an African American Dwarf walk into a restaurant. Not a joke really happened, lovely people.

It was a funny night like that.

Wasn't all funny though.....
of fury......

"So now then young man you'd like us to pay the bill then I suppose." I fucking detest being called "young man" by people who are no more than 5 years older than me. I swear I thought he was going to ruffle my hair.

The ass.

"Indeed sir that would be the plan." I was weary with this guy. He had been metaphorically ruffling my hair all night. The jokes and puns were endless, the constant chatter about nothing and the questions, so many questions. In fact he stole my whole act.

"Well here's my card..." and he handed me his card and then pulled it back before I could get it. "...unless you want to give it to us for free, seeing as we are palls and all. Eh?"

Oh sweet mother of Gordon Ramsay was there no off switch for this guy? Does he fill every hour of every day with one liners and "witty" retorts. I wanted to snap the fucking card from his fucking hand but thankfully his wife did it for me.

"There you are, sorry about him..." she sounded genuine. I felt sorry for her. I bet she has to resist the urge to smother him with a pillow late at night. I bet their sex is filled with the same jokes. I'm sure he has to stop mid thrust just to let out a "fantastic" joke.

As I sped away with the credit card I could hear him defending himself, 'I was only joking with the lad, he knows that."

The lad?

The lad?

Oh I'm the lad?

I'll give you some lad. What does that even mean?

I returned to the table to process his card and managed to engage the other guests, who obviously had been unable to get a word in what with Jeffery Jokes at the table, in some light banter. This was mainly to prevent out host cracking yet another. It was only really a delaying tactic, I knew that.

"So thanks folks, I hope you enjoyed everything tonight."

They all spoke at once with lots of "thanks you's" and that sort of thing. I turned to leave...

"Now young lad..." he was heading the wrong way down fork stabber alley if he persisted with this "lad" malarky. "...you've forgotten something haven't you?"

Shit, did I still have his credit card. I've done that before. Nope, he had it in his hand.

"I don't think so sir." I was confused. I looked at the table, I looked at my hands. I couldn't think what he was on about. I realised he was off again on one of his tall tales/jokes. I mean you should have heard the story about the chicken and his car and being lost in Fermanagh. Actually that was the whole story

"Eh, what have you forgotten eh eh come on now?"

"I cant think at all sir, maybe I was supposed to get you a taxi?" Please let that be it.

"No sure I've the car, I told you that." Yes, in detail I thought.

"Jeffery, stop messing him about he's work to do." I loved his wife, patience of Job.

"Your tip!" He exclaimed.

"Ah right thank you sir."

"Which hand?" He held out his two hand, clenched in fists.

"Excuse me?"

"Which hand, one has a good tip the other an okay tip, so which hand?"

Which hand? Which fucking hand? Was this guy for real? I haven't played that since I was eight and my granny was giving me sweets. Nope, no fucking way. Not a fucking chance. Uh huh, no, no, no, no. This isn't Deal or No fucking Deal and he hasn't got a million in one of his tightly clenched paws. I'm not fucking playing. It was roughly about this time that I could feel the vein in my next popping out. Stabbing time was upon us.

"Ah no sir, you just leave whatever you feel is fair." I turned to walk away. Maybe I should roll over and let him tickle my tummy too.

"Ah now come on which hand....?"

"JEFFERY! Now stop it." Said his wife in a very firm manner. She was as mortified as I was.

"Here waiter.." I turned back round to see Mrs Jeffery trying to wrestle the money from Jeffery Jokes' hand. He wasn't gonna give it up without a fight. This was humiliating. Mainly for him but me too.

She eventually bettered him and I got my tip, which was generous but not worth the grief. I made my exit as quick as I could. But alas for Mrs Jeffery, no such exit for her, unless of course she considers the other uses for heavy pillows.

Which hand? Which fist, more like, do you want upside your head?

44 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

What a fucking douchebag.

Women really shouldn't fuck guys like that let alone marry them.
Then they'd have to behave with some manners.

Manuel said...

medbh: he must have some redeeming feature because she was so lovely I just couldn't understand what she was doing with him......

Silverstar said...

I agree with medbh, we shouldn't fuck them, lest we procreate more of the assholes. The only redeeming quality I can see that would make me stay with him is lots of money. Maybe.

Manuel said...

silverstar: no, not this guy, not for all the money in the world.....

samcrea said...

I think these guys actually thing they are being original, like we havent seen this "hilarious" carry on before..

Me and an old work college had a system of smiling and waving these types off, with

"hope you die!!"

With big smiles of course, and just low enough so they dont understand, and smile back!

Manuel said...

sam: yeah I'm the master of the fake laugh....couldn't get through a night without it.....

savannah said...

there really is no way to shut people like that down, is there, sugar? one trick ponies... xoxox

Manuel said...

savannah: apart from hitting them hard with a chair in a western stylie, no......

Maxi Cane said...

Which hand is it in?

Haven't heard that since I was in the queue for the confessional box!

Manuel said...

maxi: bwahahahaha dirty bugger.......you, not the priest.....okay the priest too....in other news my friend has a new blog, broken waiter, good lad......felt bad for shouting but one must protect what one has built up......

Maxi Cane said...

Indeed.

Manuel said...

maxi: correct

MJ said...

I accidentally misread "She eventually bettered him" as "She eventually BATTERED him".

AnFearBui said...

"Now sir, how will the little kids over christmas feel if you've wasted all your best stuff on me in july....look on the bright side, you do have 5 months left to fit into the suit."

sheepworrier said...

"I'll give you some lad" - I'm surprised MJ hasn't jumped on this. Literally.

What a patronizing wee twat. You should've offered him the 'which testicle do you want to keep' scenario.

Conan Drumm said...

What a fool. He must hate himself in the small hours of the morning.

Manuel said...

mj: I'm sure she did/will....

anfearbui: yeah......."santa found dead.......merry christmas arrested...."

sheepo: he was patronizing......do you ay PATronizing or PAYTronizing........it matters to me....

conan: yes I picture him lying there....alone.....separate bed........crying........oh what sweet joy.......

Anonymous said...

standing in line at the local market, the couple in front of me looks away from their basket full of microwaveable treats long enough to make eye contact.

"oh look, honey," she beams, "it's the waiter!" her polished finger close enough to bite.

i never had to eat this shit when i worked on eyre square, but back then i was a yankee expatriot commis chef serving day old eggs to busloads of hapless tourists.

the road to glory, i call it.

so i dropped my bottle of Jameson's and requisite shite beer on the endless consumer belt that represents my life, nevermind that it's nine o'clock in the morning, and smiled.

"out here," says i, "they call me nathan."

sheepworrier said...

PATronizing. Why?

Manuel said...

anonymous: as tremendous as it is weird........bravo and huzzah for nathan..........

sheepo: just wondered........I knew you were a PAT sort of guy.........I cant stand people who say PAYT unless they are actually American......

jen said...

Un-freaking-believable!

He's clearly a comedy genius in his own mind but a major embarrasment to everyone else. And there's a real nasty edge to it too.

I bet he's related to my old mate Genghis from that restaurant in Kinsale. Maybe they manufacture these gits somewhere?

Manuel said...

jen: he was relentless....never stopped for air.......urgggh

Mudflapgypsy said...

Are you sure it was his wife and not his careworker?

Manuel said...

muddy: bwahahahaha the thought did cross my mind.....

Flippin' Yank said...

What an asshat!

Manuel said...

flippin' yank: Welcome! yes, yes he was.......a total douche......as you americans like to say!

T Dog said...

oh my god what a dope!! would you not just love to say to him "eh how bout your pick one of my fists, the right will land you on your back and the left will render you infertile"

Manuel said...

t dog: Welcome Mr Dog. oh the thoughts of his off spring are frightening......

Manuel said...

t dog: eh miss t dog then.....not mr......crikey

T Dog said...

sniff sniff

Caro said...

Just be glad he didn't try make it appear from behind your ear.

Manuel said...

t dog; hehehehe

caro: bwahahahahaha........I'd say if I had stood there for long enough he would have......

Ali said...

Wow. Just, wow. Dude needs to get beat, is all I can say.

Manuel said...

ali: yes, yes he does, over and over and over again.....

Anonymous Boxer said...

Seriously, the guy sounds mentally unstable - I'm sure 5 minutes in a therpist's office would uncover mutliple things wrong with him.

but I think medbh said it best,

Fucking Douchebag.

And the nerve of him trying to steal your act!

Manuel said...

boxer: I KNOW! My whole routine, down to the cheesy one liners!

Crispy said...

Ah man, laugh out fucking loud...what a twat!!!

Manuel said...

crispy: be me.......!

K8 the Gr8 said...

I dated a bloke like that once. He thought he was fucking hilarious all the fucking time. When he got more relaxed around me and stopped trying so hard, he turned out to be a complete raving psycho lunatic. I kept him around for a month or two to practice my punches on, then I reported him to the police.

I think he's in a mental home somewhere now.

Manuel said...

k8 the gr8: oh you did the right thing.....he sounds like a whole bag load of fun......

Bruno said...

Karma says that this guy will one day find a waiter on his last day at work and then... and then...

Manuel said...

bruno: welcome bruno. oh what a lovely thought.......!

raptureponies said...

Jeepers, what a sap, that's very annoying.

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